Peekaboo with Passion… and Dreams

I’m expecting this week will be a tough one for me. The closer it gets to the first anniversary of my little brother’s death—Feb 28th—the more I think about the fact that he’s gone. He has been in my dreams often, usually wearing horrendously gaudy clothes and his legendary one million watts smile. I like those night travels… even if they leave me teary-eyed.  

I haven’t allowed myself to sink into a deep funk. I mean, I’ve cried, gotten angry, felt helpless, muttered (and screamed) more than a few colorful curses—grieving is healthy. And if you’ve lost someone really close to you, then you know that little pain-monster never really goes away. It changes, we get used to it, we might even start welcoming it; but no, it never leaves us completely. That’s okay—to hurt and to miss after we’ve lost a bit of our hearts—for how else would we know that we are still human animals?

When things get extra tough, when my heart aches and my eyes boil out the tears, I rejoice in the amazing gifts the universe puts in front of me: a Father who sings, Piano Man who adores me, a Boy with a heart so big that I’m not quite sure how it fits in his chest, a Little Princess who is wicked smart and whose peculiar sense of humor keeps me roaring at odd moments, friends who get me, and there is always peekaboo with my passion fruit plant.

Look at her. She looks like she’s hiding, doesn’t she?
She’s a pretty one. And resilient; she almost perished while I was on vacation…
…but she held on. She is really good at not falling. Look at that grip!

Writing helps me stay strong, too. I’ve written many pieces like “Stones, Echoes, Skulls” these last few weeks. I will share some, but most will be for me; to share with the memory of my little brother; to remind his essence that he’ll never be forgotten… especially if he continues to show up in my dreams wearing all that awful orange, that ugly white watch, and that ever-living grin.

36 comments:

  1. My heart breaks for your loss, Magaly. I wish I could give you a real squeeze, but instead I'm sending virtual hugs and best wishes across the planet to you. ❤

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    1. I'm hugging you back and smiling. Thank you, Emma.

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  2. Yes you are right, grieving is very important, you have to let it run its course. I hope your pain lessens soon but don't try and force it to go away. It is good to remember all your other blessings, though.

    That plant is adorable, I love its twisty little hands!

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    1. I knew a lady that used to say, "Live happens and death, too. In between there is grief and living, one doesn't come without the other." I believe her. And I think it will be okay. Thank you for the blessings.

      And I love the passion fruit, too. Since I took these pictures, she has wrapped herself around that pole twice more. ;-D

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  3. My heart is broken for you because as I read this, I feel every ache of the pain your experiencing. I'm sending you love and healing and I'm lighting candles for your beautiful brother and visualizing the two of us sat on a rock face over looking the a wooded area, talking, drinking hot coffee and sharing stories. One day I will be there to do that with for real- until then you are in my thoughts xxxxx Sending you so much love my darling girl xxx

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    1. I welcome the light... and the coffee... and most of all the talk. I've missed you, my Pixie. ♥

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  4. I'm still so sorry for you loss. The first year without him is coming full circle. You are right, grieving needs to do what it needs to do, there's no way around it, and the loss will always be with you in different ways. I hope this week won't be too hard on you.
    Lots of hugs.

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    1. Life doesn't care for shortcuts, does she? I, too, hope these days are not as tough as they feel...

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  5. Keep writing, I am sure your bro is watching over you.... I know writing helped me whenever I hit that hurdle..

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    1. My productivity has tripped these last few days. So weird the way these things work, isn't it? Maybe it's him putting ideas in my head, lol.

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  6. My new virtual friend! Being remembered is the best honor for those who have left us. You honor yours brilliantly! huge hug....xoDebi

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    1. I shall keep him and honor him for as long as there is memory to be had, then!

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  7. Anniversary dates are always tough. Sending you lotsa hugs this week.

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  8. When we loose someone that we truly love in the physical realm it is such a shock to our reality. I'm happy for you that you have visitations in the dream realm even if they are in strange colors. That connection cannot be broken but sometimes it makes the lose even more poignant. I too dream of my brother and see him there in my dreams and when I wake I miss him so very much. Wrapping you up in love from me to help with this upcoming anniversary. S&S Oma Linda

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  9. My heart goes out to you dear Magaly, I'm deeply sorry for your loss.
    You hide your broken heart well, behind your beautiful smile.
    I'm sending you hugs from my little corner of Wales xx

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    1. I'm such an ugly crier when I frown. And as full-of-herself Aries, my Self must always look good, hence the smiles... I also have very humorous friends. ;-)

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  10. "Grief is the price we pay for Love", as the Queen said. You feel this because you love him, love him right now. And he deserved to be loved and he deserves to be remembered and mourned. I'll be thinking of you and how your love and delight in your brother's memory shines through your pain. You're very wonderful and you're very brave.

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  11. Magaly, Big Hugs! Your brother is sending you wonderful smiles ;o) Smile back and shed some tears! You both are wonderful souls! Much love! xoxoxoo

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    1. I bet he is. He probably got a bunch of the departed, sat them in a circle, and is telling them, "Watch how important and totally awesome I still am." He always liked to be the center of everything. I'm pretty sure who has taken over of some part of the Summerlands already. ;-)

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  12. I had to laugh at your brother's clothes. I'm sure I would have loved him! Wearing new clothes is a way they tell us that they have put on a new life, they've 'recovered'.... Anyway, the year milestone is an important one Magaly. I'll be thinking about you all day on the 28th.

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    1. I laughed at them in life and he would strut like a grinning peacock and make me laugh. Maybe that's the reason why he visits my dreams in such a fashion. Also, if he dressed in anything sensible, I would probably not recognize him, lol.

      Thanks for the thought, Francie.

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  13. I remember last year when you told us here about your loss. It was shock for all of us too, and more, to know that someone we love and value is suffering made me sad too. I told about to my D, I also wanted to share your pain more, so it subsides a little... But we all know one good thing about you - you are strong. Take care, dear Magaly! Sending hugs and blessings!

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    1. Thank you, Anna. Thanks you so very much. This means a lot to me.

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  14. I remember when you told us of your loss .......is it really a year? I wish I could take some of your pain and bear it for you but you are right - grieving is both necessary and healthy. I'm glad your little brother is still with you in your dreams (prob in orange just to vex you!!) and he will always be in your heart. Treat yourself tenderly this week Magaly - let your words flow onto the page and cocoon you in their whispers and amongst your tears may you know the love that surrounds you both near and far........hugs x x.......

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    1. I swear that when I read "in orange to vex you" I saw him grinning on the back of my mind, lol. He would totally do that!

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  15. Dream visits are such sweet reminders that our loved ones are still close by... I will be thinking of you on the 28th and I hope your memories will bring you comfort and smiles.

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    1. Thank you so much, Beverly.

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  16. I've had dream visits from my dearest friend who passed 3 years ago and 2 of my cats. But never from my family as we weren't close I'm sad to say.

    I'll be thinking of you on the 28th and sending positive thoughts your way!

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    1. Strange, the world of dreams... and still so close to the wake one.

      Thanks for the thoughts!

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  17. How precious that your brother comes to visit and you know he is still with you.I love your post and your words. You convey all the emotions that really are okay, no matter how long. Blessings and hugs to you Magaly!

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    1. I think those we love claim a place in our hearts (and brain) that is never taken by another. I have the feeling he'll visit me always, and I like thinking that. I

      Thank you for the blessings.

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  18. I think dream visits are actually visits, I bet your brother still tells you things he needs to say, maybe he speaks, or maybe just grins to tell you he is ok, happy, his life force still slipping into your dreamworld to comfort you with his beaming smile x

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    1. I think so, too. And knowing him like I did, I'm pretty sure that if he gets any chance to stop by and grin, he wouldn't miss it for the world. ;-)

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