My Little Brother on My Mind…

Dancing, eating rich foods and spending time with those he loved were some of my little brother’s favorite things to do. He delighted in the warmth and fun of the winter holidays. New Year’s was his favorite. That is one of the reasons why I’ve been seeing him everywhere these last few hours.

The other reason is not so simple… or happy.

If you’ve been reading Pagan Culture for a while, you already know that my little brother died in a car accident last February. The recent Metro-North train derailment, in New York, brought back some difficult memories. The pain I felt the day I saw my baby brother covered in cuts and bruises squeezes my heart again and again. I remember thinking, Twenty-six is just too young. I remember sobs that wouldn’t stop, heartache that wouldn’t go away, a sense of loss that lingers… I remember all that, and I feel a world of hurt for the families who have to go through the same.

It’s very late right now; almost three in the morning, I think. I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I picked up one of my favorite comfort reads, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. The story helped. It took me to a different place, and it gave me more than a few soothing words:

“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.” If there was trouble somewhere, you could bet your last cent that Gregory Guerrero was in the thick of it; and probably grinning like a lunatic. It was one of the things that made me love him more—we got each other.

What Dumbledore said to Harry touched my heart, too. “You think the dead we loved truly ever leave us? You think that we don’t recall them more clearly in times of great trouble?”

“Prongs rode again last night... You know, Harry, in a way, you did see your father last night... You found him inside yourself.”

There is a silly grin on my face. I wonder if it is him smiling or me. Hm... the bit of mirth probably belongs to both of us. I believe in the message above. He will never leave me, so today we grin.   
Mischief Managed” 

41 comments:

  1. Big hugs and naughty giggles. I did wonder if that awful accident would hurt you more than you expected yesterday. You are dealing with it beautifully. Blessings to both you and your lovely brother XXX

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    1. At first, I tried not to pay attention to it. Then, BOOM, right in the heart.

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  2. *hugs* I am so sorry Magaly. And I can understand how those stories bring such comfort. The theme of death and loss that runs through the Harry Potter series has brought me comfort as well. It's one of the reasons I roll my eyes knowingly when they are dismissed as merely children's books. There's a wonderful richness to those stories that can be mined no matter what age you are.

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    1. People are too quick to talk about things they don't understand. It makes one wonder just haw much life they have really experienced...

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  3. You and he share a beautiful smile.

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  4. It is a beautiful, though sad, post, Magaly... Whenever I think of you I always think how do you live with that now, as time passes by? I wish we could be with our loved ones always, every minute, to protect them, care for more than we even do. I wish so much you didn't have to experience that pain..
    You both have such frank, lovely smiles. You definitely have your little brother inside yourself, every day, every moment, he is with you. Hug you tight!

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    1. Isn't beauty a strange thing? Sometimes it even hurts a bit... or a lot, but it remains pretty. Just like life ;-)

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    2. Indeed... painfully beautiful life. We have to live it :)

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  5. You both illuminate joy, with your smiles! Now yours glows brighter! xoxoxoDebi

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  6. I'm still very sorry for your loss, Magaly. I had not heard about the derailment, but I can't imagine having to identify the body of a loved one. How that image must haunt you.

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    1. I have to say that sitting there waiting to see... is one of the most uncanny and heart-breaking things a person might have to do. Until the last minute, one wonders, Could they have made a mistake? And then that image reaches your eyes, your heart, and takes everything away.

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  7. sudden death is a sad sad thing. we have no time to get used to the idea.

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    1. I think, Ellen, you've said exactly what I feel.

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  8. Your old soul resolve is such a wonder to behold. The way you manage your heart and mind is admirable and enviable. I thought of you when I read of the derailment. I wondered how you would be feeling and how you would quiet the storm that would move through you. I stand in awe of your knowing and understanding of how loved ones, truly loved, never leave us alone. Blessings dear one.

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    1. I'm holding on to him, Oma Linda. So very tight... And I think he is doing his bit to make his presence known. He wouldn't have had it any other way... Not where there is food and drink to be had ;-)

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  9. Sending hugs and sunshine your way Magaly.

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  10. That's a wonderful photograph you shared, Magaly, both of you with that wicked smile. It's funny how sleep evades us, when there's something that the memory wants to say.

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    1. The brain is powerful, but the soul will have her say... no matter what.

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  11. I see someone else commented on the smile you share. The spirits don't really leave until there is no one here to look out for. I suppose that is why I never mind seeing a neglected grave. It just means that the person has finally moved on. He's still with you. Thinking of you, Magaly.

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    1. I never thought of that, Francie. I tend to feel sad when I see a neglected grave. From now on, I will thinking of what you said. Maybe it isn't that the living no longer care about the dead, but that they have joined them in the Summerlands.

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  12. I'm deeply saddened to read of your loss.
    He lives in your memories and will do forever more.
    x

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    1. He does. He will. And we'll grin together ;-)

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  13. Mischief is never managed ;) Your brother on one side of the divide, you on the other.....mischief dancing between the two of you :)

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  14. xoxox love and hugs, both of you have a wickedly awesome smile, I still see lost ones, not really sure if they ever leave while we remember them with so much affection :)

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    1. I think that as long as our memories of them are strong, they live on.

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  15. Oh Magaly this brought tears to my eyes. You and you brother share beautiful mischievous grins. Those we love never leave us completely. They are always with us through our memories and within our hearts. Hugs dear Witch.

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    1. Hugs, right back. I was just thinking that he would have really liked you: beautiful, sensitive, willing to dance... he would have loved you! For some reason that makes me grin ever so wide ;-D

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  16. ((((((((((((Magaly)))))))))))) Holding you in my heart.

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  17. Magaly, your brother was a beautiful, kind soul! I can see that. And, he still is ;o) I love the photos of you and him smiling ;o) Sending much love and a big hug your way ;o) Your brother will always be with you!! xoxox

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    1. He will always be; in my words, in my heart, in my tales... always ;-)

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  18. It's funny how remembering someone you've lost can hit you. I found myself thinking about my grandma the other day at work, with no idea why she had come to mind. Not like we were ever close...

    Sorry again that you lost your brother. And that sounds like a pretty good book to turn to.

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    1. Maybe she is reaching out...

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    2. ...and why hadn't that possibility occurred to me? Thanks.

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    3. Sometimes, it's easier to look from the outside...

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  19. I'm sorry you're having a tough time, Magaly. Much love to you and to your baby brother. <3

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