When Tradition and Politeness Make No Sense to Me

I am so comfortably fixed in my own ways that every now and again I have a very difficult time seeing why other people act the way they do. And when I can’t understand the whys behind a situation, I try to find guidance in… well, all of you.

Yesterday afternoon, a friend approached me to discuss wedding reception arrangements.

“How are you dealing with the people you don’t like,” she said.

I stared at her, waiting for more information. When nothing came, I parroted, “Dealing with people I don’t like?”

“Where are you sitting them?” she said. “We’ve rented a reasonably big place.” She showed me a seating chart. “But regardless of where I put this person and that person, they are still in my line of vision. This should be a day for me and [husband-to-be]. I shouldn’t have to look at people who I can’t stand.” She broke into tears.

I didn’t say anything for a very long time… at first because I didn’t know how to comfort her, then because I was confused about the entire thing. After a while, and as gently as I could, I asked the question that had been dancing around my mind since the conversation started: “Why would you even consider inviting someone you dislike this much to your wedding? I’m sure you can tell your [husband-to-be] how you feel. He is an intelligent man, and he adores you, I’m sure he—”

“He hates them, too,” she began to cry again, “but we have to invite them. If we don’t, our families will be upset. People will talk. It’s what you do.”

We spoke for about two hours after that. By the end of the exchange, I was more confused than in the beginning: I found out that she hates her wedding colors (but they are a family tradition), her maid of honor is a family member she barely knows (but it just means so much to the family member in question) and the list goes on and on…

I told her that I didn’t think I could offer advice. Not because I didn’t think she had a problem, but because I could barely relate. I explained that I would have understood better, if it was a funeral—goodness forbid—or another important event that wasn’t centered around her and her fiancé. In this case, at least in my mind, the decisions should be made by them, especially when they are the ones paying for everything.

I asked her if I could blog about the issue, that many of you have lived longer than I have and have experienced life in different ways. She told me to go ahead, so here I am, my Wicked Luvs: have you been in this situation? If so, how did you deal with it? What do you recommend? 


P.S. Today, I was supposed to blog about how I’m feeling better and about how thankful I am for your healing wishes. But life happens, right? And we happen with it… Still, thanks a million for all the sweet energy, my Wicked Luvs. 

82 comments:

  1. keep praying to the Coffee Goddess and the Goddess of Chocolate and the Goddess of Wine
    and everything will be Fine

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    1. Coffee and chocolate does make the world a better place... at least for some of us. ;-D

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  2. Hmmm, maybe if I had ever been in the situation your friend finds herself in I might have a different response. But I'm not and never was. SO, here's my 2 cents even though it is much different that what she is going through.

    I've been married multiple times (yeah, we won't go there) and each time the wedding was all about me and my husband to be. There was none of this *gotta do this or the family will be upset* crap. Sorry. I firmly believe the day is all about the couple, not who may or may not have their feelings hurt. And especially IF the couple is paying for everything themselves.

    There is a relatively simple solution that is even accepted by Emily Post. Reduce the number on the guest list which will be a perfectly reasonable way to eliminate anyone you don't want to look up and see while you are celebrating your day. Send hugs to your friend and tell her she doesn't have to look back on her day and grimace because there were people she really didn't want to invite in attendance.

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    1. Reducing the number of guests sounds like a practical (and easier to put into practice) idea.

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  3. that was like a page out of my old book of my life......<3

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  4. That's a tough one. I know I've dealt with something similar before, with my wedding, my son's Bar Mitzavh and my daughters upcoming Bat Mitzvahs. For my wedding I had my heart set on something outdoors, but the twin powers of my mother and mother-in-law (one of the very few times in memory that they were in perfect agreement with each other) got me to cave and have it indoors. I can't say I'm broken up over it (it was a very cool wedding in general) and there was a light drizzle that turned into a full on storm by the end of the evening, but the arguing gave me headaches.

    As far as the unwelcome guest go, the way I'd handle it is plead broke. You have to keep your list small because you have a tight budget. If it means so much to your family to have pests along, *they* can pay for the price of their plates! I suppose if you really, really, hate those people, that's not much help, but I'd just be happy at least my money didn't go towards feeding them a nice meal.

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    1. Sometimes it's all about choosing the lesser of two evils... having your way or keeping your head from exploding.

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  5. My answer is very simple...elope, take the money and go to your dream destination!

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    1. That works too!

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    2. I agree! seriously agree!

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    3. I second (third?) this notion.

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  6. If you don't focus the wedding on your and your spouse to be you'll inevitably regret the day and wish you could have a do over. Of course even if you try to focus it on yourself you still get a bit too wrapped up in what you "should" do and lose track of what you want. I don't have much advice because for my wedding I did a few things the way family suggested I did a few trying to make things the way I wanted with some compromises and in the end it wasn't everything I wanted it to be.
    I also seem to have an annual fight with my family over my daughter's birthday. My grandmother wants it a certain way, and because having it her house works out best it ends up going that way. Despite my best efforts to regain control over the party every year I end up losing everything. Last year my daughter calls it her "disaster party," so much went wrong, and now I am researching other options. What is easy and cheap isn't working out so I need to find something different. I know it's not the same as a wedding, but sometimes to be happy you have to upset some family, but in the end they'll see that you just did what is best for you. If they love you enough they'll be ok with that.

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    1. I hope your daughter's party is less of a "disaster" this year. I hope it's something she likes and enjoys... *fingers crossed*

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  7. I really can't relate. If I seriously do not like someone, I have nothing to do with them. There really should be no need for compromise in traditional ceremonies such as weddings and things like colors and theme and keeping away hateful people should be up to the bride and groom. Now if they want a nude wedding or something a bit out there, then perhaps it is best to not invite family.

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    1. Rubye, you just made me roar. Maybe the solution to all this is to tell everyone the wedding will be in the nude, lol!

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  8. Haven't really been there. But my Dragon and I are facing this sort of dilemma if/when we actually decide to tie the proverbial knot.

    We have already chosen to make the day *ours* even if it means we only invite a handful of people. The last thing we want at a relationship event of this magnitude is to have the day marred by unpleasantness we could have avoided.

    Tell your friend not to make it a day they'll look back on with sadness and regret. It is THEIR day, celebrating THEIR love for EACH OTHER, and they should plan it accordingly.

    -Live, Love, and Make Art
    -the Artful White Fox

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    1. "Live, Love, and Make Art..." and have a wedding that makes you and your partner happy.

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  9. It's there day...no one elses.....I didn't invite anyone to my wedding...and everyone turned up. We didn't have money to feed people....but 300 turned up to wish us well.
    I would tell her to have the day she and hubby want. If friends and family truly love them they will be happy to be happy for them, regardless of "image". And I would tell my family members that were making me feel bad about not inviting people who would only be bringing negative energy to my day, to go have a party on their own with them. But I am old, hide like a rhino, and been with my husband for 31 years....
    What ever your friend decides to do, WE will be sending much love and blessings their way :D

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    1. Doh..."THEIR day"

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    2. Having a "hide like a rhino" definitely helps, especially later. I think that's one of the reasons why I can't quite relate, for if I were in the situation I would probably walk away while they were still talking. I know, terrible Witch.

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    3. I'd be walkin ( flying) with you!

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  10. ACK! That poor woman! She needs some steel in her spine and sugar in her voice but she needs to tell everyone to (politely) STEP OFF.

    In my fierce opinion on this she needs to put her foot down. It's HER and her partner's wedding. Not the family's wedding, Not the friend's wedding. HER's and HIS.

    If she hates the colors they need to be changed. Screw tradition. Tradition is only good for preserving if it MEANS something to you.

    If there are people she absolutely hates to the point of being in tears at the thought of them being at the wedding then they ARE NOT to be invited.

    Now,if someone was footing the bill for the event then naturally, they get some leeway on input, but I do not believe AT ALL that even then do they get to railroad over the bride and dictate how the wedding is going to be.

    ACK! This is a real hot button for me. (as may be obvious)

    Keep us posted, Magaly about what happens. Poor thing. I hope it works out for her.

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    1. I think many of us feel the "real hot button" bit with this topic... perhaps because it is so common, and the results are usually the same: people who sacrifice their happiness for the comfort of the greater good (of the family) end up regretting it. Let's hope this is not the case...

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  11. Damn. I forgot to add something.

    Perhaps she could check out Offbeat Bride's website? They have some fantastic postings about this very thing and how people handled it.

    It was an invaluable site to me while I was wedding stressing...*coughs* I mean...planning, wedding planning.

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  12. I am afraid I can't relate with your friend on this. Granted I am still young and no where near ready to get married so its not something I often think about. The times I have thought about it though there is always one dominate thought in the back of my head. When the time is right there will probably not be a wedding ceremony. Yep. I don't want a big fancy wedding at all, never have. I just want a day where it is just me and him and no one else. I don't want to worry about how everyone likes everything, what they think of my dress and decorations, who gets to be there, who sits at what table....

    My situation is probably different than most though. There are very very very few people I would actually want there. The majority of my family I wouldn't want within a 10 mile radius. It turns into one of those situations of... "Well if I invite this person then I HAVE to invite this person or else they will be offended." I also know a handful of them who would try to make big decisions and run the show which isn't what I am mostly about. So I think when the day comes we will likely just elope, spend our money on something fun and exciting. Then one day if we want to have a ceremony to invite close friends and family we will.

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    1. Keeping it small seems to simplify things, doesn't it?

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  13. I have to be brutallyy honest with you when I say.....I know that the majority of people put so much emphasis on "the wedding day" but I truly do not understand that notion. See I have a really big problem with that. It's not the day that should be important What should be the most important thing is the marriage. If you can't stand up to "the powers that be" and can live with the feelings you get from holding in your wishes then by all means sacrifice yourself on the altar of media/societial mores, otherwise if you must have the day your way in order to face your life with your spouse then speak up and accept whatever comes from that. But for goodness sake, sitting in a puddle of self doubt and bad feelings towards others and not living your truth isn't exactly the Karma one would want starting out a new endeavor as important as a joining of two people in matrimony. I know this sounds cruel but I don't suffer whiners very well. I also don't hold fence sitters in high esteem. Do your business or get off the pot. If you're big enough to wed....you should be big enough to show some gumption and not take a friends ear for misery basting. I feel for you Magaly.
    See now I look like a meanie but honestly, we as a society have been brainwashed into believing that the trappings of a wedding are the end all and be all....tell me that folks spend as much money on making their marriages work as they do on their dresses or flowers or the venue. I think not. And it is all a big show anyway either for family or ego.
    Hopefully your friend will be able to persevere and live through the maze of junk she has created for herself by not being authentic from the get go with others in her family/social group. I do hope she can find it in her heart to be true to her wishes but if not I don't wish her any malice. Dear friend of Magaly, grow a pair.

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    1. I love your brutality, um... brutal honesty. To tell you the truth, I told her that I wanted her to pay attention to things people like you, Ellen, Gina, Mina (when she gets here, lol) and many others who have been married for a long time (and are very happy) have to say. You and I share the same opinion, but you have decades of marriage to back it up. Sometimes a little brutal honesty is just the thing... and growing a pair helps. ;-)

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  14. I've been in this situation... twice. Some of it is a matter of fortitude. Some of it is, in its own dark way, a rite of passage - one we don't acknowledge as such. There is a point in adult hood where women especially must stand up to their families and assert their will in a way that is reasonable and sane. All too often, that moment comes when planning a wedding and then there's a double whammy: you don't just stand up to your own family, you also have to face the minefield that can be future in-laws.

    There's this chain of thought that has appeared from who-knows-where that the wedding is not really for the couple, but for their families. That may have been true when brides were traded for real estate (thus making it the "bride's day" since it was her last day as something other than real estate.) These days, however, since both people are presumed to come to the relationship voluntarily the wedding ideally should be a reflection of the lives they wish to blend together.

    On a subconscious level, there are a lot of parents and other elders that then get strange ideas about forcing you to blend together their idea of your future - and all too often that idea isn't great for you anyway.
    In my own case, at my first wedding my mother and sister did their best to shanghai it. When they didn't achieve total takeover, only managing to commandeer cake and catering, my sister resorted to having a tantrum in the middle of the ceremony and my mother then made the end of the evening when she should have been saying goodbye and giving me best wishes exhorting me to "make up" with my sister... even though my sister had misbehaved.

    Dysfunction is like that. It will look for any door it can grab.

    At my second wedding, the only reason my mother and sister were present is because my father had extracted a deathbed promise I would invite them. Having learned my lesson the first time and not wanting their negative energy all over my new marriage, I gave them a chance and the manipulations started early with my mother conjuring a fight that my sister was having by herself with me, without my participation. I finally laid it down for them and I think every bride and groom should take it as a motto: "This is my wedding. It is meant to be a day of happy memories for me. If you can't put my feelings before yours for this one occasion then you are welcome to stay home." My mother and sister were pouty but there was not nearly the drama I had had to deal with at my first wedding.

    My other advice? If it's too out of hand elope - you can do the big ceremony that somebody else is demanding if they're the ones paying for it. If you're paying for it yourself then it's just that time to put your foot down and name your boundaries.

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    1. I told her that I'm getting her a copy of your book, for her and her guy to read before getting married. Sometimes it's easy to see the future through the past of another...

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  15. Does she have relatives who are giving her no choice but to invite people she doesn't like? If so, I can relate to her.. I am assuming your friend is fairly young and its her first marriage... If she truly doesn't want certain people there she needs the backing of her soon to be hubby... Strength in numbers... they both need to be strong and bring this up to both parents... be tactful... On the other hand, I agree w/you.. Now that I am older, I would not invite anyone that I truly didn't like... or invite someone that I hadn';t communicated with in years no matter what the relationship is... When I was younger, I never spoke up and I was not happy.. years and experience makes one stand up .. In other words, you get tired of the uncomfortable situation and its the last straw that makes one speak up.

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    1. Mag, bottom line: ITS HER DAY, not her relatives day... If she doesn't want to confront maybe she and her fiance should elope! Nothing wrong w/that... Is he aware of her misery?

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    2. Your post title caught me... 'Politeness" isn't what it was for me, when I was in that situation as your friend- it was 'fear' of speaking my mind and being told that I was wrong.

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    3. Indeed, it should be a day for her and her partner and for those who choose to celebrate on their terms. And double yes, "politeness" can be often be camouflage for "fear" to speak one's mind. So difficult when the ones who say they love you cause you this much pain and stress; makes no sense to me...

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  16. Usually I would have said exactly what you'd expect me to say: It's their day, they should plan it however the hell they want! But since she already seems quite a ways into this whole thing I'm gonna be a bit more nuance-y:

    Often times a wedding is discussed at length with absolutely everyone, especially one's family, for up to two years before the event. During this time things have a tendency to sneak in and other things morph into different shapes. A friend in the periphery might get something like an invitation that you can't go back on, someone mistakes 'thinking about' a color scheme as having decided on it, decisions you once made start looking odd but the deposit is already put down.

    I think most people chose the path of least resistance when they have so many other things to think about, it's just too stressful to start changing things. Putting your foot down, challenging in-laws and uninviting people, you will inevitably strain or even lose relationships - and I think that for many people, upsettings others is the least favorable outcome of all.

    So it all comes down to which one is more important, which one is more worth the compromise/sacrifice? Is she ready to start living a truer life, with more honesty but also with more complications? Or is she ready to sacrifice her wedding, her sanity the time leading up to it and probably have regrets for some time after?

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    1. My lady, I think you've made a great point. Marriage is about sharing commitment, but it is also a rite a passage. Growing up involves leaving some of our old fears behind, maybe this is a time for serious decisions about who she wants to be...

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  17. Speaking as the veteran of two weddings, I can say from experience that this lady is setting a very dangerous precedent. If she allows this much interference at her wedding, she may as well invite her family to run her household and raise any future children. The worst part of it is that she is footing the bill. Like BB King said, "I pay the bills to be the boss." My first mother in law tried to pull the "family obligation' card on me. I reminded her that I wasn't obligated to even marry her son, let alone invite a bunch of people whose kindest word for me was "spic." However, if she was willing to pay the cost and didn't mind me having them seated in reception hall Siberia, I'd play along. And yet, not after all this time, I think it was a mistake. At my second wedding, with exception of my mother in law, there was no one who didn't love me and who I didn't at least like back. The energy was completely different. And let my in-laws know that there was only one sheriff in this bridal town. Your friend needs to Marine-up and put her foot down. Otherwise this is just the first of many comprises that will color the rest of her life. Remind her that the happiest word, in any language, is no.

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    1. I lost it a "seated in reception hall Siberia," lol!

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  18. I'm with Linda W. I can't fathom the need to be in debt from having a large wedding, full of people you don't like & things you don't want, in order to start married life off on the right foot. That being said, who pays the bill, gets to set how large the guest list is. If your friend & her fiancé don't like certain people, beg off. If 'family' doesn't like this, then my question to *them* is: since when did this wedding become status & not about celebrating a joyous occasion? For myself, civil ceremony in town hall followed by a large part afterwards (family friendly) is the way I would go. That way, the bride/groom will be full of relief (wedding performance is over), food, & drink...so much so that the presence of those not entirely welcome will not be paid any mind to.

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    1. This sounds like the back story to a very long nightmare, doesn't it?

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  19. I can definitely relate. She sounds like a younger version of me. I was a people pleaser. I did everything I could to make other people happy. I realized one day that I was miserable and asked myself why that was. It's because I am naturally a giving person, which in and of itself is not a bad thing. It's only bad when you give too much. Don't give your happiness away! This is her and her fiance's day. So IMO she should shit can every plan she has and re-plan her wedding the way the couple wants! Oh and those people they hate would get a nice, but firm message from me stating they are uninvited.

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    1. My dear friend graduated with all honors from People Pleaser Academy, and I think those who know this and don't quite care about her wishes take advantage of it. It's... enraging...

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  20. Your friend sounds like she is worried about what others think. It is her day and she should do what she wants. Not what her family wants. They are not marrying her man and getting up with him every morning. She is. If I was her I would scratch everything and start over and do the colors she wants and invite the people she wants. If we cared what others think then we all would be going crazy. I sure don't care what others think. I only need to care what I like and what I think. She should feel the same.

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    1. I was telling my Piano Man that I'm very glad to be a freakishly awesome person. I have no idea what kind of life I would be able to lead if I care about what other people say. I also try to imagine the kind of life led by does who do care, and I feel really bad for them... really, really bad...

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  21. Why on earth would you have some one as Maid of Honour you barely know? I might be wrong but I always thought that belonged to the person who meant the most to the bride, and that person helps the bride plan stuff, get ready for the big day etc. I would tell this family member that the role is for some one who means something to the bride. And the rest of it? If the thought of your wedding day makes you cry you need to seriously reevaluate what is going on. I would tell her that its her day, she's getting married not her family so do what the hell she wants, everyone else be damned.

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    1. Tradition is a great thing, and so is family, but I'm with you... if the thought of what it takes to make others happy makes you miserable, maybe it's time to rethink things.

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  22. On my 3rd marriage, I had the same disorder. Not my side, as most are deceased, but my husbands , mother, and sister not big fans of me...( we have known each other for 10 yrs and all the junk). My husband decided only us, my sister/ husband, my son gave me away...yet again! my daughter in law and my daughter and partner...Yes there was the initial pissyness, but they where secretly happy not to perform and we had a nice day.
    If there is this much turmoil now! when everything should be fabulous! I think they both either, elope or discuss what is really going on. Family is a problem until you start out living them all.
    XoxoDebi

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    1. I shall tell my friend "Take this comment and read it twice." Yes, I will.

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    2. I was the first one to rebuk " I'm not marrying his family" Unfortunatey the discontent is like cancer and quietly eats away....
      We are our family....the good and the bad...the differences do divide...in time.
      Oh and there are educated stats to back me up now...no ..back up the old wives! xoxo

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  23. Too much parental control, c'mon, really? Traditional colors? They should elope and then have a reception with the cake and all that they pay for. It's probably too late for the wedding but she needs to put her foot down sooner rather than later and quit letting them control her life. It's OK to stand up to your parents.

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    1. People are always saying that putting one's own happiness in front of the happiness of others is selfish. I'm with you, I think the selfishness is found in those who expect a person to sacrifice their happiness for the comfort of someone who claims to love them. Parents such know better. It's sad that every now and then (okay, probably more often than that) we need to dig in our heels and tell them no.

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  24. I've been thinking about this very situation over the last couple of days. As I'm packing up my home for a move, I've been coming across my wedding photos, and they fill me with all sorts of emotions. I was only 22 when I got married and many years later, I'm still happily married. I knew I was making the right decision about marriage. The wedding on the other hand... *sigh*

    I tried to make it my own in the beginning, but others take over, compromises start happening, and before you know it, it's a monster with a life of its own. I just didn't have the courage then to put my foot down and do it my own way. I look at the photos and see extended family members who are now estranged, friends who drifted away, and a thousand things I would have done differently. If I could go back in time, I would definitely marry the same man, but I'd make it as low-key as possible. I think there's way too much emphasis these days on dresses, diamond rings, cars, flowers, guest lists and seating arrangements, and not enough on making a commitment to a special person. I really look back and think so much money wasted on pomp and ceremony, and meaningless etiquette. :/

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    1. I just discussed your comment with my Piano Man. You and your husband are happy and have been for many years, and the fact that you look at things and wish you could have done this and this differently (perhaps have spent less) is a lesson for those of us who are still considering things. I believe in learning by doing, but it is also intelligent to learn lessons from those who have done.

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  25. It is not bad to follow traditions, but it also makes my head ache when there are too many formalities in them which make your life more difficult. In India traditions and rituals play and important role in family life... I sill cannot coop with that. I like freedom, my husband too, so we faced and facing troubles every time in such situations. We see if can somehow stay away, or not to follow all of these... Just yesterday we went to my sister-in-law's friend's wedding. We initially didn't want as we don't the girl that much... but we went. And got so bored there and were just sitting and eating... I dislike such celebrations, where you are a passive participant, i don't like to be that guest who come to eat... But... I think that your friend shall discuss it all with her would be husband and they both can try to talk to parents. Oh, it is easy to advise, but I hope she finds the way out.

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    1. Giving advice and seeing things in retrospect is much easier, indeed. If only we had a time machine, huh? The kind of silliness we would avoid... For now, we can probably learn from those around us, and follow our gut feelings. Sorry you were bored, I've been there and it isn't fun.

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  26. Oh my, this is terrible, I guess I can't relate because there is no way on earth I would ask someone we didn't like, to a happy celebration of commitment and be witness to the legal bonding of me and my soul mate... Hence Big F and my marriage in a New Orleans courthouse... We didn't even have a ring, we wore jeans, jumpers and I had my leopard skin doc Martin boots I had tramped about Europe and NY in...
    Ok I have just erased a rant because it may have been a little, well, nasty about how superficial all the pomp and crap that goes with this marketing exercise is... Spend, spend, spend, invite and feed the people you don't like, put on fake smiles and hug the people you loath... Just, sorry, couldn't do it, don't have enough faces to pull it off... By the way, 20th anniversary a while ago, we took a picnic and had it at the beach with our girls and Milo our wonder dog... Been together 26 years... Really, like Oma's comment, maybe they should grow a pair because who gives a sh$t what people say or think, it's 2 people who love each other making a commitment, they really don't have to turn something beautiful into a show and tell for people they can't even stand, and I guess if they really don't have the courage to not invite these people they can't bear to look at, well, well I guess they will just have to suck it up, sadly. Just remember, tell her it is her and her man who have to look after each other and stand united, this is just one of the things they need to solve together, if it isn't making either of them happy, if they really are distressed by it, they shouldn't be making each other accept it, that is, unless they want to make this person a huge part of their life in the future? They deserve a happy day and don't want to look back in the future on this day and realise it was spoilt because neither of them thought more about making it nicer for each other, instead making sure they were accommodating others that that they feel it more important to please.

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    1. "hugging people you loath" I think I will make this into a mantra... for her and her fiancé: "I will not hug people I loath" or something like that. If that thought makes them cringe as strongly as it makes me, then the problem might be solved.

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    1. Screens or blindfolds? I mean, I've been to a few weddings...I can get behind this as a standing rule, Rhissanna.

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    2. I can see a whole pinterest board (you're a man, so you probably won't know what pinterest is, sorry.) dedicated to wedding blindfolds, in colours and themes to suit the wedding. You could get personalised ones, with the names and date printed on, and a cheesy silhouette of the happy couple. Take them home as a memento.

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    3. The mental image of blindfolds puts me in mind of midnight masquerades and caped parties. Then again it might be the cold medicine talking.

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    4. *Looks innocent* What else would a blindfold be for, but midnight masquerades and caped parties? Bring Batman.

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    5. Batman must come. *grins*

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  28. Honestly, I am not sure. With some people (especially relatives) it might be a case of letting them come on the day or never hearing the end of it for the rest of your life. I think this is why some people elope or do the whole 'we can only invite a few people because our costs are limited' thing. I think some of my cousins got married with just mother and father there (not to avoid people, but to avoid cost, as far as I am aware) but it could be a good excuse. In the end, it ought to be meaningful to the couple though, or what is the point?

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    1. Your second sentence gives me pause... and reminds me how self-centered (and not to mad about it) I can be. You see, I don't think I would care much about the feelings of someone who puts their feelings ahead of mine when we are speaking about something that it should be all about me and my partner. See why I said that I can't quite relate? I guess I'm not very nice. Honestly, if they are that way, I would probably let them talk until their tongues fall out. But that's me, so it's easy to say it... not so easy when one cares about the opinions of the maybe-future-talkers... such a mess. *sigh*

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  29. This is why I plan to marry for Money... Lots of it. I'll be having my ceremony in Las Vegas with Elvis and other drunk couples just like marriage is intended! To be serious (Something I try to avoid...) You should only care about another person's opinion in the same proportion they care about YOURS. Even children know the Golden Rule. Though might I suggest putting bees in the bouquet? *flutters lashes* No?

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    1. Bees. I want bees. And SunshineShelle will tell you that ceremonies with drunken Elvis are quite awesome. ;-D

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  30. My Honey and I are planning our wedding. It will be awesome, we have decided to handle it a different way. Wedding on one day, with the ceremony and a time limit of 15 minutes also a very small gathering. The next day the reception/party. With what we have planned (tables for gaming, buffet, archery range, boffer wars) if there are people who are there that we do not like they will be to busy to have to deal with them.

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    1. As long as it works for you guys. That's what matters, right. Hm... archery around people we don't like. Imagine the accidents *cough*

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  31. This wedding should be about the bride and groom ;o) A day they will remember forever! I think they should just elope ;o) I wish them all the best ;o)

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    1. If this was a poll, their bags would be already pack for eloping, lol!

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  32. The story of my wedding (to my idiot ex husband) is a rather long, painful one. But, we dealt with a lot of that same kind of thing. Me being told what dress I would wear, what veil I would wear, who was allowed and not allowed to attend. I'm sure it won't surprise anyone to learn that when I married my second husband, I was having absolutely NONE of any of that. In fact, I didn't invite one person to my wedding to him. Partly, because we both just think that whole big wedding this is nonsense and partly because I just didn't want any of their toxic butts in seats at my second marriage.

    We got married at the JP here in our little hole of Texas and we were 100% satisfied with that. It's hard to look back on things you wish you would have done in the past, like wishing I would have stood up to those people back then.

    This whole story makes me want to elope FOR THEM.

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    1. The idea of someone deciding everything for two grownups who are about to start a life together is a bit scary. Families can be quite nuts.

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    2. I've read a whole lot of horror stories about people's weddings lately. I feel sad for anyone who's got that sort of thing going on.

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    3. I try to imagine why people put themselves through the ordeal--the madness of doing everything to please others, not the wedding--and then I stop. It's infuriating to think about even when it's happening to someone else.

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  33. I feel for your friend. Is her family paying for part of the wedding? I feel like that can be used as pressure from the family to have a say on who gets invited. That's partly why when we got married we insisted on paying for it ourselves and then that was a good excuse to insist on making it small. When our parents said they wanted to gift us money to help anyway, we told them it was allocated for the honeymoon, not the wedding. Really my husband and I are pretty shy and the idea of a lot of people and us as the center of attention freaked us out. Of course none of that stopped both sets of parents wanting to invite their friends (that we've never met!) and constantly asking us if we could also invite so-and-so and we both firmly said no. It was stressful to say no, but I don't regret being able to invite the people I most cared about and was most comfortable being around.

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    1. The couple is paying. But she really hates making people upset. She has always being like that. And I think some people take advantage...

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