I Wish I Could Quit You! (A Fairy Tale of the Facebook Mafia and Me)

Once upon a time, in a land far away from Brokeback Mountain and from extremely hot cowboys doing naughty things in tents… Okay, so this tale isn’t that old or that sexy. And it actually started in 2009 in New York. I was skeptical in the beginning, but soon I was attracted to Little f. At first, it was just a night thing between us. I would lie in bed, enjoy Little f’s offerings and go to sleep satisfied—no attachments, no unreasonable requirements, no visible drama; I was happy.

Then bit by bit, I started wanting Little f at all times of the day. When Little f noticed, he began to show his face’s true colors—it contained shades of madness, possessiveness, manipulation and behaviors more invasive than those of a dandelion with clearly psychotic foreign policy agendas and conquistador aspirations.

The day came when I finally realized that Little f was not as friendly as I believed him to be. Not at all, my Wicked Luvs; Little f had been entangling me (and 1.3 billion others) in his social web, nice and tight, until leaving him seemed close to impossible. For some, cutting ties with Little f might mean social suicide… at least for a while.

I contacted The Godmother seeking guidance…

“Lori,” I said. “I need to leave Little f. He used to be so wonderful.” I paused, choked by emotions that took the shape of wails (which I’ve just made up to increase the drama of this situation). “Lori, I think Little f is bipolar. He keeps on changing his mind about my newsfeed. He is creating obstacles between my friends and me. His erraticism makes interaction a bit of a nightmare. To be honest, he is getting on my freaking nerves.”

“Have you thought about filtering your newsfeed,” The Godmother said. “Sometimes, dear one, relationships need boundaries. And poison and defenestration, too, but in this case I think a little filtering might do.”

So I began to filter my feed—I’ve met a lot of people through Little f in the last five years. Some of whom I like very much, but don’t post as often. The latter seems to tell Little f (somehow!) that these people’s updates aren’t important to me. So he sends their words to who knows where… in order to give priority (in my supposedly-filtered feed) to one thousand and one memes I don’t care for and one million and two promotional posts from people I’ve never met.

“Lori,” I said, “filtering didn’t work. Little f seems to wait until I set something in a particular way, just to change it without telling me why, and then ask me if I like it. I think he’s crazy.”

I almost left Little f all together. But, yes, like many other masochists of my ilk, I enjoy the good bits of Little f—we all need a guilty pleasure, right? Also, there is a person who means the world to me for whom Little f symbolizes independence, connection with the outside world, and a bunch of other things a soul needs to survive. I figured that I could keep a page, in order to keep that person in my life and in happiness.

After I explained all this to The Godmother, she said, “Little f has you where he wanted you: by the throat of your relationship with someone you love.”

“I know,” I said. “It’s just like the mafia.”

“Not just like, young grasshopper,” The Godmother (gone ninja) said.

“Damn,” I said.


So… in case this not so cryptic tale wasn’t clear, let me say that I’m not turning my profile into a page. I made the attempt and things went terribly wrong: I tried to keep a Magaly Guerrero profile and a Magaly Guerrero page. The confusion was maddening: when my guinea pig (she requested to be referred to as “test subject, which sounds more dignifying”)… anyway, when test subject Lori searched for Magaly Guerrero, both the profile and page would show up; even after I made the profile unsearchable and we unfriended each other to see if that setting would make a difference.   

I’m still a member of the profile Facebook mafia. No page. My nerves can’t handle the pressure…


Fine, so I don’t really wish I could quit you, Little f. I just wish you would stop acting so freaking insane. Changing your mind every now and then and even changing it again after that is okay, but do you really have to mess things up this much? this often? these many times? I didn’t think so. Please, try to keep it together for more than three months at a time. It would make so many people happy. Seriously. I know, I know, I know I can just walk away and leave you behind anytime I choose, but I kind of like some things about you, Little f-ing bastard. *cough* 

Now, please, my Wicked Luvs, tell me something awesome about April. Make it up if you have to—but make it wild, mirthful and make it deliciously wicked—I’m kind of desperate here!  

image via

41 comments:

  1. Yes I too with I could divorce little f but he just won't let me.

    I had several things wonderful that happened in April, 1st I join a gym and have lost 4lbs so far, but the best part of April was celebrating my wonderful hubbies birthday it was a truly magical day!!!

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    1. Divorces are so expensive and time consuming. I understand why you, too, choose to remain with the Little f. ;-D

      Yay! for joining the gym. I hope you like the place a lot. And magical birthdays with the ones with love are the best. I bet your hubby had a great time. I'm supposed to celebrate my birthday with my Piano Man on May 5th. I'm sooo looking forward to it!

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  2. I left for a bit but came back cause my family is there...no way am I getting them to change sooo...I'm back with little f. As for Awesome April I finally at the gentle nudges of Muse (see sneak attack) started a blog. :) love you

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    1. I think we all get the leaving-urge every once in a while. I've seen friends leave and come back and leave again and... well, you know. I'm not planning to leave Little f completely. I just wish pages got more interactive options. Oh well. We'll live, blog, and do all those other things we do.

      So glad you started blogging! ♥

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  3. Ahh, facebook. The old love/hate relationship. I love the people I've met there; all kinds of people who I wouldn't normally meet, who I like to talk to and feel some connection with. But facebook itself? It's a greedy narcissistic time-vampire. Paranoid and controlling about other networks I might like, determined to keep tabs on everything I do, hides messages, loses images... I wish there was another way to do this, but I really can't spend the time to work up another social network. I feel your pain, Magaly, and the awful temptation of facebook's poisoned little fruits (That's not a Brokeback Mountain metaphor, honest.) I know friends who swore they'd stop. They never stay away for long.... If you find somewhere better, let us all know? Please.

    Oh, April? Wow, April was pretty good. Really, really good. *sighs happily* And yes, that's all I'm saying.

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    1. "Thou shall love no other social network but I!" I can almost hear him. He does have an insecurity complex sprinkled with a rather unhealthy bit of paranoia, doesn't he? Oh well, some of the people I've met (and communicate with there) are worth the nonsense.

      "Really, really good." Works for me, even if you say no more about it. I can hear the giggles. ;-D

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  4. "Seriously. I know, I know, I know I can just walk away and leave you behind anytime I choose, but I kind of like you, Little f-ing bastard. *cough*"

    Laughed so hard that I choked a little on my coffee! I too have a love-hate relationship with the little f-er! Some of the things I see pop up on my feed make me despair for humanity, but as Rhissanna mentioned, it also enables one to connect with lovelies from all over the planet. It's an f-ing double-edged sword. *sigh*

    Something awesome about Hurricane April? Hmm... Well, amidst all the chaos, I was reminded of what is most important to me and saw clearly some changes I want to make and some fresh goals I want to set for myself. And my squeal-worthy copy of 'Dracula', illustrated by Edward Gorey, arrived in the mail too! ;D

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    1. I have to admit that I did laugh more than thrice while writing this. It was just what I needed, too. I'm glad you got a bit choked up... with emotion. LOL!

      "Hurricane April" seems to have shaken us both and left us a bit out of sorts, but also with some lessons to apply wisely. And Dracula illustrated by Gorey? I'm sooo jealous!

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  5. I got to hang out with one of my dearest friends on my birthday weekend (I don't see her that often since she moved out of state). We got to see a lovely show about Japan and wandered around Philly.

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    1. Now THAT is the kind of (not cruel at all) April I've always known. I'm so happy you had a great birthday!

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  6. I let go of a lifetime of guilt, anguish and heartbreak and started to repair that old relationship this April :)

    And right now hate little f too.....but it made that connection possible so.....

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    1. Healing in April. Sweet! Congrats and keep on going.

      It seems this love-hate relationship with Little f is a thing of masses. I wonder if he knows... ;-)

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  7. Little f *snort*. A classic love-hate relationship, or a maddening game of chess. We rack our brains with computing logic in attempts to work with, and in spite of, the constant changes. We devise a work-around, and Little f parries with a new torture. I believe that, too is part of the evil scheme to keep us logged-in and bombarded with Little f-favored content.

    It will never end, our addiction runs to the bloody bone, and Little f is the Puppet Master who controls the stash. I don't even think a 12-Step program would help.


    April was a nasty bitch,
    what more is there to say?
    Her evil weather, schemes and such
    Just made me lust for May.

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    1. I suspect that if we tried to battle the effect of Little f with a 12-Step program, he would have us doing 124 steps before we realized what was happening. The sneaky Little f-ing bastard, I tell ya!

      "made me lust for May," too!

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  8. I started out to post some pics for a friend out here that I had reconnected with. She had thought I was dead. I accidentally went to her parents house to do a job. Anyway, a year later, I had 7 friends. Then one day, a tiny bit later I had 2500 "friends", blame Mafia Wars. I did, however meet my wife as a result of one of the original 7. I'll keep FB. There are some great people that I talk to, or at least read, every day, present company included. Oh yeah, that 2500 is down to 310ish. If it weren't for y'all, I'd just dump the entire mess. Course, i also met my bftinmw, best friend that is not my wife, on fb, so i kind of owe it

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    1. That's the thing about Little f, he can be bad. And when he's bad, he's freaking awful. But when he's good... well, he puts you in contact with your wife. ;-D

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  9. Oh dear. I've only been with little F since last September (damn sod flirting with us all). But I have to be honest.... he's been a real net for me, to which I clung when my relationship broke down. It was fun catching up with people I hadn't spoken to since childhood and reminiscing over the good old days. But now that's done....and I'm over the ex....I too have thoughts of leaving...but I know it would be a mistake.

    Good things about April.....the sun finally came out after months of wind, rain, floods and darkness.

    Have a lovely weekend :)

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    1. He's a flirting scoundrel all right. But what can we do? Life isn't perfect... neither is social media, right?

      The sun after wind, rain, floods and darkness is something to celebrate. Hooray!

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  10. I soooooo understand! I resisted Little f for a very long time. Friends were playing games, prodding, prodding. Then, five years ago we moved when I did not want to. My body resisted. My back went out and I developed a respiratory infection that lasted for six months. I could not move without hacking out a lung. So there, between boxes stacked everywhere, listening to the ssshhh of the vaporizer, I succumbed. It was just a little farming game. I met folks from all over. Most of them sweet, quite a few very funny. I had a window to the world and it helped to start closing the door on the depression I was developing. Then, Little f started changing the rules. I tried to leave, settled for just selling the farm. I concentrated on moving my brick and mortar store to on line. Now, I had a legit reason to hang more with Little f. Very soon, though, I couldn't find my sweet, funny people in a timely manner. So, I filtered, then in desperation, I made lists. A list for family, a list for my location, a list for the people that I can't bear to miss a one of their posts (the list you are on, Magaly). This worked best for me. This April, I moved again. This is a better move, but the best thing? I have friends from Little f that live here and are planning to meet with me "for reals".

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    1. We've all found Little f because of our own reasons, but in the end with seem to stay for the same: the good people we find there (you are part of my list, too).

      Better moves rock!

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  11. I made a 'group' of all the people who I want to see in my newsfeed so if they aren't showing up I can still get all their posts by clicking on that group.

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    1. It seems the group/list bit is the best bet. I should've thought about that. Does the group get inundated with ads?

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    2. oops. not a 'group' but a new list under 'friends'. and no I don't get any ads but then I have an ad blocker app that takes care of that for me.

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    3. An ads blocking application? Now that's something worth having!

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  12. April, a month I love and hate. Birthday????????? A super surprise of love outpouring. Didn't expect that. THe weather came and ate my garden. I thought maybe it was because I had bragged about my intent to be innovative and straw bale gardening and that my boast had angered the weather gods. But then I pulled my huge girl panties up and realized it was my enthusiasm and quick to plant gene that had done me in. I've adjusted.
    Speaking of huge girl panties and making correct choices.....I have chosen to take control of my life. I now do not intake any caffeine (I know don't hate me cuz in C free), limiting my intake of salt, sugar and red meat and ya know what? I have a brain again. I'm not anxious anymore.....I'm back to my kick ass self. Hoping for big girl panties by end of summer, but who's to know.
    So April has been like little f, strange, strained and sometimes upsetting but hell that's small potatoes to living here at Casa de Cuckoo where the real melodrama just keeps playing night and day, if ya get my drift. Oma Linda

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    1. If reducing (or in this case eliminating) the C makes you healthier, well then I love the decision. I've reduced my intake to only one serving a day, and when my tooth was killing me I didn't drink coffee for about a week. I totally get it.

      Sorry about your glorious beds. But I'm sure your big girl panties and you will rescue spring and kindly suggest to the Weather Gods that they should, please, be minding their own business.

      April melodrama. Eliot knew it all along!

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  13. Mind reading again I see...Little f..ingf angers me, then delights me...hmm my Herstory is full of that!
    But for my mental health ( thread bare at best) change is a must.

    Something good about April?? Oh I surprised a new friend, I recieved a precious gift I won't be without! and joined Twitter! xoxoDebi

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    1. I think Little f's issues are a pandemic. He's a serious flirt. And I suspect we'll keep him for a while. Hold on to your mental health, if things get too loose, I have glue!

      Friends are awesome and surprises from them are a delight. And welcome to Twitter. I usually don't chirp much *grin* but it seems you've been pulling me in.

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  14. I prefer Twitter, but so many folks aren't on it. It can be hard to keep in touch that way. I do wish there was an alternative to FB. Surely someone could come up with something just as clever but more friendly?

    April was weird & wild, but I did get to go to a festival and sold quite a few of my herbal products, which makes me happy. It's something. Here's to a brighter, and easier, May!

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    1. Really? I thought everybody was on Twitter. I'm a terrible Twitter member. Sometimes I forget it exists. I've been trying to get better. Let's see what happens.

      I need to check out the festival and fairs. Maybe they'll make the summer an example for April 2015.

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  15. I can't tell you anything good about April. It is my least favourite. Cold, windy and wet when it should be warm, sprinkly and occasionally sunny. I really enjoyed reading about little f though. - but i read about it in May didn't I? I probably shouldn't have enjoyed it so much because I know you are having some distress about little f, but damn, Magaly, it was just so funny!! Did you ever read Stephen Kings "Cell"? I expect that is what will happened to all of us little d users one day. Some terrorist will send a message through that will scramble our brains. Hey- Maybe they already did. ??

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  16. Make that little f - or keep the d and make it little damn f! :)

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    1. I suspect the Little damn f has already infiltrating our brains. I'm glad you found this funny. It was meant to be. You know what they say, if you can't defeat it laugh at it until it runs away. ;-D

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  17. You don't quit Facebook. Facebook quits you...True Story. =)

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    1. I just read that in a Tony Montana voice. ;-D

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  18. Little F! LOL! I didn't know what you were talking about at first! I thought you were talking about a guy! LOL! Can you tell I am not on Facebook ;o) LOL!
    April??? The most yummiest part for me, was seeing Ray ;o) Yep ;o) I wanted to jump his bones! But, I didn't do nothing ;o) I was a good girl ;o) Still waiting to see what happens ;o)
    Hugs ;o)

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    1. You've escaped Little f! You lucky bird, lol!

      April has been made smiley by Ray. I'm happy for that!

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  19. Aww.. that was a touching story... really... I log in F very very rarely these days... U kind of grateful to it for one thing in my life - I met my husband there :)
    April... oh well... not much to say Magaly, about my April. Things are as they were, but it is also good. getting closer to the event of my life... :)
    Have a happy day!!!

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    1. I just smiled thinking about your Big Event! That will keep me smiling for some time. Yes, it will.

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  20. Traitor ;)
    Mine and little f's relationship was always pointless at best and stormy at worst. I haven't missed him for a minute since I dumped him over a year ago.

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    1. Cowardly traitor, me. *sigh* You are so strong. If he ever knocks on your door slap him hard for me. ;-D

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