We Are Not Going to Be Able to Go to Your Wedding. Sorry!

The title of this post is the text reply I received from a group of people I love, after I invited them to my wedding. The response was expected, so I’m not too upset. They will be missed.

A good friend said that I should “confront” them; ask them why they chose to decline the invitation. “They should have the guts to tell you face-to-face. At least on the phone,” she said. I smiled at her, and felt super blessed for the loving outrage she expressed on my behalf; and because she looked super hilarious shaking her fist and baring her teeth.

Are you wondering why I didn’t ask for an explanation? I hope so… because I’m about to tell you. Before inviting the group in question, I explained to them what the wedding would be like. I did so in detail. I said “our rite of passage into marriage will be led by two men who are married to each other, whom my Piano Man and I admire. The ritual will take place in a circle formed by friends and family. Things will be short and simple: words from the married couple leading the ritual, ring exchange, tying of the cord and then there will be eating and dancing.” 

After I was done with the short explanation, I told them that they didn’t need to answer right away. You see, my Wicked Luvs, this group that I love and I have had many philosophical conversations in the past. I know how they feel about gay people, about witchy living, about dancing… and about many other things their belief system considers a sin.

My Piano Man and I don’t want anyone feeling uncomfortable or making other loved ones feel uncomfortable while we are exchanging our words of love. I believe that everything is made of energy, and as much as I might love someone, I don’t want their negative energy—funny looks or long faces—anywhere near our circle of love. June 29th is for me, for my Piano Man, and for those who love us and can be happy with and around everyone we’ve chosen to love. If that is not possible, then I’m very happy that they have chosen to love us on their own terms… and from afar on that day.

I shared the anecdote with L, a girl who asked me the following question: “Ms. Magaly, I am thinking about coming out as a Pagan. I am 22 and going to college for social work in Florida. My parents, family, and everyone back home is very conservative and Christian. I do not think things will go well. I know they will not. This is not going to change my mind. I am who I am. But you have experienced a lot of life, and I want to know if you can offer any guidance for what I will have to face when I go home for the summer.”

I told L that although I’ve been living the witchy life for about two decades, I’ve never actually walked up to anyone and said, “I’m a Witch. You are important to me, so I needed you to know that.” If anyone asks a direct question, I do respond. Nowadays, I might even give the inquirer a link to my blog, telling them that the answer to the question is a complex one and it would take time to share, digest and understand. Being accepted by them never really comes into my mind, for I accepted myself a long time ago.

That is the poetic answer. The more realistic one goes something like this: I didn’t start wearing my pentacle outside my clothes until 2007. I was in the military, working with people who were seriously injured, and I didn’t want questions about beliefs keeping me from giving my Marines the assistance they needed and deserved.

 Some people will walk away from a person their faith tells them might be tainted. They would even run, if the first thing they see when approached by a stranger is a shiny five-pointed star that years and years of misinformation, confusion, and fear has labeled evil. My patients, my Marines, didn’t need to know I was a Dirt Worshiper in order for me to help them get to their neurologist appointments. And by the time the pentacle and the little candle I kept on my desk gave anyone a clue about my beliefs, they knew me well enough not to care or cared enough to ask the right questions.

I shared L’s question on Facebook. I did it for several reasons: (1) because of the old bit about “ask 13 Witches to tell you what it means to be a Witch, and you’ll get 13 different answers.” If the asker is lucky, the answers might even be somewhat compatible; (2) I wanted her to see that her question was not exclusively witchy—anyone who kisses individuality on the mouth will have issues with certain conservatisms.

The latter doesn’t mean that the conventional souls who adore our wild selves are wrong or don’t love us back. It only means that they are different: they see the world through their own eyes, experiences, hearts… and make sense of things through their own beliefs.  Diane King, a Facebook friend, said it well: “We need not always show everyone who we are inside, some things are just not for sharing [at least not without very specific reasons]… everything has a time and a place.”

My decision to request no explanation from the loved ones who declined attending my wedding came out of respect and caution. I love them. They love me. They don’t much care for the way I live my life, and have nothing good to say about the way some of my best friends live their happiness. They believe we live in sin and are afraid our souls will be lost and burned. Can you imagine holding those emotions in your heart about a person you love? It has to be hell. So I choose to be gentle and let them live the life they’ve chosen. Besides, I’m sure most of us understand why someone who lives by the beliefs described above would rather not be part of a circle where a Witch marries an atheist and are welcomed into marriage by a happily wedded gay couple.

Be Happy. Be Wicked. Be You And never forget that Wicked only means “evil or sinful” if you choose that meaning for the word. Expand your lexical box, go deep, add some original slang to your tang, and you’ll see that Wicked is also “wonderful; great; masterful; deeply satisfying” and deliciously darling. ;-)

49 comments:

  1. You're probably taking the best direction at this. You don't want them feeling uncomfortable, or making YOU feel uncomfortable. Politeness rules the day in these moments. Religion and belief is a tricky subject anyway. For myself? I find it hard to have an opinion on another person's beliefs or life choices. Why should I be allowed an opinion? I'm not living their existence. If they're good to me, that's enough for me. You'll hear this endlessly until THE day from me, so forgive the broken-record tone, but, just be selfish. This is your day. Enjoy it. Be greedy. And the ones who can't take part? It's their loss.

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    1. "I find it hard to have an opinion on another person's beliefs or life choices. Why should I be allowed an opinion? I'm not living their existence. If they're good to me, that's enough for me." I love the way you approach other people's choices Narrator, I like thinking that I'm the say way. I think no one with common sense would be able to truly understand why some people feel that they have the need to dictate (or even have a saying in) how others live their existence, even if it has little to do with them. Wow, that's a long sentence, lol!

      I shall enjoy my happiness greedily and fully. Always!

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  2. I love that you've given everyone the option of being there, without making them feel uncomfortable about saying they can't make it. You deserve to be showered with happiness and to feel comfortable and relaxed on your special day with Piano Man <3

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    1. I've always been baffled by the concept of doing something just because "it's proper." Proper shouldn't make us miserable... unless we're talking about certain medical procedures. ;-D

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  3. Best they stay away. You don't want that disapproving energy at your wedding. I find it hard to understand why some people embrace such a fearful approach to life, labeling so many things that bring joy as sinful.

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    1. I find it hard to belief that they can go on day after day. Feeling affected by the decisions others make, even when they don't quite concern us, has to be tiring to no end. And the word "sinful" has always seem pretentious, overused, and too judgmental for my taste. So to each his own, right? ;-)

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  4. I love it when Pagans practice the tolerance they deserve from others, whether they get it or not. Hold your head up and walk the talk proudly!
    xx

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    1. Just imagine how insanely happy we would be if everyone paid everyone else the same courtesy... I grin just thinking about it. ;-)

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  5. You are wise in your choices. Forty three years ago, I was much younger and set to be wed. Between my mother and my grandmother, all very Christian, I was pretty much railroaded into every detail of the wedding. I wanted to get married outside and wear a big picture hat, I would be married in the church with a veil borrowed from my aunt, etc. I used to joke that the only thing I got to choose was the guy I married! When many years passed and it still wore at me, I decided to have a hand fasting ceremony for our 35th anniversary. With the help of my daughters we put together a splendid, very private ceremony in our favorite spot in Rocky Mountain National park. The trees were festooned in ribbons and we were all attired in our Ren Faire best, men in kilts (Yum), and my granddaughter sprouted faery wings as she tied the cord around our joined hands. My very Christian relatives were not even told about it. I had the affair I wanted and their sensibilities were not offended. A grand time was had by all! We had a large party afterward and did include friends that had not been at the ceremony, so no explaining of calling in the directions and such was needed. Do what makes you happy, Magaly! You are making memories that will last your lifetime! Best wishes to you and your Piano Man!

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    1. Your ceremony sounds beautiful, happy... brimming with joy and love. <3

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  6. Why confront a group when you already know the answer? By explaining what would be happening you did not alienate or snub, instead your actions let them know you cared for them & respected their opinions. Nicely done :)

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    1. Everyone deserves the chance to be happy on their own terms... especially me, lol!

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  7. I admire your calm, maturity and prose.......Now Get wedded, bedded and be happy! xoDebi

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    1. I hope my Grandmother and a few other ladies who saw me growing up are reading this, lol! And I shall get wedded and continue to be happy. We've been practicing the getting bedded part over and over and over... We're getting quite good at it. ;-D

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  8. This is one of a million reasons why your are so awesome! It amazes me that someone's beliefs whether I see them as right or wrong, could keep them from celebrating your happiness. They are missing out on so much joy. Some people will never see that just because you don't agree with a person doesn't mean you can't be happy just in the fact that they are happy.

    When my husband and I married, one of his friends actually said that he was coming because he wanted to see how a wedding could be performed outside (the HORROR!!) At least he was honest, and was a welcomed guest at our wedding --even through the distain ;)

    I'm glad you will not have that negativity on your day. Well done, and I am SO happy for you and your Piano Man!!

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    1. "a wedding performed outside," huh? I would have loved to see the expression on your face when you heard that admission, lol!

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    2. Yep, according to Catholic teaching, you have to be married in a Catholic church by a Catholic priest or you aren't really married. He had never been to a wedding outside. It was hard not to giggle, but I figured I'd look at it like a "teaching moment"... Show him that people who don't necessarily prescribe to his beliefs are able to function in the world without being struck by lightening :) He was a trooper, although I did see him staring at the sky a lot...

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  9. The level of acceptance of a situation is the true mark of a soul. It is so obvious that you have a deep rich soul understanding of not only yourself but also of others. It seems so simply. Knowing when not to rile up a hornets nest, but to some it is just too much of a temptation not to poke the nest with the stick of righteous indignation. Your wisdom is refreshing. xoxo Oma Linda

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    1. Not accepting others like they are is too exhausting. I like living happily lazy... which is why I choose to love people like they want to be loved. And if the way they want to be loved is not compatible with what I have to offer, well... then I let them live away from me. So much easier. And it leaves me with a lot of heart to adore those who love me just like I want to be loved. ♥

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  10. You know I'm not Pagan, but it's for things like this that I read your blog religiously (haha) - because people don't need to share belief systems in order to love, understand, and appreciate each other. And reading your beautiful, wise, and yes wicked, words as you stay confident and strong and true to yourself and never waver, but that doesn't stop you - and probably actually helps you - respect other people and their needs - it reminds me of the kind of person I want to be.

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    1. Well, you've made me feel all grown up while making me giggle before seven in the morning. You, Miss Esther, are a gifted soul! *Ha!*

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  11. We can't control the opinions of others or what others think or do and unless they are actually causing harm to others, in general it's none of our business what others believe. You and your man are comfortable in who you are Magaly, that's the important thing. While it's nice to think others will accept us as we are, life doesn't always work out like that. Sometimes it up to us to just accept others as they are and hope that sooner or later they will be able to do the same for us. If we love them it also means accepting that there are parts of us they will never truly understand but that doesn't diminish our feelings for them or them for us.

    Enjoy your wedding day in the way you and your man want, it's your day. The love of those absent will still find it's way to you, but both you and they will be spared the negativity that could come with them physically attending if they would not be comfortable at the ceremony. People can fear what they don't understand but you don't always have to be in close proximity or have complete understanding to be in someone heart and thoughts. I'm sure you'll both be in many peoples hearts as you tied the knot, both present and absent, far and near.

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    1. "If we love them it also means accepting that there are parts of us they will never truly understand but that doesn't diminish our feelings for them or them for us." Such much wisdom... And the perfect way of explaining why we haven't slapped some cousins silly, lol!

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  12. You're handling it with beauty and grace. <3 Now then, I had NO idea we would be sharing an anniversary date!!! Dave and I were married June 29, 2012!

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    1. We are! That is sooo awesome. Just imagine, every 29th of June, we can call each other and spend all kinds of time going, "Happy anniversary to you!" *Ha!*

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  13. I understand completely. We did our handfasting completely alone and now at the wiccaning will be us and her godmother. I did not want to deal with anyone's issues on those days!
    Your wedding ceremony sounds beautiful! I wish you calmness and serenity till that day, because Gods know how hard it is to organize anything that involves more than 5 people, let alone a wedding!

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    1. We are having about a dozen guests and I still can't believe the amount of preparations to be made. I can't imagine how people who have enormous ceremonies can deal with the stress that might bring. Then again, maybe they are just different from us!

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  14. This is a great post Magaly ;o)
    You are a very wise young lady ;o) Your ceremony is going to be so special! On that day, I will be sending many blessings and lots of good energy your way ;o) I loved how you talked about energy ;o)
    Those people are missing out on a very Special Wedding!
    Big Hugs ;o)

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    1. I will email you the exact time for the ceremony, so that you can do a special Stacy Happy Dance for us! <3

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    2. I would love that, thank you ;o) I have to e-mail you! Something is on the way to you ;o)

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  15. I love that you invited them, explained how it would be so that they could make an informed decision and you would not have negative energy on your day! Respect is a two way street, in order to have it we must give it and you obviously know that - kudos to you, your ceremony sounds perfect and I imagine it will be just as fabulous as it sounds.

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    1. "Respect is a two way street" that stays clean and lovely when everyone knows that everyone else has right to their bit of the road, isn't it?

      I, too, have been imagining that our union day will be lovely. Will tell you all about it. ;-)

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  16. I am so proud of you right now :D XXX

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    1. ...and I am so very happily smug because my chosen Sister, Mama, Friend is proud of my witchy self. ;-D

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  17. Your wedding invitation sounds wonderful and way better than any I have ever received... so I have to be honest about how this post made me feel, even though it might sound harsh:
    Unless they are family (because I understand the thick blood and all the exceptions one makes for one's immediate family) why do you state so many times during this post really how MUCH you love these bigoted, fearful and judgmental people? Doesn't that go against all that you stand for, and against many of the other people that you love?
    I'm very curious. How do the free thinking pagans and your gay friends feel about you loving and including people with such hatred and fear against exactly them?


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    1. I will answer this question in a nearly cryptic way that is not cryptic at all because you are a brilliant woman... First you are very observant, so you have already seen what isn't there. And second, every now and then, certain individuals are responsible for the well-being, teaching, protection... of souls that can't not take care of themselves or are in a position to make decisions for themselves. In short, the invitation was issued because I will not lose (or punish) the latter for the former. One day, in eleven years or so, this will no longer be an issues. I can't wait!

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    2. Then I completely understand, thank you for clearing it up for me :)
      My dear father would fall under the same category, but I'm sorry to say it will probably take more than 11 years for him to come around.

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    3. I'm crossing my fingers for what might or might not happen in those 11 years...

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  18. [Trying again - without the spelling mistakes!]

    Well I didn't know that about the word wicked. I prefer to use it meaning something terribly naughty (hee hee). Guess we'll have to live with our differences, eh, Magaly! :) If i was in NYC I would beg to take the place of your friends who declined! Your wedding sounds MOST unique and wonderful. Much like yourself!

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    1. Oh, I do love the "terribly naughty" meaning of the word wicked, too. And how fun it is to use. ;-D If you were anywhere around NYC, I think we would get together a whole lot and for all kinds of accessions. Difference is the outside and when it comes to approaching life is a rather fun part of a friendship, especially when the core is so similar. ;-)

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  19. What a fantastic ceremony that sounds! I think handfasting is a wonderful tradition. Congratulations. :)

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    1. There is something to be said about doing things because they fill our hearts and not just because it is the thing to do. Yep, there are "fantastic" things to say about this "wonderful" things... ;-)

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  20. Well done, you. You are a noble soul and a shining example as to what we should do, with weddings, with our beliefs and with our friends. Because it would be a strangely arid world if our friends were only those people whose beliefs and world-view marched lockstep with ours. Where would the kinder aspects of friendship be then? Where would be the spice? You're right about giving these people a no-strings way to excuse themselves, with a heart full of abundant love and forgiveness and understanding. Bless you.

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    1. Debates and shiny sparkles in same-minded persons are a dream that will never be. Everyone would die of extreme yawning and boredom attacks. The thought of living friendships surrounded by people just like me makes me shiver a bit... My heart needs variety for this dance called life!

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    2. "it would be a strangely arid world if our friends were only those people whose beliefs and world-view marched lockstep with ours."

      I like repeating great thoughts... ;-)

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  21. Accepting people even though they may not even accept us completely is a hard thing to do. It's hard to listen to the constant yammering some of them put forth to try and reason us into embracing their lifestyles, and forsaking our own. I agree on not always needing people to know who we are on the inside, when you have to hide it for major reasons, it's only nature not to rock the boat when you're sitting in it. Spiritual life is a very personal thing. You know me, "it's like asking someone about their sex life.....".

    I can't wait to see pictures and hear tales about you and your Piano Man's special day. Love you, Magaly!

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    1. I think the trick is in remembering that accepting someone doesn't mean that we have to agree with (or accept) their "yammering." And we can always do our best to avoid most of the nonsense. Yes, my "we" I mean "me."

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  22. Beautiful and I think you handled it right, you don't want negativity on your day and you explained what would be happening to avoid any.

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