Allowing a Bit of Room for Chaos

The reclaiming of one’s life can be as simple as making a list of attainable goals and doing one’s best to follow them, or as complex as choosing not to take beta blockers that while dulling out neuropathic pain also steal away one’s ability to see and think clearly. I’m doing both this year, but I’m allowing a bit of room (okay, a lot of room) for chaos.

My list includes items that carried over from 2014, and I’ve promised myself not to get too upset if something finds its way into my post-2015 to-do list. Placing tasks in unyielding spaces offers a sure path towards self-strangulation. I rather enjoy breathing.

Now that my gut and eyeballs are behaving less ridiculously erratic, I will speak to my doctor about stopping the beta blockers I’ve been taking. When my stomach and eyes were being royal bastards, I didn’t have the strength or desire to deal with neuropathic, muscular and skeletal pain at the same time I cursed ocular and gastroenterological pain. Yes, it was just too much freaking pain to keep in the back of my mind while I wrote, slept, meditated, exercised, ate… or did any of the things I need to do in order to manage my chronic pain in a holistic manner.   

I will ask for the discontinuation of the meds, but will keep in mind that if the amalgamation of pains returns I might need the pills again. And if I do need them one more time, it won’t mean that I failed at controlling the pain on my own. It only means that I must work on finding alternatives that offer better results. Most of us who live with chronic illnesses—especially of the painful variety—must learn to love ourselves extra much and give our stressed minds and bodies many second, third and fifth chances. The alternative is neither healthy nor easy to live with.

The following is a list of goals I want to accomplish this year:
     - explore Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for managing chronic pain through writing and other arts
     - turn “Belle du Freak” into a web serial that explores love, stigma and alienation  
     - finish the Paying It Forward pledge I made in 2014 (no, my Luvs, I didn’t forget)
     - create a modified Daily Thirteen workout list that’s not murder on my sexy bones
     - travel down blogging memory lane and repost pertinent content with commentary
     * there are external publishing goals, too, but I’m keeping that list to myself… for now

I understand that I might not get to some of the things in the timeframe I have in mind. Or who knows, I could get extra lucky and end up doing more than I planned… That’s what makes living such a wondrous thing: the future will always hold possibilities… we just need to be patient… and work hard at making at least a few of them possible for us.

“fairies are born of believe, and die through neglect…”
painting and quote, by SunshineShelle

43 comments:

  1. After a very frustrating day of annoying little challenges that are making me feel like I'm getting nowhere, I switched on my computer and I saw your post pop up in my Facebook feed... EXACTLY what I needed to read right now. ❤

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    1. Yay! for both of us. It's beyond nice to know that one is keeping on along someone one likes.

      You know, I was reading a few essays where Terry Pratchett discuss his dealings with Alzheimer's Disease. He was saying how pissed off he was about hearing doctors say, "But they are just little changes. You'll get used to it". I guess they don't understand how crippling those "little changes" can become if we don't learn to accept them from a psychological angle.

      Together, we'll remind ourselves that every little change is a huge battle we've won against the continues war to keep our bodies going and our spirits happy. ♥

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  2. Sounds wonderful! You are truly inspiring!

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  3. Well, I'm happy to know belly and eyeballs are doing better, but I guess that means the other issues must stand out in stark relief. I don't have to do pain medication, but from friends who have, it does look like a juggling act to find what works where and for how long. Medicine is an art, not a science, which must give you an edge.

    Bless you for your open and optimistic dance as you face 2015. Whatever the coming year holds, I know you'll face it head-on, bright and singing.

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    1. Taking pain meds is a juggling act, indeed. One has to be so very careful, for with your pain one might lose perspective and a bit of Self, too.

      Dancing on!

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  4. When I suddenly remember something from a past "to do" list I calls it inspiration :D XXX

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    1. You've just inspired me to cackle. *hehehe!*

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  5. Wishing you yo get hold of that pain at last, through some pleasant methods and ways!
    Happy New Year Magaly, all the best wishes to Piano man and The Little Princess, and whole your family!

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    1. Oh my goodness, I must of called you with my thoughts. I was thinking of you, last night. Wondering where you were... then I remember that motherhood can be quite a busy business.

      New Year blessings to you, your hubby and your little prince!

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  6. Your strong WILL is strong medicine! Dance On my wickedly intriguing friend! xoDebi

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    1. Wicked and intriguing, I like it!

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    2. How rude of me! Sunshine Shelle, I find your Art full of words , bursting to come into this world!
      Your style is unique and inspires emotional response! An author's dream Artist indeed!

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  7. Some relief to read that you are feeling a bit better. The word 'patience' lept out at me from your blog post. Maybe because I know how hopeless it seems when your whole body is creaming in pain and waiting is all you can do. Big difference between waiting and having patience though. Thinking of you.

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    1. I think patience has to be learned, and the learning process is quite deviling. When my kidney problems started, I was about fifteen. My goodness, Francie, I remember pulling my hair and wanting to hit my face (no metaphor), it just hurt so much. I've learn to breathe, to lie on the floor and search for a mildly comfortable position while I listen to an audiobook. The learning to be patient--the pain will eventually go away--process was not easy or short, but it offers a place to go. Thank you for the thoughts, right back at you!

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  8. It's good to have a plan, but it's even better to be flexible! I'm hoping you find the right combo to get you to your personal best space soon. :)

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    1. Me too. This fumbling of words while we speak is only funny the first 28 times. ;-D

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  9. THere are times in life to stand straight and tall like an oak tree. And then there are times to be more like a willow. Bending and taking the moments as they come is an admirable thing. Knowing what you can and can't do is true insight. You are an amazing woman with so much to teach us all. xoxo Oma Linda

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    1. I've learned because I'm surrounded by so many great souls who shared their knowledge and wisdom without withholding a thing. Thank you, my Oma Linda. ♥

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  10. It is no news that the only real failure is in not trying. You have more will and perseverance than any other three people I know, put together. Combine that with your witty sense of the macabre and your talent for expressing that wit, and, honey - you got this year by the . . . ..

    And, Shelle's painting is crazy awesome.

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    1. Hahaha! You said balls. Well, you thought it, I just translated. ;-D

      I love Shelle's painting, and the words are amazing, too. I love the things my dear friend can say in her shapes, colors...

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  11. Chaos is the life blood of change and something we all need, in reasonable doses. No change is possible without it, that's for sure.

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    1. "Chaos is the life blood of chance." I had to repeat that because it's freaking awesome!

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  12. Everything will come in its own time. Chaos is the birthplace of creativity, as long as you accept that. You are one of the strongest people I know! Carry on!

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    1. "Chaos is the birthplace of creativity." I'm loving this! A lot. ♥

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  13. I hate that life has thrown some awful things your way, but you cope with your pain better than anyone I know. I do hope you don't have to take the pills again, but they're there to help so don't be afraid to use them if you need to.

    You're in my thoughts and I wish you well for 2015, things can only get better. ♥

    Shelle's painting is perfect for this post.

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    1. I'm hoping for the same, but feel happy knowing that there is relief (with compromise) to be had if I need it.

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  14. As a fellow traveler on the chronic illness trail, I'm wishing you the best and urging to kind to yourself beyond measure.

    Obviously I don't know your med details, but have you looked into neurontin (anti-seizure med) for the neuropathic pain? I've known some people that have had luck with it.

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    1. It's what I'm on now. It works well at dulling out the pain and letting me function when things are really bad, but it makes me a bit of a zombie, too. I'm hopping that now that the tummy is better, I will go back to dealing with the other pains on my own. *fingers crossed, right?*

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  15. I so hope that Life & Living cooperate with you, to work toward your goals!

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  16. glad you are better if not best. 'patience' leapt out at me too.

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    1. We must take what we can get, right? ;-)

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  17. Please DO NOT Take neurontin!!! I have a lot of experience with this drug, it is dangerous. Yes it combats pain but it also puts you in a foggy state. I took it for several months, found myself 56 miles from home when I finally came back to a coherent state of mind. DO NOT remember driving to where I was. I was frighten, no, terrified when I realized what happened. Drove back home and called my doctor. Also had a dear friend in California who was taking it for chronic pain also and she had large gaps in her memory, slept constantly and would find herself in places she didn't think so was going.

    Back to your post...Chaos, I know it well. My mind many days is a controlled chaos which I'm sure does not help my sleeping problem :). But I do get many ideas from it.

    I try to compartmentalize my pain. I lock it away in different rooms of my head behind locked doors, try to diminish it holds by comparing it to worse pain I've had. Of course sometimes the pain is very good at picking locks and ganging up on me making life unbearable until I succumb and take another pain pill.

    "I understand that I might not get to some of the things in the timeframe I have in mind. Or who knows, I could get extra lucky and end up doing more than I planned… That’s what makes living such a wondrous thing: the future will always hold possibilities… we just need to be patient… and work hard at making at least a few of them possible for us." I love this. The future will always hold possibilities. I keep telling myself this when thinking in terms of art, but then in the back of my mind I hear wings flapping with the knowledge that my time is short and I need not tarry.

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    1. My goodness Gail, this must have been terrifying. Sadly, the monster you speak of is what I'm speaking to my doctor about stopping. I haven't driven in a very long time; I stopped after I started getting random muscle spams and falling. The medication makes me into a bit of a zombie, but I needed it then. Like you, I've always compartmentalized my pains (well, I've learned). But when the GI pain and the ocular pain came up so suddenly, I needed a hand to keep from drowning. I took the pills long enough to get the new pains under some sort of control. I'm enough "in control" now that I can start my visualization and workouts. So I want some of my time and my clear thinking back.

      May "tarry" never push us to thinking we have to rush all the time. May we live and enjoy the good times... always. ♥

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  18. Oh Magaly, I really hope you get some proper help and relief in the time to come, and I hope some of both of our goals come true in the new year.

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  19. Magaly, I just read what you and Gail wrote! Shit, I wish I could do something for you and Gail! I remember, when I was in the hospital, they gave me this pill, in which I only took half of it, and it was amazing! If I took the entire thing, I would have been out of it! LOL! Darn it, I don't remember the name! You know what Magaly, non of my business, but, why not try some weed? Would it help? I mean just a puff at night? I might be talking out of terms, but I know even my older brother, who has very bad arthritis, it helps him. He is not walking around stoned! And, I know several other people that it helps too. Just thinking out loud ;o) Love you!!!

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    1. You are not speaking out of terms at all. One of my doctors recommended it a very long time ago, I never tried it. I was able to deal with the pain in other ways. My neurologist just changed my meds and the new one is milder. It still makes me feel a bit funny, but he said that should change soon. We'll see. Right now I'm just happy because the nerve pain is dulled and I can think, too!

      Love you right back! ♥

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  20. So true about patience!!!!

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    1. P.S. I was just thinking that this is what love about blogging. Hearing from you, Gail and many others always reminds me that I'm not alone: there are a bunch of us out there baring our teeth in the face of pain and living... when we can. ;-)

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