A Mildly Irresponsible Angel with a Wicked Grin

Since my little brother died, I often find myself praying to him… then I wonder if he’s listening and laughing at me. You see, I loved my little brother with all my heart—he was wild, his own man, laughed without apologizing for being happy, he made his life count… But anyone who knew him in life, me included, must admit that he wasn’t the most responsible of individuals.

He was forgetful (sometimes on purpose) and loved practical jokes. Yet, if someone needed help or anything my little brother could offer, he would give it. Many times without thinking about how the favors would affect his future. He was a genuine young man who lived one day at a time. While I was going through his paper work, I found so many traffic tickets—some paid, others pending—that at first I didn’t even know how to react. After a while I just began to sigh a lot. You did like to go fast, mi Gordis (little fatty, a term of endearment).

My little brother wasn’t a responsible driver. He used to scare my big brother to death. My dad would yell at him about his speed. I would outright refuse to ride while he was at the wheel… Last year, on February 28th, after he lost his life in a car accident, more than one person said, “If he had only listened.”

I didn’t repeat the words, not right away, but I thought them… And every time I found a traffic ticket in his paperwork, I chastised him… his memory, I guess. In my moments of raw grief, I’ve called him selfish, reckless, inconsiderate… But then I smile, and usually say, “I’m happy you lived… even if it was too fast.”

I’m way beyond the anger stage of my grief, so I no longer call him names while in rage. Now that the pain is taking the shape of something I can manage and understand a little better, I speak to my little brother in prayer. When I see people driving like lunatics, I pray he would watch them. Wrap your wings around them, mi Gordis, keep them safe so they can get home to those who would miss them the way I miss you.

Then I cackle because I picture my little brother as an angel: in the dashing orange suit he wears when visiting my dreams, with enormous wings, and a grin that promises miracles and mischief.

I pray his essence is now watchful protection over those who enjoy going too fast…

My little brother always nagged at me about dressing up. “Dress like a girl, Flaca (slim),” he would say. “Get your hair done. Go out dancing before you die of old age and boredom.” 

At the moment, I’m not in the mood for dressing up, but I figured I could do my toenails and wear nice shoes to make mi Gordis grin for a bit. You are remembered, Gregory Guerrero. Always… Always… Always…

Edited on March 3, 2014
I replied to your comments with one post, a poem of your words: “Don’t Tell… but Live Every Bit of It.” It is likely that I will come back to this many times, to let your words remind me of the important things. Thank you, my Wicked Luvs. Thanks so very much for being you.

47 comments:

  1. Your brother had the right attitude... Bet he lived in the moment? I think praying/prayers are for the living... and yes, your brother is probably shaking his head and saying ' get on w/it'..... I know my husband would not want me to live my life mourning him.. he would want me to get on w/my life... sure there is a mourning period but after that---..... mine lasted about 4 years... you will know when yours has lifted... I knew when mine did and I knew it was ok to start living again...I was interested in doing my nails again, shopping for clothes, cooking, reading and not just existing.

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    1. I'm pretty sure that there was a picture of him under "lived in the moment," lol.

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  2. I remember the words my friend wanted spoken at his funeral, "It's OK. I laughed a lot." I think your brother might say the same thing and hope his sister laughs a lot too in his memory, even if that laughter is bittersweet for a long time to come. *hug*

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    1. And laugh the rest of us shall...

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  3. I'm choked. I understand. You honor his memory beautifully. Love your polish, shiny shoes and loving heart. xoDebi

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  4. Thought of you last night as I went to sleep. Also thought of how we, the ones left behind, have to learn to "manage" when we are missing a part of our hearts.I'm sure that I don't have the answers for you, only you do.I will just send you my love and celebrate your brothers life with you on this day. Be well my dear. Oma Linda

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    1. This managing bit can be quite ruthless. But we are strong, right? And we live...

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  5. I really enjoyed reading this reminiscence, full of joy and pain. I too drive too fast, so I feel an extra twinge. I hope this weekend is ok on you.

    I also really like your black toes and silver shoes. I have some silver heel shoes at home that never get to see any action. Maybe I have been treating them unfairly?

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    1. I think you've been treating them unfairly, indeed. Particularly when I think about all the purple you own; silver and purple looks so nice together.

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  6. A beautiful post in which I can see so much of your brother in you.........the wildness......the laughter.........living each day as it comes............Through your words, I can so feel the connection you both obviously had. As for painting toes and the wearing of sparkly silver shoes - a fine idea indeed! *~*~ Take care *~*~

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    1. I like that thought, and the imagery. So I'll keep it. ;-)

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  7. I'm weeping for your loss, but happy that you've found a way to cope, remembering such fond memories of your handsome brother. As I read this, I pictured the wonderfully happy and smiling photograph you posted of him on Facebook. Then I pictured him with wings that wrapped around his big sister....that made me smile.

    I bet he loves your painted toes and sparkly shoes :) x

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    1. I'm grinning like a loon, right now. The idea of huge wings around me, and my little brother telling me that I was only the bigger one in years, lol! He always said that he was the big brother...

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  8. I know I said many words.. others said too. It is just... it is easier to share such grief and sadness with others, like you do. I am glad though that today you grief with those beautiful shoes on your feet and awesome nail paint! I hope his wife and daughter also feel a little better after a year has passed by...
    May your brother be happy and content in Heaven.And smile there even more.

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    1. I listened to the song you sent me so many times that I can't remember just how many. Thank you. Thank you so much.

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  9. Yur words make me smile and cry at the same time <3 XXX

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    1. Thank you for the company...

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  10. Thinking of you today, Magaly, with hugs and kisses.

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    1. I welcomed those and held on...

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  11. I have written and deleted my words, because I really want to send a feeling, not words, to embrace you with a warm caring hug from a friend on your brothers aniversary. Thinking of you.

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    1. I'm happy to know that I'm not the only one who does that. Write a comment that is more like a small manifesto, and then delete it because it doesn't feel right...

      I feel the hugs and the warmth...

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  12. Have had you and your brother on my mind all week, the two of you remind me of me and my baby brother. I will be keeping you both with me this week and in honor of your brother I shall light a candle and smile wickedly.

    Hugs to you Magaly

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    1. Thank you so much, Ash. Wicked smiles are the best! ;-D

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  13. When I read your words, I think this would've been him as a Dad ;) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jk0PG7BzrY8

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    1. Right on! It made me giggle... and cry a bit.

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  14. I love the way you speak of your brother. It is very clear that he is still ever present in your life influencing you when need be. I would hug you if I could. Your toes look lovely and I think the shoes were just the right touch. Sending all my love and warm thoughts.

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    1. He'll always be... for as long as we can remember him...

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  15. I thought about you today and then when I came here, was tickled by your painted toes and the thoughtful, celebratory words. When I read them, I wanted to celebrate you; your courage, your strength and your huge red wild heart, Magaly. Your love shines through every word you write about your brother and you keep his memory bright and strong.

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    1. "your huge red wild heart" I might have to write that one. Unless you write it first...

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  16. Your brother still lives, Magaly. In you, and in every, every thing that brings him to the minds of those who loved him

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  17. They are totally beautiful, For sure he approve!

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  18. This is such a beautiful, bittersweet post and I know each time you bare your soul it takes raw guts and courage. You are such a strong and wise woman, my Magaly, and I know the vibrancy of your little brother's soul engulfs you with love. And honey, you are rocking those shoes and that toenail polish. Sex appeal at it's finest. Brightest blessings and healing hugs. Mina

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    1. Thank you for the healing. And for seeing what's there...

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  19. Magaly, you were in my thoughts yesterday! I think this is such a beautiful post! I know your brother is smiling! Your shoes and painted toe nails are hot! Big Hugs ;o)

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    1. It must be mutual, you were in my mind today. I was sitting in bed, writing, when a crow came and landed by the window. It just stared at me. And as you know, I can't see crows without thinking of you.

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    2. You've put the biggest smile on my face ;o) xoxoxo

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  20. I can tell you love him very much.

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  21. Your little brother sounds like a wonderful person.

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    1. He was a darling. Probably still is... somewhere...

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  22. I've been avoiding reading this post for almost two weeks. Thank you for sharing your love and your grief. It's beautiful. I still deal with the anger, but it's nice to know it won't last forever.

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    1. I have bursts of anger every now and then. March 10th was his birthday... not an easy day. And other issues were attached to it, so a very tough that. But yes, the pain changes... slowly.

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