Soot Calling the Cauldron Black


Things you might want to keep in mind while reading this post:
        1. Hypocrisy is ugly, and when it comes camouflaged as kindness it becomes nasty.
        2. People who try to con me into doing their nasty work should expect me to be me.
        3. I am like a mirror—what people put in front of me will be reflected right back at them.

Have you ever answered your phone right after a gut feeling told you that you should have let the little bastard wail until it choked? I did just that a couple of days ago.

“Hey, Lula,” I said. That’s not her real name, of course, but you know how these things go.

“Hi Maggie.” Her use of one of my nicknames told me she wanted something.

I uttered a groan in my head. Lula and I have known each other since we were very young. I don’t like Lula. Lula doesn’t like me. Do the math. “Can I help you with anything,” I said, “I’m a little busy.”

“It’s Bell,” she said.

“Is your sister okay?” I put my annoyance aside. Bell is a sweet girl. I always wondered how Lula and her could have grown up in the same household, and be so different.

“My stepsister is fine,” Lula said. “She’s just doing things that will harm her. And she isn’t smart enough to—”

I cut her off. “Just tell me.”

“I don’t know if Mama told you, but I’ve been trying to get Bell to lose weight. As soon as her divorce was final, she got this so called modeling job at a place that takes pictures of fat people. They tell her she looks good. She believes them. And guys are probably figuring out she’s easy pickings, so she’s walking around smiling at every swinging dick and looking like a slut. I don’t—”

“Lula, what do you want?” You see, my Wicked Luvs, Bell has always been a happy girl. It was one of the reasons why we were such good friends growing up. Lula, on the other hand, always walked around with her nose scrunched up as if someone had just rubbed shit on her upper lip.

“I’m not asking for me, Maggie. It’s just that this is going to hurt her later. Bell’s too dumb to see that guys are just making fun of her. And with that shitty magazine making her think she’s hot, things will just—”

“Lula!”

She sighed too loud for the gesture not to be fake. “Can you tell Bell she needs to lose weight? She’s pretending she’s happy because that’s what people expect from her. Tell her all those guys will never take her seriously. You’re friends, if you tell her…”

“Why do you want Bell to lose weight?” Bell has been a gorgeous thick girl since she was little.

“It’s unhealthy,” Lula said. “She looks bad. I don’t want people making fun of my stepsister.”

“Is that the reason why you wax your face, your chest, your forearms, and pretty much everything but your head and your eyelids? You don’t want people laughing at Bell’s sister?”

Silence…

“I wax because it is hygienic, Magaly. And if you don’t care about what will happen to Bell just tell me.”

“Bell’s fine. And you wax because you’re freaking hairy,” I said, cackling. “Remember that time you went home crying because Jerkwad told you that he would kiss your back, if he wasn’t so afraid of hairballs.”

“You feel good making other people feel bad?” she said.

“Did I just hear the hairy soot calling the cauldron black?” I cackled some more. Loud.

“You’re hairy, too!”

“I am, indeed, Lula dearest. But I refuse to peel my forearms to please other people. And I’m blessed with the gift of not having to wax my cheeks, my forehead, my ever skulking beard, my—”

“You’re such a bitch.” Lula was shouting. “Why am I talking to you?.”

“Touché,” I said. But I don’t know if Lula heard me before she hung up on me.   

I know, I know, my Wicked Luvs, I wasn’t very gentle with not so poor little Lula. Worse yet, I won’t apologize for being mean to her. Hypocrites are the scum of the universe, and to say that I’m sorry about telling her a few ugly truths would make me filth.

And just so you know, Bell is not unhealthily heavy. She’s plump, tall, attractive, and can outrun me on my best day. Even better—and very much unlike her sister *cough, cough, stepsister*—my Bell loves all the bits her mama gave her.

Oh, in case not so dearest Lula is reading this, I feel the need to point out that my Bell doesn’t have to wax her forehead, her cheeks… well, you know ;-) *cackles, showing a lot of teeth, and growls a bit*
Soot” by Caroco

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49 comments:

  1. ROFL. OMG I'd love to scalp the bitch so she is more "hygienic". lol

    I am a big girl. I've struggled with weight since puberty. Guess what?! Some men do not like skinny chicks. And just because you're overweight does not automatically make you unheathy.

    Sounds like Belle is just fine the way she is and the hairless bitch needs to back off.

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    1. Just so you know, I almost choked on a piece of watermelon. I can't stop repeating the phrase "scalp the bitch so she is more 'hygienic'." You are such a riot!

      Jokes aside, I think people should stop trying to tell others what's beautiful and what's not. It's silly, and a bit cliche, but beauty is indeed in the eyes of the beholder. And the most important beholder is the self. Everybody else should mind their own business.

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    2. lol, I'll put a warning on my jokes in the future then.

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  2. OMG, That hairy bitch needs to stay out of her Step-sisters business. Magaly I love how you don't take crap from anyone and how you stand up for your friends and whats right, the world could use a lot more yous!!!

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    1. I don't like people with ugly hearts. I would understand if she truly was worried about her sister's health. I would still tell her that it is her sister's business, but I would understand. My dad is a recovered alcoholic and a diabetic, and goodness knows that I was always crazy worried about him; and angry every now and then. He's fine now. So, anyway, I get feeling scared for someone we love, but when it's pure nonsense and malice hidden behind niceties? Oh, I get angry. And I don't get green or burst out of my clothes when I'm angry, but I get just as mean.

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  3. Okay, chiming in here as a big girl. I am losing weight so I don't have to stay on high blood pressure pills -- and after a year, I am down to the lowest possible dose. A few more pounds shed will see me off the damned things. If Bell is happy and healthy, then Bell is happy and healthy and she should just keep doing what makes her happy. Hairy can go chew a rug for all I'm concerned.

    You are an amazing friend for sticking up for Bell. Sounds like she has a positive self-image and should be celebrated for that. Go Bell!

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    1. I totally get the wanting to lose weight so that you don't have to take meds. I have a less than efficient digestive system, so I avoid certain foods and (are you ready?) eat a lot of prunes, sunflower seeds, and anything that keeps me from having to shove artificial stuff down my throat.

      I'm sure Bell let Lula have it, and that's the reason why she called me. I don't get that girl, and I don't think she gets herself.

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  4. Sounds like Bell is doing well for herself, with the modeling gig and new dating prospects. If Hairless could pull her head out of her bum long enough she might realize confidence is sexy, and she could learn a thing or two from her step-sister.

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    1. I think Lula would see all kinds of stuff (good stuff) if she was to pull her head out of her behind. She might even see that her life wouldn't suck, if she spent less time trying to make other people's lives to suck.

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  5. I was just dealing with some of this today from a colleague. People have such fucked up body image issues in this culture.

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    1. It is sad, isn't it? And it's a problem for all cultures, but in different ways. I grew up in the Dominican Republic. When I was a teenager I was really, really, really thin, and my legs ended somewhere around my neck. Other kids would call me names, and remind me that my thighs weren't as thick or my butt as big as it should be. Like I say, it seems to be a nearly universal problem and it's just sad.

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  6. Have I told you lately that you're my hero? Because you totally are.

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    1. Nope, but I'm listening. Now I have to some really nice tights, and a crossbow ;-D

      Hope you are having a good day, my dear. I've been thinking of you...

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  7. The cat with a human arm ...brr... very strange picture.creepy? yes.

    well... lol.. because you have to shave your... everything! haha... okay, i also shave legs, but i don't mind keep them hairy for few days, because sometimes I am too lazy to groom them again and again! but I don't have to shave my forehead, upper lip and a chin...and cheeks... lol
    A totally amazing post, Magaly! You shall make a compilation of such stories and publish!

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    1. I spent a long time admiring the creepy kitty. For some reason, I keep on "hearing" that claw scrapping the stone under the soot. Weird...

      I shave what annoys me, and leave the rest alone.

      I just had an image of someone shaving their forehead, and giggled ;-)

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    2. P.S. I've been thinking about some kind of Pagan Culture digest. Who knows...

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    3. This shaving thing annoys many, and men not less than women! we ourselves decided one day that we look better without hair, and now? we have to follow our own rules. I hope both sisters will be happy where they are and value themselves and love each other and accept...

      Well, you must make "Magaly's Short Tales" or smth like this. Judging by all the mails you get and you publish in your blog, you could find peculiar characters among us and make them live on the pages of your works.

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  8. Wow! does the jealousy of a sibling know no shame????...and looking at my pasty hairless, overweight body, I'm wondering if maybe Lula should try putting a few pounds on. Then she may be able to wax less :D XXX

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    1. Hell hath no fury like a hairy sister scorned ;-D

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  9. Lula, you repeatedly called your sister stupid, and unattractive. You distanced yourself from her highlighting that you are STEPsisters, when Magaly called her your sister. It doesn't sound like you are doing this out of genuine concern for Belle at all. It sounds like you have convinced yourself of that, but it sounds more like you have some really deepseated resentment toward her confidence and happiness. You need to work on you, Lula. I am 15...ok...20 lbs heavier than what the "ideal" weight is for my 5' 1" frame, and this year I finally stopped feeling bad about it. My weight has fluctuated for my whole life, and I've always felt bad about it. The best I've ever felt was when I embraced and loved myself this year...from my long second toe to my stubby little toe, to each and every stretch mark, and even the lines around my eyes, and yes, even my hairy forearms. It is possible to love yourself even if you are not perfect in the eyes of others, Stepsister Lula. Magaly, I love the creepy kitty! I feel how she looks pretty damn often. I "hear" the scratching of her claw against the stone too. :-)

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    1. I will forward this to Lula. I think she needs to read it. I remember a time when I was very self-conscious of my scars. I didn't go around calling people ugly or stupid to feel better about my patchwork, but I refused to wear anything that showed where my skin had been cut, scraped, burn, torn, broken...

      It took a very special guy, way younger than I and missing his legs, one eye and part of his jaw, for me to understand that beauty is not found in what the mirror showed me, but in how I chose to see it.

      Today, when I look at my scars, I remind myself that I could be dead. But I'm not. I just have a few little reminders that say: Witch, you were almost a gonner, but there are things you need to do. So Nature decided to keep you a bit longer. Don't crap all over the gift by disliking the wrappings.

      I, too, have embraced flows, and made them my beauties. Whoever thinks them ugly, can go and screw himself or herself.

      We shall dance to the music of that scratching claw, my sexy Sarah ;-D

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    2. Sarah took the words right out of my head here. It sounds to me, like Lula has some resentment towards her (step)sister's happiness and the compliments she's receiving or some deep seeded fear that people will somehow think less of her unnaturally hairless self because her sister is a 'fat chick'. Which is stupid on a number of levels.

      It sounds to me like she needs to focus more on herself and leave everyone else alone. There's some healing that's needed there and a refocusing of priorities.

      And I should know, because it took me realizing that I was doing the same thing to others (though not to a sister) to try to stay atop an unstable ladder of false self-esteem. I was plucking and pinching and waxing and fasting to try to make myself 'beautiful' and to stay thin as a rail. And you know what? Once I cut the bullshit and dug down deep in to myself, started eating real foods, letting my hair do what it will (except that chin hair or two, I'm not perfect! ;)) and gained 50 pounds I finally felt beautiful... for real. Without needing to shit on someone else to make myself feel better.

      Added bonus to that 50 pounds? Not only do I no longer look like a skeleton and have my health in better shape, but I've finally got some boobs and a butt that I get giddy shaking and showing off. *cackle*

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    3. Lula is not in a good place. I, too, think that she needs to start liking the person looking from the other side of the mirror, and maybe after that she'll start appreciating everybody else.

      I need to stay within certain weight standards because of my hip, my heart, my asthma, my shoulder... damn! and because I'm pretty much too frugal to want to change a wardrobe that has been around since high school lol. But I refuse to stop eating my soda crackers (love the bastards) and saucy sausage or sweet delicious coconut water... I exercise hard so that I can play hard.

      You are not the only one who keeps an eye on a stubborn hair or three, sweet love. I'm Hispanic (hairy, just like good dancing moves, is our DNA lol).

      Yay for boobs and butt shaking that makes us cackle in glee! :-D

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  10. Well, she obviously got what she called for. If she really cared about her sister, she would be happy that Bell feels good about herself.

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    1. My thoughts exactly, Diandra. No one has ever helped anyone by telling them that they are not good enough.

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  11. I love you, Magaly.

    Concern Trolls are the worst... *growls*

    (Me likes the creepy kitty!)

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    1. And you are loved, right back ;-D

      "Concern Trolls"? *roars* I think I just saw Lula in my head lol

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  12. Shit. What is WRONG with people?! Calling a person fat, embarrassing, stupid, slutty - all the while acting like it's concern..? She just sounds like she hates that her stepsister is happy, she hates that she is getting attention, that she isn't hiding in a closet flogging herself, but instead is out there flaunting her bad ass self.

    What surprises me though, is that you have these kinds of people in your life (you've written about "friends" who are bigots, narcissists and hypocrites before). I get rid of every person like that as soon as I can. I drop them like a hot potato and don't look back.

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    1. Sometimes the poisonous tree grows in a forest you love. And the forest loves the tree, even though it knows it to be deadly. You don't go and seat under the bad tree, but you have to walk by it every now and then. Sometimes it tries to smack you with a branch, and you just go ahead and cut it off... And when it tries to spread it's poison, you burn it a bit.

      The forest will be sad, but it will also know that if that poisonous tree is left to take over the entire land, the forest will be left alone.

      As much as we want to thin the forest, it is almost impossible to get rid of every bad tree. Specially if its roots is twisted around the good ones.

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    2. LOVE the tree/forest metaphor. (Sorry for horning in someone else's comment.)

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    3. At Pagan Culture eavesdropping is not only polite but expected ;-D

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  13. Lula Troll must have been having quite a day of denying reality to call for 'help'. Ha! She certainly got what she asked for :))) Love Sooty Cat.

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    1. Sometimes all we need is to ask. We don't even have to ask the right questions, you know? If we poke enough someone will eventually tell us what we need to hear. We might not like it, but answer will be there.

      I love the you gave her a last name lol

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  14. This is a stayaway from person, Magaly. Not likely she will though. sounds like she's hooked on the anger she generates in other people, sigh.

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    1. She is like a nasty rash, Francie. Somehow she always finds a way to come back. All I can do is be prepared to get rid of her.

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  15. I love the way you responded to her!!!

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  16. What Bell does is just not Lunas Business. Neither is her Body and her weight. Luna is a nasty person, obviously.

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    1. I'll paraphrase J. A. Konrath, in Dirty Martini to say that some people have issues, Lula has the whole subscription. She is nuts, and beyond horrible.

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  17. OMFG u crack me up!... Funny how folks like Lula just don't get it when banter is thrown back at them!.. Truth hurts doesn't it? Maybe Lula has something to think about next time she dares call you. lol

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    1. Someone *cough, cough, Sarah* sent me a quote that I think explains Lula very well: "People who don't have visions, dreams, hopes, or desires in life... always go out of their way to kill yours."

      I know that Bell has fought very hard to get where she is, so if someone needs to word-slap her sister so that she won't crap all over a good thing, I sure don't mind doing it.

      Maybe in the future no one will have to tell her anything. Let's hope...

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  18. LOL! Magaly, you are the best! A true woman, who speaks from her heart! No shit around you and I love that!! All the best to Bell! Rock what your mama gave you girl!!! ;o)
    Love your creepy kitty ;o)

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    1. "Let the wild rumpus start!” That's what I say. Okay, so the one who said it was Maurice Sendak, but still when it comes to rocking what our mama gave us, I'll say it, too ;-D

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  19. I think we all have a Lula in our lifes. Sometime she is that voice in our heads that hates us anytime we aren't the way she thinks we should be. Is it ok? No way! It takes awesome people like you, Magaly to see through the Lulas in life and tell her isn't not ok and that it won't be tolerated. Your a good person.

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    1. Sorry. Bad grammar. You're

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  20. Much love to your friend Bell. She sounds like she's got her head together, and if she's happy then more power to her! There's often a fine line between healthy and proud of oneself, but from what you say, it seems as though your Bell has it all figured out. Beauty comes in all kinds of different packages :)

    Where can I get a cat like that? :D

    -Fox

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    1. I totally agree with you, "There's often a fine line between healthy [and beautiful] and proud..." I've seen people go both ways (too skinny or too obese to have ever even heard about healthy), and as good friends we should probably offer them a word of caution (or three). But that is not what's going on between Lula and Bell, the former is just nuts. I'm just glad Bell doesn't listen to her nonsense.

      I have no idea where you can get that kitty, but if you find out do tell me: I want one!

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  21. Hehehe I love you Magaly

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    1. I love me, too *narcissistic grin*

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