It Hurst Not to Remember…

My doctor touched one of my bones with something sharp. I wasn’t numb. The pain was acute, disturbing and it linger for a while. It went away right before I started to cry.

The taste of tears pooled on the back of my throat, over my closed eyes and then spilled down the sides of my face, until I felt the crying getting cold inside my ears.

I didn’t cry because of the pain in my bones. I wept because when the throbbing made me want to shake, I tried summoning memories of days when my body didn’t hurt. Nothing came to mind. I tried again. Nothing. That was when the tears began to flow. I was angry and sad and tired and wanting to scream, “Don’t be ridiculous! You know you haven’t always been in pain.”

And that’s the thing, my Wicked Luvs. My brain knows that I’ve only lived with chronic pain for about a decade, but regardless of how hard I try I can’t form a memory that tells me what it’s like not to be in pain. It hurts not to remember…

I’m not angry or sad or crying anymore. I got home to find a copy of The Graveyard Book Graphic Novel, Volume 2, next to my pillow. My Piano Man and I already knew that today’s procedure was going to be painful, physically and psychologically—I’ve gone through it before. So he thought I would need a little Neil Gaiman pick me up. Yep, my lover is a genius.

My sore bones and I need sleep… after I stroll through one of my favorite graveyards. ;-)

I was feeling too lazy to take my own picture,
so I went ahead and borrowed this one

43 comments:

  1. How wonderful to live with someone who gets it! Pain is invisible. When I talk about mine, I look into faces of unbelievers. I hold you in the Light, praying that a morning or moment will come soon that helps you remember painlessness.

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    1. I always read comments like yours to my Piano Man. I like reminding him of how special he is, and how lucky I am to have him. I have many friends who have to through everything alone... even when they share their lives with another. That is a terrible thing; to hurt and to despair and for people to look at you like you are making it up. What a horrible thing...

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  2. This. This makes me endlessly sad. Because I know this. Because people still raise their eyebrows when I say "No. No, I don't know what happiness feels like. I don't remember."

    It's "funny" how alike our lives are right now. I also have (minor) surgery in less than two weeks. Also something I have had before. But also something I hate.

    I wish us both strength, speedy recovery and good pain pills.

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  3. I hate to learn that you're in so much pain. Your man is wonderful to be giving you such a delicious read. He gets you. He gets what you're going through. That in itself, is what true love is all about. ♥

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    1. The extreme pain doesn't last forever (thank goodness!). And I can deal with the rest... because I have so much to smile for, don't I? ;-)

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  4. Oh Magaly I wish there was something I could do or say that would stop this pain. Thinking of you tonight.

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  5. I'm sad for your pain, lovely. But I'm glad you've got your Piano Man and Neil Gaiman there to help you through it! You are in my thoughts! Feel better! ♥ xo

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    1. He makes everything better. Everything. ♥

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  6. I am glad that you have someone there who understands and loves you. I wish that it was as easy as snapping my fingers to take the pain away. Sending out the best of wishes and good energy to you Magaly. I hope that tomorrow brings a better day.

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    1. I am, too. The alternative is not something I care to imagine...

      Your hopes came true. ;-)

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  7. Climb a tree with AlmaMia, babe, you are a wild one again, up in that mango tree, no chronic pain up there. Ahh, what a gift, your man is sweeter than honey, crap I was about to write something slightly tasteful about honey, sipping nectar and your man, but realised it could be a mis-interperted in a double entendre, down & dirty sorta way... so, mmm, how about just, sending love hugs & pleasurable thoughts (NO MAGALY, NOT THAT PLEASURABLE) ;) Take care sweet girl xox

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    1. How did you know that I spent yesterday climbing fruit trees, running in the rain, and letting my mind making it all better? And yes, there were kinky thoughts, too. ;-D

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  8. Once i read somewhere something among the lines " Most people think happiness is love, but it really is the release from the grip of pain". I believe that! You are one strong lady Magaly.
    Lots and lots of love!

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    1. It is indeed. And life without pain and with love has to be mind-blowing paradise! I wonder if anyone can handle it...

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  9. I'm saddened you have pain, but jealous you got a new book! , especially you were gifted by The Piano Man! Be well soon! wicked beauty! xo

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    1. You have the power of giggles, my friend. ♥

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  10. Each time a skin cancer pops up that requires MOHS Surgery, my sweet genius surgeon hears me say 'I'm not crying, my eyes are just tearing' .. Cry all you want, whenever you feel like it, dear one!

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    1. We cry, cry, cry... let it all out... and then we smile. We must make room for the smiling and the dancing. *gentle hugs*

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  11. Why was your doctor touching bone!? They're not allowed to do surgery!

    All I can do to help is to recommend celticherbs.com. She's helped me immensely with my chronic pain and other ailments.

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    1. I'm living with multiple illnesses. I have a team of doctors. The one working on me two days ago is not part of the pain management team, and what he was doing couldn't be done in any other way. The difficult thing about living with multiple illnesses is that one, for instance, make it impossible for doctors to give you pain killers you need for the other, or therapies that might exasperate the next... what might relieve the lungs hurts the heart and what helps the hearts endangers the digestive system and the medicine that would control what ails the digestive system might make the neuropathic pain worse... So you see, my doctors--and I have an amazing team--are left with few choices.

      My chronic pain is stable. I know how to deal with it... the acute problems are the real issue.

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  12. My heart hurts for you, Sweet Magaly. I am so sorry that your pain free memories have been sealed into an envelope and mailed away. Know that I send you love, wishing that I could fold you into my arms and rock your pain into submission. <3

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    1. *sending soothing hugs to your heart and telling it that it will be all right* Don't be sorry, dear Sharon. I always believe things happen for a reason (who cares if it's a cliché?). The pain we endure teaches us new things and make us stronger.... and inspire those who love us to get us ice cream. ;-D

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  13. I can't remember what it feels like not be in pain also. Hard to explain to people. Cry all you want, sometimes we try to keep things bottled up, being brave. You have a jewel in Piano Man! I too have the 2 volumes of the Graveyard book, adore them!

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    1. It has to be one of the most difficult things to explain. I've never been able to do it myself. I tell people that I know what it is to be without pain, even understand it, but my body can't remember what it felt like. And of course, most of those who haven't been there give me a strange look... But I celebrate the empathetic exceptions. They are the best.

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  14. Arrrgh. Sometimes, truly, love is all there is to compensate us for what we must endure. Thankful you have that.

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    1. Indeed! For without it, life would suck greatly for me at the moment, lol!

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  15. Of all the things we have in common, and I believe there are many, I hate that we share chronic pain. But hating it doesn't mean that I have power to alleviate it for either of us. I feel a yellow candle burn coming on for you. Pain, pain go away, don't come looking for me today.
    Your Piano Man is a hero......
    xoxo Oma Linda

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    1. Well, let's celebrate the fact that at least we can look at each other in the eye, and say, "I know, dear one. And I'm hugging you." We both know how far that goes.

      And my Piano Man is a hero indeed! And very hot. ;-D

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  16. Replies
    1. *giggles because she is ticklish*

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  17. Let AlmaMia, let your other lovely Wildlings remember happiness for you. They will share. *hugs*

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    1. They have been raising hell and making me write about fun and mayhem. It's lovely! ;-D

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  18. I know that feeling, the hurting of not remembering what it was like before illness or pain. It's a shitty one. Thank goodness for Bod and Silas and all the residents of the Graveyard. And of course, for love and the wonderful men who love us. They make these trials we traverse a little less terrible. <3

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    1. We are lucky, aren't we? It might sound silly to other people, but we know what it means... ♥

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  19. It's fortunate you have someone by your side who understands. And of course, don't forget that you have a river of friends out here wishing you well, and sending hope and healing. You're an inspiration to many, Lady Magaly, and we're all wishing you better days ahead.

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    1. Dancing and letting those thoughts make my feet happy, happy, happy. ;-D

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  20. maybe pain would be harder to bear if it were visible but probably not. I have a fairly high tolerance to pain but I am so thankful that I dont have to have that though tested on a daily basis. I hope all these doctor visits are going to actually bear some fruit.

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    1. Goodness, I think you're right. I had never thought of it, not really. But if some of my pain--especially the acute flares--showed physical manifestation, their appearance might drive me mad. Is it terrible that this just put a story in my mind?

      I'm hoping the same out of the doctor visits. It's already showing some results... I just wish they were faster. *sigh*

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  21. I am so sorry my friend! I wish I could do something for you! I am so happy you have your Piano Man! Sending you a big hug and much love! xoxoxxo

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    1. Those big hugs do a whole lot, my dear Stacy! ♥

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