I’m Waiting for Daisies to Bloom Out of My Stretch Marks

I was going to blog about my trip and announce the winner of the surprise gift, but I suck at blogging on command… especially when something else is occupying my mind. So I will tell you all about the Witch and the Piano Man gone wild, and select a winner, on my next post. Right now, I want to share a bit about my friend, Y, and the worthless pile of dung she just divorced. The toxic-heap-of-manure in question felt the need to yell (in front of a group of my friend’s coworkers) that no one is ever going to want her because “her butt is disfigured with stretch marks.”

The insult was no biggie, but the invasion of privacy and the betrayal hurt Y’s feelings… and made her a little nervous. She was married to crap-for-brains for nearly fifteen years—separated for the last three(thank goodness!). Now, she is thirty-five and somewhat worried about dating again.

A few months ago, I would have tried to comfort my friend by saying, “I’ve had stretch marks since I was thirteen. They have never affected my love live. You’ll be fine, too.” But a young lady—Ms Misantropia *cough, cough, cough*— taught me a few things about myself and about how to relate to other people: just because I couldn’t care less about what a jerkwad might think about me, it doesn’t mean that the worthless worm’s opinion won’t affect my friend’s self-views.

I’m a good student, so I’m approaching this issue differently. In a way that has worked in past: the Confess and Share method. I’ve already done it, but here it is again: my name is Magaly Guerrero and my stretch marks have never come between my frolicking and me *cackles witchy style*. And I would mentally spit in the eye of a piece of rotten bastard who might try to make me feel bad about my luscious lady lumps having a scar or three.

I believe—and I could be wrong, but I doubt I am—that the skin of most people over thirty has been kissed by life’s lips a time or thirteen. Like trees, our bark of flesh shows the Turning of the Wheel (storms, giving birth, physical and mental exertion, betrayal, metaphorical and factual fires, growth…). We might not always love the kisses and caresses of Nature… Every now and again we might even glare at them… But without the marks, we probably wouldn’t be who we are.  

So, my Wicked Luvs, would you care to share a bit of life-wisdom with Y? Let’s talk about marks… about dating after thirty… about (the courage!) and the freedom of leaving an abusive relationship… about reclaiming our selves… about life and living… and about the symbols such adventures brand on our skins and souls.

One day, daisies will
bloom out of my stretch marks.
Then I’ll claim a fabulously
“Big Flowery Butt…” like Gina’s.
*magnificently scandalous cackles*
Snatched from my Daydream Believer ;-)

66 comments:

  1. I usually say I've earned my stripes. Stretch marks, scars etc. I've had stretchmarks since my early teens, and I have quite a few surgery scars. Guys (with a brain) don't give a damn. I'm not dating, but I know that anyway.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Indeed, I think heart and common sense make a huge difference with it comes to this things.

      Delete
  2. I'm not the computerized, airbrushed dream of the American male or female for that matter, but I fully believe that there is someone out there ALWAYS who sees us exactly as we really are. They see our body yes, but they will also see our heart and soul as well. I found someone who saw the best of me, and the worst, and fell in love with all of me. The same can and will happen for her, she is beautiful, the betrayal was terrible, and was an attempt to shame her. I would say hold your head, up high, you are so much more than he tried to make you, you are so much more than you even know at this moment, and somewhere in the future you cannot see yet, there will be someone with eyes who can see the blessing and beauty that you are from head to toe, bone to soul.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree, to try to be the reality of the mythological standards for beauty our society has created would be nearly impossible. Or at least impossible while staying a human being.

      Delete
  3. Hell. my stretchmarks have their own stretchmarks.

    You, Magaly, are a fierce and wonderful friend.

    Y''s ex's words did not prove her worth, it proved his.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Happy you are back! yippy! Seriously.....what marks.....blinded by tattooed beauty and striped tissue.....
    Not much for advice...authority on what Not! To do, but your future is bright as the shiny smile of your very special friend! miss Y....you are in your prime of life....key word...YOUR! Chin UP! CHest Out ! Shine On!
    xoxoDebi

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm happy to be back, too. I missed my Wicked Darlings!

      Chin up and chest out! You remind me of my old librarian, who would always remind me not to slouch, and to face the world with my spine straight and my fit firmly on the grown... until it's time to fly.

      Delete
    2. Um, that's "ground," by the way. LOL

      Delete
  5. Dating in your 30s.... I can honestly say that I was about 34 when I swore off dating forever. I was divorced from what I still call to this day one of the most evil men walking the face of this planet and had 3 very determined teenage boys. I decided to turn inward and work on loving myself more. I went on about my life very merrily until one day at around age 36 this man showed up totally unexpected. Not the usual type I would date. Very kind and seemed to be interested in what I had to SAY not what I looked like or what I would or could do for him. All alarms and bells were going off telling me that I was not going to date or have an interest in men. I had been fine on my own, but something else kept telling me to take the time to know this man. He was different. I have been with that man now for the last 10 years and they have been an amazing journey of years let me tell you! Hold your head up Y, and be proud of YOU! Be proud of who you are and what you have overcome! There is no shame in learning life lessons. They hurt. We heal. One very important thing I have learned is that the only mistakes in life are the lessons you fail to learn. Walk tall honey, and one day there will be a partner there to love you every bit and more than you love yourself! You are worth it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's all about getting to know ourselves, what we need and who can provide it. It is, indeed.

      Delete
  6. HAHAHAHAHA.......was NOT expecting such a glorious return from my wickedest of witchy friends :D
    As for advice or soothing words for Y......my hubby kisses my scars...one day you will meet someone who will make you cry with happiness too <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love you, Gina!

      Delete
    2. Gina, you made me cry happy tears! xoxoxo

      Delete
    3. There is quite a bit of scar kissing on the Witch-Piano Man household... One day, I will tell you where most of my scars are. Hm... you already know!

      Delete
  7. He's the one with the ugly scars not her. But he projects his ugliness onto others and can't see his own reflection. We should pity him. (Glad you are back but the way!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I pity the bastard, indeed. It has to be horrible to wake up every morning knowing that he has to live with himself. Yuck!

      I'm glad to be back, too! I stopped by your cyber home and noticed you've been quite busy. I love your new pieces and look forward your sharing of your sketchbook. ;-)

      Delete
  8. I agree with Francie! He's the one with the scars, not her. Glad she is out of an abusive situation, now she needs to leave him and all the negative thinking in the dust. And the next time someone criticizes her body, she needs to show them the door also. Life is too short to be stymied by worrying about what people think of you!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe the door hit the next idiot right on the kisser. Better yet, let's wish for one who leaves her with no need for the door.

      Delete
  9. Darling Magaly, welcome back! I've missed you.

    I feel for and with your friend. Dating is perilous and it probably only gets harder with age. But you are of course absolutely right, everyone over 30 (and quite a few under) has marks on their body. I have stretch marks on my breasts and on the inside of my thighs (where my skin is also starting to get pretty lose). But we all know what assholes can do to your self esteem, and what society and media continuously do to women's self image.

    What I find works for me is to shift focus to the person I'm seeing instead. It might be controversial, but I encourage women to search out the physical faults of the man they're on a date with. Is he short, over weight, balding, has crooked teeth, bad breath, bad posture, a weird walk? It's a great way to stop obsessing over one's own body, and realize nobody is perfect - and nobody HAS to be perfect either.

    Now pass the chocolate, would you? :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think it's controversial at all; not if we really think about it. It's a lot like the old trick of imagining your audience naked, in order to deal with the anxieties brought up by public speaking. I don't mean that we should imagine our dates naked--well, maybe, hehehe--but that we should remember that they are probably as anxious as we are. I'm sure they have some things the obsess over, too. So why not remember that we are all human and as perfect as ourselves, and move forward to the yummier things in life.

      I will pass the chocolate and the bread, but you have your eye on my caramel, we might be fighting!

      Delete
    2. Ps. My first 3 imaginary replies to this post were full of cuss words, misandry and feminist theory. Just in case you were thinking the end result was a little out of character... :)

      Delete
    3. I'm reading People's History Of The United States by Howard Zinn. I have never taken this long to read a book. It's not the complexity of the writing--it's an easy read when it comes to that--or anything like it. But there are times, like on the chapter that speaks about the rights of women in colonial times, when I have to stop reading. I just can't hear myself think over all the profanity my inner goddess lets out. I know the times were different, but my goodness, I still want to poke my own eyes out.

      Delete
  10. I lived for years with an abusive husband both mentally, physically and emotionally, I was just approaching my 30s at warp speed when I finally found the strength to leave his sorry ass, he said the same things pretty much....I was used up, no one would ever want me, by the standards in our culture his words were horribly hurtful and made me wonder if anyone could ever love me with the hideous way I saw myself through his eyes......so I decided I didn't want another relationship, man or dating....then I met my hubby, well my stretch marks and body that showed it had birthed children and had suffered for years with chronic illness' jumped in there with me and I have never looked back.....abusive men say these things so that they can put that last dig in there, make a person feel that their self worth is tied to their looks, well not really our own looks but how they see us, but as evolved people don't we say constantly that what we see in others that we don't like is the reflection of ourselves that we either don't like or don't want to admit, that is what I used to keep myself from falling into the pit of depression and loneliness he tried to shove me into.......what a truly sad way for him to live full of such hate for himself...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This has been said quite a bit, but I will say again anyway. Our scars, the physical and the mental ones, are proof that we have been alive and living. We are survivors and to ignore them would not only be a terrible self-betrayal, but a delusional act. So, yes, I totally agree. And, my goodness, don't let me get started when it comes to our culture (and the things the male part of the population often gets away with--because some of us let them), I might start yelling... and I'm afraid I won't be able to stop.

      Delete
  11. Any decent people, including Y's coworkers, who witness such an immature, disgraceful temper tantrum will know right away without any doubt whatsoever who is the asshole and who is the wronged party. Y should hold her head high, as far as I'm concerned.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's exactly what I said to Y. My goodness, is he five? I'm usually the person who stays away from people's relationships. I give my opinion if asked, but try to be as neutral as possible. With this individual, I'm just glad she got rid of him. No one needs to raise a 30-something-year-old child they aren't a parent to.

      Delete
  12. *Hugs* for Y. If she can manage it, I think a class in mixed martial arts/boxing/zumba would help it to remember her self confidence. As for rejoining the dating scene, I haven't anything to add as it has been more than 10 yrs. since I've dated(such things happen when intellectual interests & socioeconomic status clash ). I do suggest she might want to first work on finding a group which shares an interest & then to friendship. If there is a potential date, it will follow on it's own.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I remember going back to dating after being in a relationship for a very long time. I was a tad nervous. I thought it was going to be so very different. You know what I discovered? It wasn't. The places we went to and the things we did for fun were different, but the expectations were nearly identical; at least mine were. I wanted a person who could be my equal in the necessary things, and my other half in the things I was missing. Sometimes (okay, most times) finding that takes a long time, and we have to deal with idiots along the way. And, yes, many times, we are the idiots.

      Delete
  13. Best wisdom I've read in a long time. "It is none of my business, what someone else thinks of me." It took a little while for that statement to sink in but now it is my mantra. I deserve to be respected, however if someone chooses not to, it's their problem. I will not be taken down by words of a fool. Someday soon, Y will awake one morning and realize that she is worth more than one moments thought of his negative ass or any foolishness that may have or might come out of his asshat head. It will be on her own and in her own time. But in the mean time Y, look at all you've gained by now having to carry his ugly nature with you any more. Congratulations on taking your first steps to freedom of soul. Oma Linda

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "It is none of my business, what someone else thinks of me."

      I think I will repeat that to myself... and to others, too. I might stick my tongue out as I say. ;-D

      Delete
  14. Firstly, men might be visually stimulated, but they're not shallow and it does them a disservice to suggest that they are. They love and desire us in our time-abused forms, and have anxieties about their own bodies, too.

    The idiot in question would have made a negative comment about whatever; he just happened to fix on something that stung. It's not valid or reasonable or true. It's spiteful, and needs to taken in that spirit. Spite is worthless and that goes double for ex-husbands.

    Oh! And thank you. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My 30-something springs have showed me that superficiality is an issue that affects both men and women alike. Some of us are rotten with it and some of us know it exist, but understand that it doesn't rule the world.

      Animals aren't gentle when they feel trapped... I think that he finally understands that he is out of her life for good, and like you suggests, decided to take one last bite.

      Delete
  15. I'd normally make a "cheeky comment" *grin*, but...instead I'll just say "well said". Welcome back, Magaly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cheeky is always more delicious...

      Delete
  16. his parting shot should just be a reminder of why exactly she left the rat bastard. like you said, who doesn't have marks and scars at this point in their lives. anyone who wants a woman of whatever age to look like a photoshopped image isn't anyone worth being with. really, most men are not that shallow.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't think of that... of how badly this behavior ruined any possible chance he might still had. We are both old enough to know how these things go, and to know that some things can't be unsaid... ever.

      I agree with you, most people--men and women--are much better than this when it comes to what they look for in a mate. And anyone who expects a societal imagined version of physical perfection would find very few to choose from... at least, while their eyes are open and the lights are on.

      Delete
  17. Pleased you have beamed back Ms Wicked.... Wow, I swear having to date again may hold enough terror to keep me and Big F together forever... BUTT (he he) I would happily drop a total turd, then open my scarred stretch-marked so non perfect self in all ways to the possibility of finding someone who thought I was their idea of bliss, in a slightly past 'best before' date, they could love, cuddle, laugh and grow old with.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. After this post, I've got a lot of messages from ladies (and one man) who told me the left their partner of 10-30 years after they no longer could take the abuse. I'm in awe of these people... I will ask a few of them, if it's okay to quote (anonymously, of course) some of what they say. I just think that leaving a relationship, a routine, after decades and surviving is a great thing... most of us go into relationships thinking that he or she is the one. I mean, how many times can we do that and fail without thinking that something is seriously wrong with us? To know that they did it and are still smiling is an honor... To know that you, like me, would get rid of a low life who didn't deserve our marks is an honor, too. ;-)

      Delete
  18. Welcome back my friend ;o) Your post and everyone's comments have really touched my heart! Just this past week, I was looking back at the few men I have been out with and what I realized, is that I have been doing the same thing over and over again! I have been told, things will happen again and again, until you have learned the lesson! Well, I have learned the lesson, ENOUGH! You tell Y to hold her head high and love herself! That is the most important thing! Her man will notice her strength and beauty and walk into her life ;o) I have not dated anyone since 1999! Yes it has been a long time! But, I guess lessons have to be learned and as hard as it is, you have to forgive, and go forth! Dating is harder when you're "older", but just keep smiling ;o) Not matter what, I'm not wearing a wig to cover up my bald spots! Big Hugs ;o)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wouldn't want to be with anyone who had issues with me physically or emotionally. They just aren't worth it, are they? You know I used to cover my scars, too. Then I stopped and I've been happier since. We are the first ones who need to accept all of us, once we do that, others--especially the ones who matter--will accept us, too, and be happy with all we are. Big hugs right back at you!

      Delete
  19. Forgot to say, always have loved Gina's flowering butt (and the rest of her) and man if that's your bum in that bikini.... Well, you make stretch marks look like the 'must-have' fashion accessory of 2014!
    Oh and I hope you gave Data a big kiss from me ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gina's flowering butt is the 13th wonder of the universe. Data told me as I was French kissing him for you, and I believed him. I was supposed to French kiss him, right?

      And yes, that is my bum *hehehe* I like the way the word "bum" sounds. '-D

      Delete
  20. I sympathize greatly with Y, having felt like the ugly duckling a lot of the time when I was young. I can't speak to dating in your 30's but I can say that this is an *awesome* time to do something for herself! Is there a place she wanted to go to, something she wanted to try, something she wanted to explore but never has? Now is the time to do it! She may or may not find someone else new to love through those experiences, but she'll find someone worthy of her love - herself! There's nothing as empowering as coming into your own and choosing your own joy. Good luck Y!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Once we love ourselves the possibilities are endless!

      Delete
  21. Welcome back Sweetie... Your friend Y should take the exs comment as just the stupid comment of a loser...however, she should probably take some time to become friends with herself be fore dating again... Then she will be better able to recognize a good person to fit into her life...of course, it has been 40 some years since I have dated, so I may not know of which I speak...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dating hasn't changed all that much... and you are right about the break. She has been separated from her ex for 3 years, but we know the stress that surround a difficult separation "agreement." It is best to spend some time with the self, licking mental wounds, pampering the soul, getting to know ourselves again... before letting others see who we are.

      Delete
  22. Stretchmarks are badges of honor, regardless of how they were earned! When a man looks at a woman he is attracted to he isn't looking for flaws and certainly doesn't see the ones that she sees, because to him, they aren't flaws but part of the amazing woman in front of him. Any man who looks at a woman and sees flaws should be booted out the door -just saying :0)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "booted out of the door" and kick on the rear as they stumble out--just sayin', too. ;-D

      Delete
  23. I don't think the stretch marks are the root of the issue (and yours are hardly noticeable). I think the real problem is twofold. 1) She really loved Worthless Worm once upon a time and is now afraid of trusting herself. 2) Worthless Worm really loved her once upon a time and now wants to hurt her emotionally. That love can turn to hate is a hard realization to swallow. I wish your friend emotional peace and happiness with who she is as a human and a woman. Only she can truly love herself. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love takes such a huge place in our heart. When it leaves, the hole can be the things of nightmares. Some fill it with memories--even painful ones, but still precious. The weak, the mean and the ugly fill the hole with nastiness, which they then try to throw into other people's faces. It's an ugly thing...

      Delete
  24. I don't know anything about being over 30 and dating...or about bad relationships...

    But I can tell you that I've got stretch marks on my inner thighs at 24, and I've had them since my teens. And while we're talking about skin flaws, my face clearly shows that I sort of lost the war with acne as a teen. That said, I found someone who's proved that if a guy really cares about you, anything like stretch marks won't matter.

    So don't worry about what the ex said on the subject of stretch marks. Anyone worth having won't mind them, and I promise that it's possible to find a man who will look at you -- stretch marks and all -- and think that you're the most beautiful woman around.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I started running when I was really young, so I think I've had my stretch marks since I was eleven or so. They grew with me, as have my other scars... Like you said, anyone who doesn't want all of me, can hit the road.

      Delete
  25. I could not put all I wanted to share into a reply so I decided to reply in a full post - http://witchcamefirst.blogspot.com/2014/01/this-tiger-earned-her-stripesand-then.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks a bunch for sharing so much, Ash. I sent your link to Y...

      Delete
  26. I'd find it hard to believe that a man would really be bothered by anything as superficial as skin blemishes. I don't think many men really think or care about stuff like stretch marks or cellulite, but they might invoke those things in an argument anyway, just in order to be hurtful, or for public embarrassment.

    The straight dope is, that pretty much all women are beautiful. Some women sparkle a bit more, but that's really just a component of self-esteem. But, in this hierarchical social system, men are made to measure their self-worth by how close their mates are to the standards set in the media, and some men aren't self-aware enough to accept that they're more attracted to real women than virtual ones, that would undermine their sense of self-worth. It's a shame.

    As to dating and stuff, I don't have any personal experience there. I've never really been on a date, or had a girlfriend or anything like that.

    Nice tuchus by the way.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Easy... dear Lady in question, can you really imagine undressing in front of a guy who is dying to get his hands (and other body parts) on you, him seeing your supposed stretch marks and suddenly going, "Uhm, never mind the boner, I have to go home and do laundry"? Trust me it's not gonna happen. Most guys I know are way less shallow (and more easily excited) than that. Stretch amrks are not too visible on my body since I am pale as death, but I get plenty of hair growing in all the weird places, and when I haven't gotten around to shaving before getting naked, my guy lovingly calls me "my blond bear wife".

    You'll do fine with that butt of yours, believe me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Uhm, never mind the boner, I have to go home and do laundry"?

      I can't start roaring, Richard's "blond bear wife"!

      Delete
  28. I only got stretch marks on my hips. I got lucky in some ways. I don't mind them and I've never been ashamed of them. I feel like you do, they're kind of like my tree rings. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your "tree rings"! I like that. ;-D

      Delete
  29. I am a scarred woman. My skin is painted with the stories of my life in scars and marks, and I am proud of it. I have scars from injuries, scraps and scratches, from a childhood spent half-wild on ten acres of mountain forest. I have a scar on my head from surgery. I have three children; I have a c-section scar from all three. I have stretch marks on my hips and belly, thighs and breasts. My man traces every scar and stretch mark with his hands and tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. Scars and stretch marks don't demean us, or make our value less. They are the marks of our stories, scrawled in the lettering of the life we've lived and still intend to live. I love my marks, my tiger stripes. I earned them, every one.

    Besides the fact, any man worth his salt is going to look at scars and stretch marks and wonder what she's been into, and whether he can get her to tell her stories to him. If he doesn't, he's not worth the time! Love, Light, and Blessings to your friend, Magaly.

    -Fox

    ReplyDelete
  30. It's lovely to see you back in the blogging world.
    Such a wonderful post x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I missed it. I enjoyed my vacation to end, but I did miss my cyber cottage. ;-)

      Delete