The reclaiming of one’s life can be as simple as making a list of attainable goals and doing one’s best to follow them, or as complex as choosing not to take beta blockers that while dulling out neuropathic pain also steal away one’s ability to see and think clearly. I’m doing both this year, but I’m allowing a bit of room (okay, a lot of room) for chaos.
My list includes items that carried over from 2014, and I’ve promised myself not to get too upset if something finds its way into my post-2015 to-do list. Placing tasks in unyielding spaces offers a sure path towards self-strangulation. I rather enjoy breathing.
Now that my gut and eyeballs are behaving less ridiculously erratic, I will speak to my doctor about stopping the beta blockers I’ve been taking. When my stomach and eyes were being royal bastards, I didn’t have the strength or desire to deal with neuropathic, muscular and skeletal pain at the same time I cursed ocular and gastroenterological pain. Yes, it was just too much freaking pain to keep in the back of my mind while I wrote, slept, meditated, exercised, ate… or did any of the things I need to do in order to manage my chronic pain in a holistic manner.
I will ask for the discontinuation of the meds, but will keep in mind that if the amalgamation of pains returns I might need the pills again. And if I do need them one more time, it won’t mean that I failed at controlling the pain on my own. It only means that I must work on finding alternatives that offer better results. Most of us who live with chronic illnesses—especially of the painful variety—must learn to love ourselves extra much and give our stressed minds and bodies many second, third and fifth chances. The alternative is neither healthy nor easy to live with.
The following is a list of goals I want to accomplish this year:
- explore Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for managing chronic pain through writing and other arts
- turn “Belle du Freak” into a web serial that explores love, stigma and alienation
- finish the Paying It Forward pledge I made in 2014 (no, my Luvs, I didn’t forget)
- create a modified Daily Thirteen workout list that’s not murder on my sexy bones
- travel down blogging memory lane and repost pertinent content with commentary
* there are external publishing goals, too, but I’m keeping that list to myself… for now
I understand that I might not get to some of the things in the timeframe I have in mind. Or who knows, I could get extra lucky and end up doing more than I planned… That’s what makes living such a wondrous thing: the future will always hold possibilities… we just need to be patient… and work hard at making at least a few of them possible for us.
“fairies are born of believe, and die through neglect…”
painting and quote, by SunshineShelle