No One Alive Can Control a Murder of Crows

One of the saddest things a person can tell herself is “I can’t do this anymore.”

After some years, many people will utter a version of at least one of the following: I can’t go to work after a long night of partying anymore; I can’t have sex until walking straight becomes a faraway fantasy anymore; I can’t do twenty pull ups anymore; I can’t act like I’m twenty-one and bulletproof anymore… I just can’t freaking be who I used to be anymore.

Most of the items listed above (perhaps not the sexy bit) make complete sense when coming out of the mouth of someone who has lived a certain respectable number of decades.

But when you are a thirty-something-year-old hotness, who has always walked around in a fairly healthy body, saying things like: I can’t pick up a gallon of milk anymore; I can’t drive my car anymore; I can’t sit at the table anymore; I can’t write longhand for more than a few minutes anymore; I can’t miss sleep without consequences anymore… Pretty much, saying “I can’t anymore” can really break a soul in half.

Years ago, not being able to do the things I always enjoyed doing (I swear this is not an ad for an antidepressant *cough, cough, cough*)… Anyway, not being able to do the things I loved doing used to be really hard on me. After I hurt my hip, I was angry because “I could no longer wear a bikini;” and after I hurt my shoulder, I was livid because “I could no longer do pull ups.” A few years after that, chronic pain knocked on my door, and I raged and cursed because I could no longer do a shitload of other things.

Then I lived a few more years, learned a few more things… And I laughed at my younger self. Don’t get me wrong, I still hold her in my arms and let her cry when she feels cheated by Fate, but I mostly laugh at how silly that Magaly used to be. 

Less than a month ago, I received a partial diagnosis that seems to explain most of the acute health issues I have been battling against these last few months. I say partial because although I might be dancing with Ulcerative Colitis for the rest of my days, my doctor also believes that Crohn’s Disease has moved in, to turn our relationship into an irritable threesome.

I saw my cognitive-behavioral pain management psychologist (say that 13 times fast) a few days after I learned about the diagnosis. And I think the doctor might have been a tad worried because I walked into her office with a galaxy-size smile on my face. Maybe she thought I was in shock. I mean, it would only make sense that someone who is already living with two chronic illnesses would get really pissed off when told that now she has to share her life with an autoimmune disease, too. Right? Well, I’m not thrilled about having sores in my gut. But I’m deliriously happy that it’s not me, chronic pain and cancer doing this dance. That deserves a mildly psychotic grin, don’t you think?

But why are you telling us all this, deliciously Witchy Writer Woman? Oh yes, my Wicked Luvs, I can totally cyber-read your minds. I’m sharing this because I want—I need—you to know why Blooming Howls will be put on hold for two weeks: I’ve had too many medical appointments and more are scheduled on the horizon; in order to publish on the 31st, I would have to sleep very little and stress out a whole lot; and I don’t want to publish a book while I’m too ill to enjoy the process.

You see, my Wicked Luvs, in the last thirteen years, I’ve learned that “I can’t do this or that” is often a stinky load of lies. I can definitely wear a bikini as long as I don’t mind flashing my butt-scars. And who the hell says I had to handle a whole gallon of milk? I can buy half gallons. My Piano Man can separate a gallon of milk into smaller portions. And why would I pick up a gallon of something I don’t even drink?

I can do almost anything I was able to do when I was twenty-one and not in pain… I just have to use my ginormous, creative, beautiful brain to come up with realistic ways in which to do these things without half-killing my sexy and often throbbing thirty-something-year-old body.  

The title of this post is a quote mouthed by a character in the first story of Blooming Howls. And it is a half-truth. For the character is correct, “no one alive can control a murder of crows.” But why would anyone want to? One could just make friends with the birds; maybe get to know them and see about joy-soaring with them. Who knows, one could get all kinds of lucky… and find oneself guiding the flight of an uncontrollably happy murder.

So… it’s not that I can’t publish Blooming Howls on Halloween day, but that I’m not willing to make my flesh and soul miserable in order to do it. My gut tells me that November 13th will be the day. Does this cause me a little pang? Unquestionably. But I’ll fly with it…
  
Murder of Crows 2.0, by xWaxWingx

I’m extending the Blooming Howls Blade Giveaway, since it is a celebration of the book release. I’m going to amend the previous giveaway posts to reflect the change. And I will write a post with the details in a day or three.

39 comments:

  1. 'Know Thyself' takes on whole new meaning, yea?

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  2. You know you mean TONS! to us all! Stop fretting, love you and yours and time is irrelevant! Bubble Bath time my wicked beauty! Huge hug and love Debi

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    1. Right back at you. I shall fret no more. Well, maybe just tiny bit. ;-D

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  3. I LOVE the title and so understand where you are coming from! Seems like we are leading the same life separated by 25ish years. Hang in there!

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    1. The more I talk about these things, the more like-souls I find. It gives one hope, in a strange sort of way... for we can always say, "If she did it so can I." And the good old, "I'm not alone."

      Hanging!

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  4. hey there gorgeous one......we who love you, praise the adult speaking and saying......I can do this, only a little later. It feels good for you and if it is good for you....it is good for us. It will make the reading of Blooming Howls that much sweeter having to wait a little longer. Smooches and Squoozes, Oma Linda

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    1. Remember how you and I were never supposed to grow up? Well, someone needs to tell our flesh and bones about it.

      I was thinking that now that I have extra time, I might even add a tiny surprise *cough, cough*.

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  5. 'Blooming Howls' will be born at precisely the right moment that it is supposed to be born. You just need to be kind to yourself, so you can enjoy that moment when it arrives. ❤ xo

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    1. We just can't rush a word baby into the world!

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  6. I have said it before and will likely say it again but I bless the day I found your blog. You're awesome Madame Magaly. Take care of you and we'll read Blooming Howls when it comes out. The tidbit I just saw I fb was like a hook in my brain and I want to know more!

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    1. Hooray for yummy hooks. I shall share a few more until publication day. ♥

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  7. You've got a great attitude, Magaly, and because of it you will always triumph.

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  8. Hoo, try being a person who could never do those things. I remember being 15 and getting yelled at by my parents because I couldn't lift the garbage bag and take it outside due to the arthritis in my hands.

    Speaking of crohn's, I had a colleague with that, and he improved immensely through dietary changes.

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    1. I've never much care for people (parents or otherwise) going off on me because something can be done the way they wish it. Since very, very, very young, I've left them rot in their disapproval if they dare spew it my way. As long as I (and those who aren't blinded by their own expectations) are happy, I'm quite well with it. If I don't let them, they can't touch me.

      My illness is not affected by the way I eat. Due to other health issues, which have been around since I was a child, I already satisfy the diet. Also, I'm lucky that I don't suffer the terrible having to go to the bathroom 20-50 times a day bit. But not so lucky, since my symptoms are silent, so by the time it hurts it's because things have progressed pretty badly. Guess we can have it all. LOL!

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  9. Blooming Howls will be worth waiting for. No doubt about that.

    I'm glad to hear you have at least a partial diagnosis - even that can be a heartening step in the right direction.

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    1. Hooray for patience! And for at least getting a tiny "why" answered. Not knowing can be such a nightmare...

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  10. 31st of the 10th... 13th of the 11th...
    did you know if you add up the dates with the year of release...
    you were going to release it...
    3 plus 1 plus 1 plus 0 plus 2 plus 0 plus 1 plus 4 =12
    now you are going to launch...
    1 plus 3, (date) plus 1 plus 0 (month) plus 2 plus 0 plus 1 plus 4 (year) WELL THAT ADDS UP TO 13!!!!!
    So it is a real bummer that we all have to wait longer
    BUT
    I'm thinking it is a lucky sign
    BECAUSE... even if you do the sums differently...
    13 (date plus 10 (month) plus 2014 (year) add up to 2038
    Break it down baby... add it up again... new launch gives you then 2 plus 0 plus 3 plus 8
    YES 13 AGAIN... YOUR PERFECT RELEASE DATE FOR HOWLING BLOOMS...
    now, you probs have realised I know nothing of numerology (not really sure how to spell it) and I'm lucky really to know what day it is... and I did sorta suck at anything past single number additions...
    BUT
    Maybe your body wanted you to release later(?) huh(?) when all the numbers added to 13...

    So rest Ms Wicked, gain strength, and kick these health issues in the arse with those marine boots of yours ok? Because I think you have aligned a perfect day for releasing a Howling best seller xox

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    1. I just did the numbers, too! Right on, Shelle! Plus, 13 morphs into 4 which is a strong foundation. Can't imagine anything better for a book to stand on!

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    2. Shelle, if I could hug you right now, I would probably break your bones with all the love. This is fantastic!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  11. WOW Shelle just blew my mind lol.....anyway...I am hugely proud of you my little witchy warrior....acceptance leads to clarity of mind...leads to inspirational ingenuity :D XXX

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    1. One of these days, she'll have to tell us how long it took to reason this out. Because yeah, WOW!

      I shouldn't take all the credit for any of the learning and accepting--I have such wonderful people in my life... Some of them go batty for Halloween! ♥️

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  12. When the caliber of product is as good as yours typically is, a bit of a wait is perfectly understandable. After all, good things come to those who wait, no? Do what you need to do, we'll be here. :)

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    1. I just grinned a ginormous grin.

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  13. I love to hear of people 'looking on the bright side' of everything, and you most certainly do that. x

    The best things come to those who wait, dear Magaly, and Blooming Howls will be worth waiting for, I just know it! ♥

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    1. If we over focus on all the grim (other than the fun movie bits, of course) then we end up blind. I like seeing what's in front of me...

      Yay for those who are willing to wait!

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  14. I am so glad you finally have a diagnosis and a diagnosis that is manageable. I know the relief of not having cancer!!!You will feel better soon!
    Lots of love and healing energy, Samhein wishes, relief prayers and hugs coming your way!!!!

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    1. I remember when you were going through all you throat issues... uncertainty is an ugly bastard to deal with!

      Thank you for the healing! Sending you hugs (((♥️))

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  15. I absolutely love your attitude, Magaly, it is so inspiring. Good on you for making the decision to take care of yourself and postpone the release of 'Blooming Howls' - by doing so, you'll now be able to enjoy it as much as we all will ♥

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    1. If I don't take of me, all the howling will stop for always. That's more terrible than anything, methinks.

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  16. This will just make the release all that much greater! Take care of yourself! We all love you!

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    1. I'm looking forward to a release day full of quote sharing and happy giggles... not me with a tube down my throat. I will leave that for any future horror tittle, lol!

      And you are loved right back!!!

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  17. We understand you beautiful soul! Take care of yourself and do what you got to do! Always supporting you over here :)

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  18. Some days I have to remind myself before I even get out of bed, "It's always something."
    And if there were not obstacles there would not be room for growth. Agreed, sometimes I don't think I desire or NEED growth in certain areas so badly, but inner strength is always valued.
    Taking care of our health~ physical, mental, emotional and more, is one of the most important yet difficult tasks we must learn to do. And some things, such as your book, are worth waiting for.
    I do wish diagnoses were easier to come by.

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    1. Let's hear it for growing with our chins high and growling at adversity!!!

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  19. I understand the feeling of relief that comes with naming the enemy. It makes the journey no simpler but at least you have the knowledge.

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    1. Indeed! We might not know exactly what to do about it, but at least we have the tools to prepare a battling plan. ;-)

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