You Know Nothing [about Me, My People or Our Wild Passions], Jon Snow

Blooming Howls might not be available for purchase until the end of October. It was supposed to be released on the 13th, but my current health situation—which demands more time than one would think decent—has taken my schedule into its own greedy hands. I’m posting this information at the very beginning because this is a long post about health, writing, living (and perhaps raging), and I didn’t want you to miss the bit about the publication.


Anyhoo, this is not exactly a surprise to me. If you read me often, you already know my health and I have been dancing with chaos for a while. Panic not, my Wicked Luvs, for things haven’t gotten worse yet. It’s just that in order to maintain the amount of health I’ve regained in the last few weeks, I must spend a lot of my day focusing on healing.

Friday marked the end of an arduous week of testing or perhaps the beginning of months of the same. There is no prognosis or definite time for diagnosis yet, but here are a few of the latest updates: my eyeball was given a partial bill of health (the scar might never go away and I will have to see the eye doctor regularly, but that’s better than the eye-patch alternative, isn’t it?); I completed the first part of back therapy and will see the rehabilitation physician in a few days for further treatment; and because October refuses to be out-probed or out-gored by September, the eeriest month of the year arrives in possession of some rather invasive procedures.

There are good things, too. In a few days, I’ll follow up with my bone doctor—I kind of love calling her that *grin*. I suspect she’ll allow me to add new exercises to my current routine. I miss working out… My muscles feel so very weak. I will also see the podiatrist again, and I’m hoping to find comfort and relief in the prosthetic equipment she ordered during our last visit.

I know all this sounds busy and gloomy, but it’s not as horrible as it could be. My Piano Man speaks of my bravery, my best friend cries and rages and hopes I didn’t have to go through so much all at once… and I’m so tired of all the changes. But like I said to my lover and to my loving friends, “Every time I think about how things could have been, I feel lucky.” I’m not basing this on all the emotional support I get—which goodness knows I probably couldn’t do without—I’m speaking about the practical bits. What if I had no access to medical treatment? What if I lacked the ability or means to get food and shelter? What if I had no love? What if the Universe had not blessed me with Aries stubbornness and tungsten-hard witchy will? What if…

Yes, my Wicked Luvs, things could have been so much worse…

However, knowing that I’m lucky and blessed (and so incredibly good looking) doesn’t take away from the fact that every time the doctors find a new thing, my mind is left exhausted and my soul shaken. Whenever I can, which is most of the time, I walk a mile or two before heading home from an appointment. I also call my Piano Man or two of my best friends to discuss the visit. I know they worry more than anyone, and they always know how to help me process whatever the doctor said—peace of mind is contagious.

A couple of days ago, I did something I don’t usually do after leaving the hospital: I returned the call of a writer, who had left me four voicemail messages in fewer than five hours. She wanted to know if I was still interested in adding my name to a reading event she organized for right after New York Comic Con 2014.

“I knew a reading would be good press for your short story collection,” she said. “I went ahead and submitted your name and mine.”

My first reaction was, “I’m sorry you did that on my behalf, but please call them back. I might not be able to publish Blooming Howls until much later than I thought. My health—”

“But you told your readers that it would be out in mid-October.”

“Yeah…,” I said. “But I’m pretty sure my Wicked Darlings will understand the delay on account of me being half-dead and drooling at some hospital.”

“This kind of irresponsible shit takes writers nowhere, Magaly.”

I was surprised (and a bit annoyed) that my attempt to lighten things up seemed to have incensed her instead. “Dude,” I said, “I’ve no time for this. I just left the hospital. I’m tired. I’m not sure I understand or care to take the time to figure out what you’re so pissed off about. Bye.” I ended the call, but felt bad about doing it in such an abrupt manner, so I picked up when she called back. “Dude,” I started… Yep, my eloquence reaches inspiring heights when I’m frustrated.

“I told everyone you already confirmed,” she said in a tiny voice. “[Insert names of writers here] might not come if they know you are not coming.” Her voice got even lower, “I won’t be able to afford the pub if they aren’t—”

“You rented a place!” You might’ve noticed that I wasn’t as outraged at the evidence of her initial deception. Not because I don’t care about her lying, but because I’ve heard of her doing that kind of thing before. People will be people. But just like I’m privy to her methods, everyone—including her—knows about my rule of spending when it comes to writing: at this time in my writing life, I’m only willing to spend on writing, money which writing has produced. “You better start calling people and telling them you made a mistake. There are too many places where we can read our stuff for free in New York City. I’m not paying when I don’t have to.”

“I know that,” she said. “I paid your share.”

My face was on fire. I couldn’t speak. Nothing physical restricted my words, but anything that came out of my mouth at that particular time would have been too hurtful to take back.

My silence seemed to have fed her recklessness because she said, “Look, my friend, let’s not pretend. You’re always flaunting your life in front of strangers anyway. I thought you could use the publicity. It’s not like you are George R. R. Martin, you know? Disappoint people enough and they’ll move on to better and more reliable things. I was trying to do you a favor—”

I cut her off. “I’ll give you until the end of the day. Call people. Tell them you were mistaken. And just so you know, my friend, I’m flaunting this in front of strangers as soon as I get a chance. Remember our common friends and colleagues read my blog, too. So please be sure you explain your mistake as thoroughly as you can manage it.” I ended the call without letting her add another word, and turned off my phone.


Yesterday, I asked friends with whom I interact on Facebook: “Do you know why I share so much about myself in my blog?” I suggested practicality when responding. “Why would you think a witchy writer of questionable health feels the need to share her day to day activities with friends, readers and pretty much anyone who owns a computer and cares to read her blog?”

The answers left me proud and teary-eyed. Here are a few of them. Please visit my Wall on the Book of Faces, if you wish to read the rest (they’ll be worth your time):
“We don’t all get out of the house much, and we want our readers to be/feel part of our real lives. We want people to know we are real…” ~ Gina

“Because if something rings true, even a tiny bit, to someone going through the same thing, it’s a bit of comfort, for both you and the reader to know you aren’t alone.” ~ Rommy

“Somebody out there has experience I do not and if they know where I am at in life they are a valuable resource.” ~ Marjenna

“…because your Muse has a perverse sense of humor.” ~ Jonquil

“You fight against ignorance, stand up for others and what you believe in.” ~ Jane

“Because the more honest you can be, the better you can write.” ~ Inari

To show “failures… along with successes…” to speak “about authenticity and how it is probably of more value both to [bloggers and to] readers, than presenting a carefully edited image…” ~ Emma (and a girl I don’t know ;-)

I could continue adding, but this post is already insanely long; besides, those of us who blog from the heart and bone already know a version of every response given. We might have to tweak it a bit to make it fit our own lives, but in the end we spend time at each other’s cyber-homes because we get each other.

I share my life with you because I need you: I don’t want you running for the hills when (and if) things in my life don’t go as planned; I let you glimpse inside my heart, so that you can see bits of yours and know no one is completely alone; and let’s face it, my Wicked Luvs, I share my Self with Yours because whenever I’m in the dumps you always find a way to say and/or do exactly what I need in order to crawl-leap out of the hole and keep on dancing. 

Wild Dance

60 comments:

  1. Today ~~ I dance with you ....

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  2. So....she added/paid so that people would attend to hear you, so that they could hear her. Yes?

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    1. It's almost funny when you put it that way, lol!

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  3. Read your FB post yesterday, Magaly and then this today--I don't understand why life often seems to order up double or triple doses of the difficult, the painful, the infuriating, but I know it does, and that we can only do what we can do. As always, I love your honesty, and your commitment to who you are--it is very hard to be authentic in this world, especially while juggling fiery balls of pain and the incomprehensible behavior of others. We write(and share, often) because we are full, and it must spill out somewhere or the acid can eat us up, or the joy trickle away--let it all spill in a place where it does some good, I say. Best healing thoughts and wishes your way, Magaly.

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    1. Maybe life is giving it all to me now so that later on I can retire without worries. Fingers crossed, right?

      "We write(and share, often) because we are full, and it must spill out somewhere or the acid can eat us up, or the joy trickle away--let it all spill in a place where it does some good, I say." That was delicious.

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  4. Bwahahaha....*is being extremely childish* ...I bet you are getting relief with the aid of that "prosthetic equipment" ! ...and that is totally the kind of fabulous one liner that only happens in real life :D XXX

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    1. You know I won't be able to keep a straight face when I see my podiatrist, right? It's going to be a medical visit to remember, lol!

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  5. ...and as to doing YOU a favour.....sounds like you were the one doing HER a favour....even though she didn't ask you first. XXX

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  6. Oh dear. Organizer Dude needs to learn to stop making decisions on other people's behalf. Never a good idea and just oh so manipulative to boot.

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    1. "Organizer Dude," I like that. LOL!

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  7. I love what Gina said, reading author blogs make all of you more real to me. You are real people doing a amazing and average things. It's great to connect to you in this way. I can feel close to you without being creepy too which is also great. Besides having an author write about the process of getting the new book out makes me less impatient. I know you are working hard, I'm excited to read it but being able to read you talk about it makes less "Where is it now?! Want!"
    So like I said you have a bit of delay on your book, but that's ok because I still get to read your blog until then.

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    1. It is so much easier to understand (and even offer support) when we know why, isn't it?

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  8. I agree that positive thoughts bring positive results--I count the victories with my health--but O--it is tiring, isn't it? The next task: how not to be bored at being tired. I'm practicing being a cat, napping, finding the patch of sun. (Thank you for sharing the episode from that non-friend-writer. She's a double intruder for implicating you in what does or doesn't happen, for creating needs for damage control. But your readers are with you and you are never alone when people know you. That's what I get from your "blogging personal stuff." You are too public for a prank like hers to cause harm.)

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    1. From now on, every time I text my Piano Man to tell them I'm taking a nap, I'll tell him "I'm going to do like a cat for a hour," instead. ;-D

      I think your last line is key. Being too open can become a problem at times, but when everybody sees what you do all the time, then it is very difficult to twist anything you've done into something that wasn't.

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  9. "because we get each other"

    Alternative bloggers unite!

    I say no more, except; Feel better, dearest Magaly.

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  10. Ok, that woman is more of a frenemy. My first thought is how dare she 1) commit you to anything without your consent? 2) how dare she ignore your health needs when you're clearly struggling? 3) and how dare she use GRRM's status to imply you need to sacrifice your health to do her gig? As GRRM's lovely wife is one of my three best friends, I know that for 30 some years she and their friends have always encouraged George to take care of his health first - and she's his best advocate for that. She may be right that you're not George, but that's ok. Your stories and your voice isn't his and never will be. Whether you make it as a "big name" writer doesn't depend on her and her machinations.

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    1. People need to learn to sort out their priorities. If we drop dead, then no one will publish anything.

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  11. Some people just can't handle honesty. It's not how they operate, so they cannot recognize it.

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    1. And when it hits them in the teeth it hurts.

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  12. WOW, that writer friend(not) has balls LOL. Magaly you keep being you and doing your thing, we will be here for you and to read you at your convenience, because it's your life and your writing and no one elses.

    I hope things start looking up health wise sooner rather than later, I truly can't stand it when friends or family are ill, it hurts my heart.

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  13. Oh my GOOOODDDDDDD the conversation was leaving me stewing not even being a part of it. Presumptuousness and absurdity all rolled up into one bundle. I am more than happy that you share your life with us, it is YOUR life and we appreciate and enjoy you for the beautiful soul that you are. We get you Magaly, we are your tribe <3

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  14. She was trying to make you feel bad because it was easier to do that than admit to herself she had done a foolish thing. Once upon a time, it might have surprised me that she doubled down on the crazy/obnoxious factor to avoid dealing with the obvious - she done effed up. But there's a certain personality type that will always double down the crazy if it keeps them from the painful process of acknowledging mistakes, and boy oh boy, is this person an example of that!

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    1. It has to be very difficult to be her. Unless she doesn't see what she's doing, which can be a possibility. I just can't see someone acting like this in a conscious manner without understanding that there will consequences.

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  15. Breath! Typical transferr acne of responsibility! Goes with " pass the buck" business practices of today.
    You only have deadlines when money crosses YOUR palms.....enough energe spent on this
    Now Please get well, that is all that matters! xoDebi

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  16. Ugh! The various tactics employed to manipulate you into doing what she wants... from bullying to playing on your sympathy to insults... Ugh! I've been watching my son go through this over the past few weeks, as 2 girls he's been forced to work with on a group school assignment have been trying everything under the sun to maneuver him into doing exactly what they want, so I'm nicely primed for some righteous indignation on your behalf! ;)

    You did absolutely the right thing (and with great aplomb, I might add) by not caving in to the bullying. ❤

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    1. Goodness, I bet you are about to burst a vein on behalf of your boy, too. There is nothing worse than people who don't understand the meaning of teamwork. And this is coming from one of the most typical Aries in the world--I'm never totally happy when working with a team. I tend to want things my way, but I've lived enough to know that wanting that is silly. That doesn't keep me from sulking every now and then. I'm hoping your son can deal with this issue without too much headache.

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  17. Keep on dancing wildly.

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  18. oh for pity's sake. Some people's children will never understand class and also will never "get it" when it comes to being in relationship with someone. I hope she is embarrassed at her own behavior but.....I doubt it. The offenders like her very seldom take responsibility for their ineptitude. Much love and healing grace. Oma Linda

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    1. I, too, hope that she is a bit embarrassed. And that she learns something from it. If not, she's going to lose the few friends she has left. And that's very sad.

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  19. Yep, continual pain and the need to sort it can be incredibly draining. You've inspired me to share my story a bit on my blog (when I get around to writing it). I often wonder if people would care to read it or just want the 'witchy' stuff. I hope everything goes extremely well health wise and writing wise of course! As for the fellow writer, she seems a very manipulative yet unconfident person. If people won't come because you're not going, it speaks to what people think of her and clearly she doesn't want to deal with the truth.

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    1. But your life is "witchy stuff." I'm sure we'll love to read it.

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  20. I'm so glad you didn't agree to anything, especially as it was all planned without your say-so. The cheek of some people! Your health comes first, above all else. I hope you feel better soon, and keep dancing, beautiful Magaly.

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    1. I'm not willing to be manipulated in the best of circumstances. And trying to guilt trip me into doing something I don't want is not even close to good enough--I have a hot and wild kind of disdain for guilt. Accept responsibility, fix it and move on, that's what I say. But we all have our ways, don't we?

      In any case, my health comes first like you say. And then there is the dancing... ;-D

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  21. Ack, did that person actually try to guilt-trip you into coming when it most likely won't fit your plans? Sucks big time! But she should have known you better than that... anyway, get better soon, publish whenever you can and know that many of your readers are looking forward to reading more of your Aries madness!

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    1. Some people understanding of common sense makes no sense at all.

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  22. You are learning along the lines of my own personal syllabus... taking care of self, disallowing others to take advantage, heal-heal-heal. Be loyal and committed to your own well-being! Be well!

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    1. If we don't take care of ourselves, then our selves won't be able to take care of anyone. Where is the fun (or glory) in that, right?

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  23. Magaly, isn't it bizarre how others do not want to listen to your situation... they simply bitch about their own? I do enormous amounts of self-disclosure on my site, not because I think it makes me unique, but because within those posts, there are seeds of self-discovery for others who may need to listen to their inner voices. Whether it's sexual abuse as a child or mental health or being an LGBTQ ally, I try to get folks to think. And you do that, brilliantly.

    As far as others going all willy-nilly (guilty-shmilty) on your ass, I know you cannot completely shut out others, no matter how bad the vibe is at that moment. But if you can place them and their demands in a bubble somewhere outside yourself (it takes meditation), then when the bubble gets close and threatens your well-being, you can flick it away! Magic works wonders. Much love and light to you, and I do hope the bugaboos inside your body decide to take a frickin' hike, already. Amy

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    1. I tend to use the phrase "people will be people" quite a bit. But you know what? Every now and then, people are just weird creatures that I suspect can't even make sense of their own selves.

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  24. It seems to work for you. People react positively to you.

    I'm pretty unvarnished in my approach online, but it seems that mostly I get grief. ' __ '

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    1. Some people do. Others... well, we must walk around them and hope they do the same for us.

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  25. I need you Magaly ;o)
    You are my kick ass, beautiful, Witchy Woman ;o)
    My special friend, you are never out of my thoughts! Always sending you healing prayers! I wish I could do more for you!!!
    Big Hugs xoxoxo

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    1. You make me want to sing, my dear Stacy! ♥

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  26. I am at home with children 90% of the time.

    I love my children, and I'm devoted to their care. Which is sometimes more than average, not just because of their numbers, but as you know, special needs too.

    The other bloggers I read, they're my community. They let me know I'm not crazy. They remind me of beauty on days that are bleak. They wake up my senses on days when I feel numb. They encourage me to remember and nurture my spiritual side.

    In a time when we don't know our neighbors as well, you are part of my community. My kindred spirits who remind me that I'm okay being just who I am.

    What your "friend" did was unacceptable, as you clearly know. I am inspired by seeing you set your boundaries and refuse to be bullied into changing them. People pleasing is a skill I'm trying to unlearn. Not that I want to upset people, but boundaries are sometimes compromised in the desire to make other people happy.

    Hugs and love to you, Magaly.

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    1. When we try to please everyone, we always end up very unhappy... It's such a simple concept, but goodness how difficult it is to implement. I've had to walk away from more than one individual in my life (in order to keep from losing my mind or smacking them), but they always pop up to remind you how "unfair" you were. And if we don't remember whey we said goodbye on the first place, they can truly break us/

      The other day, I was wondering if I would be able to deal with my current health situation as well as I do, if I didn't have the community you speak of. You have a small loving army to take care off. I'm sure there are days when you tell yourself that you'll get dress and go out... maybe just for a walk.. just to wake up a few hours later passed out and wondering if you had fund in the walk you never took. With online friends, we can take that little stroll when we wake up from the surprise nap...

      Hugs and love, right back at you. ♥

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  27. Like you I tend to focus on the "practical bits" and the knowledge that things could be much worse.

    Loved how you handled the invasive individual. I hate it when people assume for you, they have no idea what is going on in your life.

    Hugs, gail

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    1. If we don't embrace the practical bits, our dreams will have no foundation to spring from... methinks.

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  28. And may you keep on dancing my friend. You are an inspiration to me and to all of your readers, Magaly. Thinking of you as you work your way through this month!

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    1. Thank you, Francie. Dancing on... ;-)

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  29. I'm so sorry you are having so many health problems. at this point in my life, though I feel healthy, I really avoid doctors because they might find something. I know head in the sand.

    I find it a little ironic that your 'friend' accused you of acting irresponsibly when she had been irresponsible by confirming you without your consent. and had no compassion or understanding for why you couldn't participate. selfish.

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    1. The idea of not seeing doctors sounds very tempting, lol.

      Some "friends" are better never met...

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  30. You know, I've been thinking about why I write since I saw your facebook post. When I started my first blog, it was to sort out all the confusion in my head. Writing helped that. There's somewhat less confusion these days - I did actually get a bit of it sorted - but writing my blog has become something else. For the past few months, my Depression has been kicking my ass. Writing has become an exercise in managing Depression.

    Writing is me clawing my way up the walls of the pit, and if the walls keep getting higher, it's okay, because I'm not at the bottom.

    As far as that "irresponsible shit" comment... I think it's awesome (for everyone involved) that you're writing at all, and that you're writing as much as you are, while you're going through all this craziness. It's impressive, and speaks to your tenacious spark and general badassery.

    That's a word.
    That's totally a word.

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    1. One of the things I love most is to see how a bloggers style (and reasons for blogging) evolves with the years. I started writing because I wanted people to see that Witches were just people. Then I realized that there was so much more behind my reasons, and that I wasn't only writing to give others a glimpse into my beliefs and desires, but also for me to learn about how to do just that.

      "badassery" is a word indeed. You just said it, didn't you? ;-D

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