She Who Keeps Silence While a Friend Commits an Act of Idiocy Is No Friend at All


A friend (let’s call her Bride) sent me a picture of her prospective wedding dress, engagement ring, wedding band… and all the bits that seem to be a must for getting married in today’s society. The subject of her email read, “Aren’t They Absolutely and Perfectly Gorgeous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Everything is ‘Gorgeous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ indeed,” I replied.

“Do you like it?” she wanted to know.

“They are ‘Gorgeous’” I repeated.

“Give me your honest opinion, Magaly.”

“About how ‘Gorgeous’ the ring, the dress, and the venue are, Bride? You have excellent taste, and the things you’ve chosen cost almost $30,000; they are ‘Gorgeous’ and then some. I’m just worried about the ‘and then’.”

She stayed quiet for a moment, and then said, “We both [her Husband to Be and her] have jobs, we’ll manage the payments.”

“Bride, I love you, you know that right? We’ve been friends for what? Twelve years? Well, all those years, and all the crap we’ve gone through together are telling me that I would rather have you mad at me for a month or five, than sit here keeping my peace while you do something really dumb. I know you want a fairy tale wedding, but you need to make sure that your prince charming and you won’t have to sell your souls in order to pay for cake and flowers.”

Bride told me that she couldn’t talk anymore. That she would call me later.

I knew I had pissed her off, and I didn’t think I would hear from her in days. But she called an hour later.

“People are expecting a lot, Magaly,” she said as soon as I picked up the phone.

“Are ‘People’ going to pick up the bill?” I said.

She sighed. “A wedding, and the symbols in it, represent the way two people feel about each other,” she said.

“Lovely,” I said a bit too loud. “Now I know that you hate your Husband to Be and yourself so much, that you want to drown in debt, just to show people—who we both know you don’t give a damn about—that you two are great at being miserable together.” I waited for her to say something, but she didn’t so I went on. “Sorry, I know this is not time for sarcasm, but I’m so angry at you right now. It’s all I can do to stay rational. Bride, you guys live in the boonies and you have only one car, you rent a tiny apartment, you owe money in credit cards… How much do you have in savings account?”

Silence.

“Well, how much?” I was losing my cool.

“$416.00,” she said.

“You are an idiot and he’s a dumb ass. What is wrong with you!” In case you didn’t notice, I get quite, um… specific when I’m upset. “Are you freaking insane?”

“No,” she said in a tiny voice. “I called you because I knew you were going to say all that. Would you talk to us together about it? I think if I hear it put like that again a couple of times, I will be fine. But I need help telling him.”

We spent twenty more minutes on the phone, me saying that the topic was something they should be able to discuss as a couple, and Bride telling me that she wouldn’t know where to start. So she called her Husband to Be, and we had a three way conversation. I repeated the whole thing (even the ‘idiot’ and ‘dumb ass’ bits), he stayed quiet the whole time. And at the end said that all he wanted was to marry Bride. Even if they did it dressed in plastic bags and exchanged candy rings from the dollar store.

All was well. Until the Husband to Be called me a few minutes later. By himself.

“You know that if I don’t get the ring Bride wants, eventually she is going to tell me that I don’t love her. Remember Japan? When she said that if you didn’t care about Valentine’s Day, then she didn’t either? So I didn’t get her anything. Then she told me that if I truly loved her, I would have known to get her something anyway, even if she had already said that she didn’t want anything?”

“I don’t know what to tell you, man,” I said. “I know my friend, and I want to help you both, but—”

He cut me off. “She sent me links to ten different engagement rings. The cheapest is $9,000.”

“Stop,” I said. “I’ll speak to Bride again, but after that, you two need to look at the finances of your wedding. And as stupid as this might sound, you need to discuss communication, too.”

Bride and I spoke for about an hour. I told her about the conversation with her Husband to Be, and she told me that “Japan was a different thing entirely.” So, I asked her if she would be okay with me discussing the topic at Pagan Culture. I wrote the words you are reading and sent it to her for approval—it’s her life after all. She was the one to choose the pseudonyms “Bride” and “Husband to Be.” 

Here is the heart of this super-long post: My friend wants to spend way more than what she can afford to have the perfect wedding. I’m not the best person to advise her, or give her objective guidance, due to the fact that I’m a Witch who would certainly reconsider the merit of marrying a guy who even entertained the idea of buying me something that would leave us owing our future to a bank or credit card company.

More details: Bride is my age. They are both divorced. She wants to have children in the future. No one is helping with the wedding expenses, if they marry in the United States. His family lives in the Caribbean, and they are offering their house (an amazing place), the food, drink, entertainment, if they go there to get married—Bride wants the wedding here because most of her friends won’t be able to afford an out of country trip.    

So… now the floor is open to you my, Wicked Darlings. These are the questions my friend wrote:
1.     “Is it ridiculous to want the perfect wedding?”
2.     “What if I don’t have the wedding I’ve always wanted, and that ends up ruining my marriage and relationship?”

Please be gentle and honest, my Luvs. I know I called her an idiot, but that was just because she knows me so well that she has turned getting on my nerves into an art. Try explaining your answer, if you can. I suspect she’ll listen. Sometimes opinions from strangers are easier to understand (even accept) than the ones coming from people we know.

Also, Bride is convinced that I have a problem with a huge wedding because I’m “a Hippie Tree Hugging Witch who has no idea that fashion and comfort don’t live on the same planet.” Which is mostly true, and happens to hold all kinds of value in my witchy book of life ;-)  
 I don’t know if this couple is getting married, but if they are, I hope they do it on the train.
image by Sergey Ivanov, via

Share |

108 comments:

  1. Ah Mags - I am a poor one to give an opinion.

    (shades of a previous conversation) My own wedding was planned by my mother because WE wanted to get married in the JP's office. I gave up fighting and let her have her way - I just showed up.

    And as for my own daughters . . neither is interested in marriage at the moment. But when applicable, I'll be offering a cash gift and gas money to the JP.

    <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are an awesome mother. By the way, I might need my cash gift and gas money to the JP next year ;-)

      Delete
  2. Okay, so as you know I am planning a wedding as well so here's my two cents on the subject: My whole like I've been very cynical about weddings. Frankly I used to think they were stupid and if I ever did get married that it would be something small. Well now I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with so my feelings have changed a bit. I found my perfect dress and my perfect venue and my cynicism is slowly melting away (for now anyways). I do have to say I spent a pretty penny on my dress (around $950) and the venue is a bit on the expensive side... so we're deciding to skimp on other things.

    I have friends who are photographers, the only flowers we're going to have are in my bouquet (I really don't like flowers), no center pieces, we're getting married during the day, I'm doing the invitations myself, etc. Also out guest list will be about half the size of what we would want. All of that though to me doesn't matter - I'm marrying the man I love, I have a gorgeous dress and I'm getting married at a gorgeous venue.

    This of course is all within our budget (which we set out when we first started to plan). Of course I would still be happy getting married barefoot on a beach somewhere but still it is nice to have this very historical/elegant wedding. It's what we both want. So no, it's not ridiculous to want the perfect wedding. But if having it ruins your marriage than that's a problem. And if not having the perfect marriage ruins your marriage than that's also a problem. A wedding is simply an event (an important one I know, but still just an event) the marriage itself is what's important. The joining on two people in this great journey is what's important.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think budget should have a huge voice when it comes to defining "perfect".

      Delete
  3. I think you hit the nail on the head with the two of them needing to work on communication. I think that Husband to Be should keep the links to those rings, and look at them again for their 10th wedding anniversary when in all likelihood they'll be more affordable. I think the idea of the "perfe ct" wedding needs to include affordability as part of the "perfection". Going into debt that you can pay off in under 6 months is reasonable for a wedding, but I would embrace the concept of simplicity. Only invite people who truly would be happy for them and plead finances to the folks who aren't invited. Make the Caribbean trip the honeymoon, saving money on food and lodging by spending it with family. Look at thrift stores for vintage dresses that can be altered to fit and be more affordable at the same time.

    If a fairytale wedding was being thrown by actual faeries, it would be in a small meadow surrounded by wildflowers. Be bold enough to redefine "perfect" by your own standards, and not what others expect.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Under your terms, even I want the fairytale wedding ;-)

      Delete
  4. 1. “Is it ridiculous to want the perfect wedding?”

    Not at all! HOWEVER... "perfect" is relative. We ended up disappointing a lot of people (mainly on his side) at our wedding because we didn't do it exactly as they would have... and you know what? It didn't matter, as it worked for us! They ended up having a great time, anyway, and my favorite (if backhanded) "compliment" came from his Nana, who said "I guess everything turned out nicely." XD

    I think your friend needs to separate the expectations from what she wants (and what's in her budget). It's much easier said than done, but you can have a beautiful wedding without spending a lot. :)

    The most important things, at least IME: The photography (you want those memories preserved), the food (because FOOD), and the DJ (because MUSIC and DANCING). That doesn't mean you have to spend a ton on it, but that they should be what you consider in highest regard. Yes, even more so than the dress!

    (If your friend wants some help on doing a budget wedding, lemme know... we ended up spending $25k for the wedding, reception, and honeymoon [a week in Jamaica, WHAT], and we could have done it even cheaper if we hadn't done a few things that really didn't matter. :))

    2. “What if I don’t have the wedding I’ve always wanted, and that ends up ruining my marriage and relationship?”

    Then you're putting WAY too much emphasis on a wedding DAY as opposed to married LIFE. A wedding is for sharing your love and your lives with family and friends, and it not going perfectly (again, with "perfect" being relative) is NOT an indication of how your relationship is or how your marriage will turn out.

    I think a lot of people forget that it's only a day in your life. Sure, it's a spectacular day that should be fun and drama-free, but the idea of "perfection" is put into much higher regard than I think it should be, and that idea of "perfection" is often a misplaced idea. I think your friend would do well to remember that it's just a day, and that the most important part -- the marriage!! -- only begins that one day. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I the dream of a "drama-free" event with so many people around. Dreams, dreams, dreams...

      Delete
  5. I've been married twice now - neither with a 'perfect' wedding. If the two of you love each other unconditionally, then the performance of getting married shouldn't change the outcome of your marriage. As my current husband once put it - the wedding hoopla is more for everyone else than it is for those 2 getting married.

    Sure, I wanted to put on a show for the family and friends that we care about, but we understand that we can't afford it. Instead, we had a judge marry us, and soon we will be taking some nice photos and sending out Announcements to everyone.

    I think the real question here is: Do YOU want the wedding, or does your family EXPECT the wedding? You have to be logical in this, even though it is filled with so much emotion. If you can't afford it, compromise and find some other way.

    Since we were married by a judge, I would like to save and plan, so that we can have a nice ceremony later down the line - perhaps as a vow renewal on our 10th anniversary...
    ~Sunfire

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm all about saving up and having the "Big Day" in 10 years when your kids can be part of it ;-)

      Delete
  6. I have been married for 13 years now. My wedding, while still on a budget was what I thought I wanted at the time. I've since come to realize that it didn't matter whether we got married in an elaborate show or if we had made our way through the courthouse. In fact, my Dad offered to pay us to elope... then it seemed ludicrous... today, if I had it all to do over again, that's exactly what we would do. Husband and I have realized that the show was for everyone else, it didn't matter to us one bit. We would still be married now, still love each other just as much, still be at the same point in out lives regardless. So my advice would be to to look toward the future. The wedding is one day. The promises you'll make to one another will carry you through the rest of your lives, so focus on that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your dad sounds like a hilarious man. I bet he adores you ;-)

      Delete
    2. He is... and he does. I'm a lucky girl indeed!

      Delete
    3. Then we are blessed daughters ;-)

      Delete
  7. For what it is worth; I've had it both ways. My first wedding was huge, elaborate, expensive, showy and the marriage lasted 13 months. All the pretty in the world didn't make that one stick.
    The second: we drove to his hometown, got blood tests, waited 3 days, went to the courthouse at 3 pm and a guard and a secretary were our witnesses. I had no engagement ring, still don't, no flowers, no bridesmaids, none of the trappings of the world. This one has lasted 41 years.
    When you are meant to be together, it doesn't matter who officiates or where. The people who enter into the marriage must realize that it takes work, hard work to make a partnership stay the course. And none of those flowers, cake and sparkly diamonds help when you argue about money etc.
    Many believe that the right kind of wedding is what makes the marriage but it does not.
    Two people who are committed to loving each other no matter what and backing each other up in all kinds of crap ass conditions......that's what marriage is about. It is not to be enter into without a clear head and a strong commitment.
    I hope that my being in my sixties doesn't water down the fact that finding the right person and staying true to them and holding on for dear life as life throws you off your course, only to wake each morning next to the one person in the world you can trust is a work in progress, every day. Good Luck, Oma Linda

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Oma Linda! great words for all of us. Marriage is all about love, understanding and support, and not fancy clothing and diamonds:)

      Delete
    2. I agree with Hindustanka, Oma Linda. Not only that, but we are the ones who define "fancy" and "sparkly."

      Delete
  8. My daughter and I went out to choose wedding dresses this weekend. Her fiance told her that if she really wanted a specific dress or venue that put them in debt, he'd be okay with doing that, because he wanted her to have the perfect wedding. My daughter looked at him and said, "NO. It's the perfect wedding because WE'RE in it. We are NOT going to start our life together off with massive debt for an event that will last only a few hours. We can find what we want/need within our budget." We found the absolute PERFECT wedding dress at David's Bridal. It cost $199.00 and it looks like it was literally made just for her. Her wedding venue will cost about 6k, including the food. AND, they saved up for it. The issue I see with Bride and Groom to Be is communication and her caring WAY TOO MUCH about what other people think, rather than what's right for her and her soon-to-be hubby. SYMBOLS are just that-symbolic. Meanings will be inferred by others, but what it means to the couple is the only thing that counts. Being sensible doesn't mean it can't be beautiful. The point is, this is THEIR day. NO ONE ELSE'S. If people don't like it, they can pack sand. The wedding is the first day of what is hoped to be a lifetime together. Why start it off on the wrong foot? These two need to talk openly and seriously about EVERYTHING first. As an ordained minister, I'm already seeing where this marriage will be doomed to failure, simply because they can't talk to one another. Have they discussed children? How many? When? What kind of parents will they be? (Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive, etc...) What are their goals and dreams of life together? Who will be responsible for bills? What living arrangements will there be? etc... they need open, frank discussions here before they even THINK about planning a wedding. If you can't talk to your spouse as your best friend, then this will not work out. My two cents.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have the feeling that on my wedding day, there will be lots of sand packing lol

      Delete
  9. Oh Dear Friend of Magaly:
    In Sweden we don't spend NEARLY as much as Americans do on our weddings, and we end of loving the day anyway :) To give you a ballpark figure: Your ring costs as much as our entire weddings. I am not kidding.

    What we are very good at in Sweden, is being realistic, sensible and thrifty. (We also shun anything tacky and over-the-top, which certainly helps in these situations.) Google how much one child costs per year. Then google what 2 children cost per year. Add a dog. Then google what getting two new cars in 5 years will cost, maybe having to get a bigger house + insurance, a new tv, washing machine, a heater. Then google what the real state of oil is in the world and consider that we might have to pay twice as much for heating and gas in only a few years.

    Now google "intimate wedding" and repeat after me: "A wedding lasts one day, a marriage is supposed to last a life time." You guys are not gonna kill each other over having a small, albeit a little more boring and sensible, wedding. You guys might very well divorce over being in horrible debt, and having every dinner out, every new dress, every new gadget becoming a scream fest for the next 10 years.

    I believe in you, Bride. You are gonna make the right choice!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No wonder I like Swedish people so much ;-)

      Delete
    2. Oh, and it was supposed to say "You ring costs as much as our MOST EXPENSIVE weddings". I would never spend 9,000 USD on a wedding!

      Delete
    3. I figured that much, and I'm glad. I love your practicality, maybe because it mirrors mine so much lol

      Delete
  10. I would recommend heading over to offbeatbride.com and reading a bit on there. Chances are she will find all kinds of stuff she wants and has to have in her wedding, but if she can get apst the gorgeous pictures long enough to read the advice for other brides, she will realize that a wedding does not have to be expensive to be great.

    Richard's brother and wife spent a "fortune" (well, a thousand bucks, but... more on that later) on their wedding rings. Their wedding was the traditional thing - townhall, cake and dinner with family and friends (about 20 people, I'd guess). Nothing about the celebration was memorable. They also did all the stuff that is expected from a couple - house, two kids, car. He works sixty hours per week and treats her like crap in front of us. ("Can you believe I even have to iron my shirts because she cannot do it right?") From what I see, they are miserable together despite spending money on all the right things.

    My older sister and her husband had 1.5K to spend on their wedding. My sister sewed her dress herself. They had a silver friend they know design their rings (silver, no stones or such). Instead of fancy cake, they announced that they were ahving a medieval farmer's wedding, and whoever wanted to contribute should bring some homemade cake. They rented a cheap place to decorate themselves, enlisted friends and family to help (I took a week off from university in the middle of exams to help, and got up at the crack of dawn in June to find the perfect wild flowers for my sister's bouquet) and stayed well under budget - despite feeding 70 people. They are still remarkably happy, to the point where it is nauseating.

    See, Bride? You do not need much money to have the perfect wedding. If you are lucky, this will be the last wedding in your life. I bet you would rather enjoy yourself than stress about money and other people's expectations.

    (And since you are most likely going to, at some point, lose or damage your ring anyway, why spend a fortune on it?)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I need to hear the story about the "thousand bucks"

      Delete
  11. A silver SMITH of course. *lol*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, the excitement ;-)

      Delete
    2. P.S. auto correct wanted to write "excrement" lol

      Delete
  12. Ok, here's my two cents...for what it's worth. I agree with everything that's been said already. And...

    1. “Is it ridiculous to want the perfect wedding?” Nope. Just has to be perfect for you. Perfect is your own definition.

    2. “What if I don’t have the wedding I’ve always wanted, and that ends up ruining my marriage and relationship?”

    You're putting WAY to much emphasis on the Wedding. It's just a day. Sure you pledge your love to another person and you celebrate, but it's just a day. Keep repeating that to yourself. You don't want to get the Wedding Blues and you don't want to become a bridezilla. You want to start your relationship off on the right foot and being financially responsible is one way to do that.

    Plus, whatever you do, you have to be prepared for the cons as well as the pros. So if you don't do the big wedding. You can't hold it against your spouse later down the line. That's not fair to either of you.

    And Magaly's right. Communication is key. Your relationship won't last very long if you can't talk to each other.

    PS: your comment near the top that “A wedding, and the symbols in it, represent the way two people feel about each other,” yes, that can be true. But a ring is a ring. A dress is a dress. The cost of them doesn't make them a more important symbol. If that was true everyone who spent thousands or millions of dollars on a wedding would still be married.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Indeed; the rich and infamous *grin* would have all kinds of long happy marriages.

      Delete
  13. How is starting out your married life with a $30,000 wedding the 'perfect wedding'? The main cause of arguments and discord in a marriage are financial and she wants to start out with a huge debt? What is a perfect wedding anyway? Expensive ring, a fancy expensive dress, a catered dinner, an enormous expensive cake, spending thousands on flowers that will be dead in a few days time...how does that make anything perfect? You know what a perfect wedding is? two people who want to spend their lives together saying their vows. That is the perfect wedding. All the rest is just show business. the love you have for each other is not measured in how much money you spend on your wedding. the big perfect wedding is a construct of the wedding industry. it is promoted to sell expensive jewelry, expensive dresses that you will wear only once, expensive food and cakes, expensive flowers...none of which the bride and groom will profit from.

    Here was my perfect wedding: We got married in our little 1200 sq ft home, we invited everyone we knew, we bought two kegs of beer, we could only afford to buy me a simple plain band that cost $90 and no ring for him (til a few months later when my mother gave me the money to buy his), I bought a new dress and he bought a new suit, clothes that we could and did wear again, my bouquet was a nosegay on a hair clip. The party lasted 8 hours! that was 37 years ago and was a perfect wedding. btw, it was a second marriage for us both. my first wedding? the whole over the top dress, flowers, cake, simple ring though cause that is my taste. that marriage lasted less than 4 years. it was not the perfect wedding. the amount of money you spend does not reflect the amount of love in a heart.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I nearly lost it when I heard about the $30,000. And after the fact, I found out that the honeymoon hasn't planned yet. So just imagine...

      Delete
  14. I think to expect to have a "perfect" wedding is highly unrealistic. Life isn't perfect and unexpected things always happen. Embrace those things. Shoot for a wedding comprised of things that actually mean something to both of you. Just because a wedding is big and over the top doesn't make it perfect. Personally, I think it's ridiculous to spend truck loads of money on a bloody ring. Is she really that shallow? That wasn't very gentle, but come on. The ring and the dress and all these things that people get caught up in and become "bridezillas" over are crazy. My first wedding only cost $2000. There were about 200 people there. I had a gorgeous custom made dress that a seamstress from the church made for me and donated as a wedding gift. Other church members helped with the decorations and catering. Think outside of the box. You don't have to hire a fancy caterer and buy a $3000 dress. My second wedding was more along the lines of a huge community party. Guests brought food and drink as their offerings as good wishes for us and the important thing was that we were surrounded by loved ones and our love for one another. There is no reason for your wedding day to affect your marriage/relationship. It's one day. Whatever your friends decide to do, I hope that they have many years together, and I wish them joy and laughter as they embark on their shared life together.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When my day comes, I want all my friends to get involved--the close ones, the ones who know what me and my guy are all about. Those cousins who I haven't seen in 20 years might care less about attending the wedding of a stranger, so why invite them?

      And no, she isn't shallow, but I think the pressure is getting to her.

      Delete
  15. I did my wedding on a budget. I made as much as could myself, we used artificial flowers for the bouquets and I made them myself. I got my dress on sale. The venue, we splurged slightly, but they did the food, cake, chairs, linens, etc. Still we stayed under way under the budgets you usually hear about on those bridal tv shows. The day didn't go exactly perfect but I got beautiful photos out of it. A little tip for the photographer, try to find someone who will give you digital copies of the photos with the rights to print. You can print your photos where ever you want and some of the online sites do great discounts on their photo books too and it's a great way to get a wedding album printed. My came from Snapfish, I've used Shutterfly too, they both make really nice photo books.
    I did some research on price ranges for my dress too, I found a designer I liked that had dresses in my budget, and then I found a store having a sale for that designer. I ended up coming in under budget with my dress.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's all about preparation and practicality, isn't it?

      Delete
  16. Firstly, definitely echo the whole communication aspect of this - that is an area the will have more impact on the future of their relationship than any wedding will.

    Secondly, where is the perception of a 'prefect' wedding coming from? Is it believed to be perfect because that is what society and friends say, or is it because it is a reflection of the personalities of the people getting married?

    Thirdly, how much is this so called perfection worth? Its an important day in your life, but is it worth putting financial stress and all the accompanying stressors to a relationship that comes from that? We often put a lot of energy into creating the image we think we need to display to the outside world to the detriment of how it actually makes us feel.

    Case in point. I got married cheaply - all up the entire day (clothes, location, celebrant, rings, food, all of it) cost us about $2000. We were married in a local park by the beach in the morning. We had a picnic brunch as our reception and our photography involved getting everyone to send us copies of the photos they'd all taken with their digital cameras. We didn't have a lot of people (we were married in a different country from both sets of families) but we decided it was best to be somewhere that made us happy not where the most family was. It was a magical, wonderful day that I will cherish forever because it was what hubby and I wanted and we didn't bow to the wishes of any member of our respective families or friends.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm more worried about the fact that they aren't married and they already need a mediator than about anything else.

      Delete
  17. Hey Magaly, I switched blogs. Used to be JD Lynn. Anyway. On to the questions...

    I got married last July. So all this is fairly fresh in my mind. Your friend should maybe check out offbeatbride.com. Very cool site with a million and one different perspectives from every walk of life. It helped me immensely.

    Question 1:“Is it ridiculous to want the perfect wedding?”

    Answer 1: First who's definition of "perfect" are you using? What is YOUR perfect wedding? Perfect is a dangerous word. Ultimately you and your beloved and someone to marry you is all you HAVE to have. I completely understand that once family gets involved the "have tos" start spiraling out of control, but YOU and YOUR INTENDED are the only ones who get final say. I suggest sitting down and shutting off everyone else's voice in your head. Picture your wedding. What do you see? Does it make you happy? Write it down. Refine it. TALK it over with your intended and see what he want/needs to be happy with it. Work together and come up with a vision that is uniquely you and him. That is what will make you happy in the long run. Any you'll learn more about each other in the process.

    Question 2. “What if I don’t have the wedding I’ve always wanted, and that ends up ruining my marriage and relationship?”
    Magaly said be gently and kind, but I have to say if your wedding which is ONE DAY out of your life ruins your marriage and your relationship? You have no business getting married. You need to take some serious time and work on you and grow up. You can get married every year after that first time until you get it right if you want but its not going to change the underlying relationship. THAT is the important part. You are joining your life to someone else's for better or for worse. Worry about THAT, not whether people are going to wonder at your color scheme.

    I hope this helps in some small way. I wish you joy and happiness in your life together, Bride. Remember relationships are not 50/50. They are 100/100 and all about give and take.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She spent about 4 hours on Offbeat Bride yesterday ;-)

      Delete
  18. Perhaps a happy tale will help the bride. In 1999 I was a senior in high school, living with my boyfriend and his brother. We had rented the house and split the rent between the three of us.

    Shortly after the brother moved out, we decided we wanted to get married. The date was set, Nov 4th, the day of my 19th birthday. There was a problem though. I worked a part time min wage job after school. Dh worked a full time job but it was also low paying so while it paid our bills it didn't pay for much else. By all standards we shouldn't have married then. I was a student, he is 10 yrs older than I am, and we were poor. But we were a couple in love and when there is a will there is a way.

    We went up to the court house to inquire about a marriage license. It cost $32.50. He had the $32 dollars but was short .50cents. I happened to have it. To this day I joke that he was only worth .50cents.

    Of course that left no money for a venue, gown, or anything else of that nature. My mother said she'd spend $50 on a dress. We looked at several Goodwills trying to find a wedding dress but nothing in my size was available. Finally we decided if a wedding dress couldn't be bought we'd settle on just a really nice dress. I found one in JC Penny. It was velvet and fit me like a glove. Said silhouette of glove being somewhat better than it is 15 yrs later. lol

    It was also a black dress. Color didn't matter though. Really, nothing did besides being able to look into the eyes of the man I love and say I do.

    If Bride loves her man, it won't matter about the material things. Dh and I have been together now for 18 yrs, 15 of those happily married.

    We have never had a fight in that whole time. We talk to each other if we disagree. We say I love you multiple times a day and we always respect one another. I think this couple really need to sit down and talk. Have a big discussion on what their version of marriage will be. If she is going to require such perfection on her wedding day, is she going to require it on other major purchases? She needs to learn to compromise. He needs to learn how to love her without breaking the bank. If they can't communicate now, I really do not see much hope for the marriage to last.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, even if it doesn't help her, you can feel good that it has put many things in perspective for me ;-)

      Delete
    2. I hope it helps anyone needing the advice. Perhaps one day you'll share your perspective with me.

      Blessed Be darlin.

      Delete
    3. I have a feeling I will ;-)

      Delete
  19. You are an excellent friend. People like you are rare. I am thinking how difficult it would be for me to say all that stuff to my best friend. I would do it(and i probably will have to, because she has a thing with shopping!) but i would feel horrible.
    Happy Spring my love!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know she would protect me the same way. Sometimes is really hard to do things for ourselves.

      Delete
  20. How brave of you to be willing to have this conversation with your friend. I hope both she and the Husband-to-be can come to appreciate your love for their new family. There are some amazing responses here already and I second everything.

    Ignoring everything else - Numbers:
    $30,000 borrowed at 10% interest
    If you pay $300.00 per month it will take 18 years to pay the total balance which will include the original $30,000 AND $34,772 of interest
    Total cost of the wedding: $64,772

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The possibility of having to pay over $64,000 to officiate one event makes me a little dizzy.

      Delete
  21. I heard the Groom-to-Be saying a very sweet but dangerous thing: that he wants to do whatever makes Bride happy, and clearly he means it. I hope Bride sees that. My wonderful man says that all the time to me, our whole 24.5-year marriage, and I love him more every time he says it. He's been willing to drive off all kinds of cliffs for this wacky Aquarian and we've made some dumb mistakes too. Groom-to-Be needs to say no sometimes, for both their sakes. And if he fears her wrath in saying no over a dress, wait till they have some SERIOUS problems to deal with together! Bride, dear: you have a very special man right there. Don't drive each other off a financial cliff! I would highly recommend some pre-martial counseling and maybe some private counseling for Bride. Sweetie, I think you need to do some work on yourself. What will all this extravagant spending bring you that you don't already have? I'm sure it's filling some kind of void. Does the fancy wedding make you feel good about yourself? Proud in front of friends and family? Look what I'm doing and how great I am? Think about that and also think about how you feel about money. Seems to me like you have issues with money that you should look at also. I used to blow money and was deep in debt, and I think it was to "prove" to others that I wasn't poor, even though inside I always felt very poor. You can heal that! Trust me! :) I wish someone had told me that 25 years (and many credit card issues) ago!!

    And now for my wedding story: our wedding cost less than $1000. We were really into Ren Faire back then, so we just used our costumes and a friend made us fancy white wedding shirts for them (and there was a funny incident with my hubby's crotch ripping, but we won't go there). We rented a historical house for the day very cheaply. We bought a ton of groceries and several friends cooked a lavish feast for 80 as their wedding gift to us. Several other friends played music or sang during the reception as their gift, and a dear friend officiated as his gift. We got super cheap flowers - the florist gave us a huge discount since we were willing to just accept whatever flowers she had in the shop, and she made me and the bride's maid beautiful head wreaths and bouquets. Rings cost $100 each - we went for Black Hills gold. We and a bunch of our best friends took the week before the wedding off work, and I'll tell you what: I'm still best friends with almost all of them! The experience of doing all that together helping each other made us all bond so tightly that to this day, it still brings happy tears to my eyes. A wedding shouldn't be a big fashion show. It should be a ritual that binds families together. Real families including especially chosen families. OK I'm done crying for one day, damnit!! Peace, hugs, and many blessings!! <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. After reading about your wedding, I find myself wishing that I could have been there. You've given me so many ideas for when my own day comes. I told Bride that she needs to read and reread your comment.

      Delete
  22. Dear Bride to Be: You are sabotaging something that hasn't even begun - your life together as husband and wife. Do yourselves a favor: pick some wildflowers, put on a pretty dress from Target or J.C. Penney's, and walk barefoot on the beach as you say your vows. Fairy tale weddings end up in fairy tale lives. Meaning: they don't exist. True love is not calculated by how much your ring, or your dress, or the whole wedding costs. It is immeasurable, and if you use dollars and cents to calculate love, you're going to have some hard lessons in life. I wish you much luck, happiness, and above all - an abundance of true love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "...an abundance of true love" and mutual understanding, so mote it be!

      Delete
  23. Hmmmm...
    1. "Is it ridiculous to want the perfect wedding?" Not at all. But I think first you must define your own interpretation of perfect. What does your soul say? Why are you marrying this person? Is it to impress other people, to live by society's materialistic values (and we all see where that has landed us) or because he is the only one who makes your heart flutter and your toes curl?

    2. “What if I don’t have the wedding I’ve always wanted, and that ends up ruining my marriage and relationship?” When did "always" begin? Are you still the same person you were as a dreaming child? Is it worth the stress of maxing out credit, income, and savings accounts? It sounds like you have a man who would do anything to make you happy. That in itself is a form of wealth.

    Whatever your choices, I wish for both of you a long and lasting love filled with mutual respect and tenderness. Mina

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've told her the same, that anything she chooses I will lover anyway. Even if I find myself having to offer a shoulder for her to cry over how much money she owes.

      Delete
  24. You're a good friend, Mags and I wish I had someone in mine and hubs corner to back us up when we had to fight with everyone else about our wedding which we were paying for all by ourselves.

    To me and the mister, getting hitched was supposed to be about US and how we were ready to make a huge commitment to each other. To my MIL, however, every single thing I chose to do (or not do) was obviously a slight and s sign of hwo much I was trying to push her out of our lives. When in fact, I didn't want to invite more than 50 people or family members he hadn't seen in 10 years and who I had never met because WE WERE FOOTING 100% OF THE DAMN BILL! And while we both worked, we could just afford our apartment, our bills and the occasional outing with friends.

    We scrimped and saved up the 5k we spent on our wedding and cut things like a DJ and a professional photographer, I called in favors from friends and booked the cheapest place I could find to accommodate 80+ people (a large portion of which, didn't even show up! Surprise, surprise!), barely ate, barely danced and couldn't wait to get hubs alone in our honeymoon suite after where we promptly... fell asleep. Because I was exhausted from months of stressing out.

    If I could go back and do it all over again, we would have grabbed our two best friends and eloped. Your wedding, is about you two and your love for each other. Our society, our friends and family, blow it our of proportion and turn it in to a place to showcase how much money you (don't in most cases) have and make you feel like your life will be ruined without all that. But think about it; do you need all that in your day to day life with him? Or are you happy with him right here, right now. Will you be happy with him in the future without all that extravagance as part of your day to day life? If the answer is yes, then why begin your married life with a boatload of baggage and fodder for issues further down the road for something that lasts a few measly hours?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know that the day I take the leap, many of my family will be pissed. Maybe reading Bride's post and your comment will get them prepared for what's to come, when it does.

      Delete
  25. How about suggesting a compromise? (If this has already been suggested, forgive me - I stopped reading the comments halfway thru when I realized they were mostly offering the same suggestions - I'm impressed, by the way, by all the ideas here!) So, a little background for your friend Bride and her Husband-to-Be: I(Fox) am recently divorced after 8 years of BS. My man(Dragon) and I - we have been together for 3 years, we have a 1 and a half year old daughter (in addition to my other 2 from the previous relationship), we are not married and are discussing having a handfasting with no legality involved, just our promises to each other.

    So! Compromise: do a small, comfortable wedding now. Then in ten years (or as my wonderful Dragon suggests, 40 years... or compromise further and do the 20th) have a vow renewal and blow it through the roof. You can save money for years. You can decide there's something you'd rather do with that money when it comes time. And, you don't risk having a crazy awesome wedding for a marriage that may or may not last. No offense, judgment or harshness here, just stating fact. I really thought my marriage was a match made in heaven and it didn't last. We didn't spend an awful lot of money on the wedding... instead, a lot of that money was spent on a new roof and AC for his house.

    My Dragon's comment on the subject is that fancy, high-cost weddings and honeymoons set unrealistic standards for the rest of the marriage, which you can't always live up to every day of every year of the marriage. Yes, girls dream of the "perfect" wedding but what's truly important?

    I guess the moral of my story is that it doesn't matter how perfect or unperfect the wedding ceremony is, if the marriage doesn't work out. It's the relationship that makes the marriage, not the ceremony.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Compromise is key, and practicality keeps a soul out of the lonely poor house.

      Delete
  26. I don't think she needs any more advice than the sound advice you gave her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think my dear Bride is a lucky one. I expected some good guidance, but not this much. I hope she notice the volume and how strong everybody (especially those who have been married for decades) feel about the topic, and realize that it is not as important as it feels at the moment.

      Delete
  27. 2) Not having a perfect wedding does not ruin a marriage. Unrealistic expectations, inability to communicate, & disagreement over financial decisions ruin a marriage.
    1) If bride wants a picture perfect wedding, take up inlaws offer of house/setting, video everything, relax & enjoy a *debt free* wedding, return home & throw one Hel of a reception/party themed around the beautiful setting, show the movie, enjoy everyones' congratulations.
    I would much rather go to a backyard party & watch the wedding movie than attend a wedding which could *never* be perfect as it put my *friend* so incredibly deep in debt that she may not be able to afford having the children that she wants.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If my in-laws-to-be offered something like that to me, I would be there so fast that they wouldn't know what hit them. Seriously, a wedding in the Caribbean? For free? Just imagine the party!

      Delete
  28. 1. “Is it ridiculous to want the perfect wedding?”

    Nothing wrong with wanting that. But if I've learned anything, it's that you can't always have exactly what you want. (And yeah, I've cried before over wanting what I can't have. Probably will again.) Sometimes you need to figure out what's actually possible, and then find a way to make that into what you want. In this case, it means figuring out how to spend less money while still having a great wedding.

    I've never been married so I'll use something else in my life as an example: when I got my first apartment it wasn't the best in the world (inexpensive and a bit dinged up), but I managed to make it into my perfect home anyways. I did that with good food, and by doing little things such as hanging herbs to dry in the living room. I didn't have everything I wanted (a flat screen TV and a couch would have been awesome, not to mention a 12 inch frying pan) but it was mine, and that made it perfect.

    2. “What if I don’t have the wedding I’ve always wanted, and that ends up ruining my marriage and relationship?”

    If your marriage falls apart because you didn't have the wedding you wanted, then your relationship wasn't strong enough. And I might also point out that getting yourselves into loads of debt could cause lots of stress which could damage your relationship.

    And you know...this question brings to mind the mention of the Valentine's incident, where Husband to Be didn't do anything and the Bride got upset...even though Bride says it's different this time, I'm not convinced that it is. I'm still not changing the advice I've already given, though, because this is an issue that would need to be resolved by adjusting expectations, and also changing attitude. That is, abandoning the "I say X but mean Y" thing. Perhaps by working on communicating better with each other.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think we only stop wanting what we don't have when we no longer care about growing into our understanding of "better." It is okay to yearn, it is the going into impractical alleys in order to get it that becomes dangerous. For we won't be able to enjoy what we thought we needed and often end up needing things that are even more difficult to get, if not impossible.

      Delete
  29. Anonymous3/25/2013

    My husband and I got married when we were young and in college. We had no money and my parents let us have the wedding at their home. We had 37 people (family only) attend. We had finger sandwiches and cake. It turned out to be a blessing as my husband's grandfather died the morning of our wedding. We spent 2 days at a nice hotel before heading back to school and the funeral. I wouldn't change any of it. Our small wedding saved what little money we had and saved us much aggravation. Though not what I would describe as society's idea of a "perfect wedding" I remember it fondly. Now 33 years later we are still married while many of our close friends who had the big perfect wedding are divorced. I don't think it helps to start your marriage off being in debt...just saying, it's the marriage not the wedding that counts. CLM

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the idea of satisfying society's neediness is a really fast path towards unhappiness. Society is like a bratty child, the more you give in to him/her, the more he/she wants, and the more rebellious the tantrums become. No one wants that.

      Delete
  30. Wow, there is a lot of comments on here! Excellent! First, I want to say, Magaly, you gave excellent advice!
    For myself, I feel, if two people are truly in love, that emotion is going to shine at the wedding! You don't need a big cake and hundreds of flowers to show it off!
    My advice on the ring, everyone has diamonds. Get something different, that is yours. And, money doesn't buy everything! I saw wedding show on tv. where the couple met in Africa. The husband to be, knew the bride loved elephants. He handmade this ring out of silver and had two elephants, with the trunks entered twined. That still makes me cry happy tears. That is LOVE! There was no diamonds. But, that ring was worth a million dollars!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love the idea of something different and that speaks to them.

      Delete
  31. My first wedding was the all the girls, big day. Lasted just over 5 years, thank God we didn't have kids! My 2nd wedding was on the cheap My "wedding" dress was from a catalog, husband wore the suit in his closet...My maid of honor borrowed an outfit from me. Church ladies helped serve deli trays we made and then we partied at our apartment after. 10 years later I still don't have my dream ring but I have a great family. In the big picture it is just a day, especially if you are already living together. There's no big change because you exchanged vows and it IS silly to go in debt for it. The fact that both of you have been married before should give you both experience to draw from.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your last sentences says it all for me. Then again, this is not for me, huh? lol

      Delete
  32. With all the frills...I hate auto correct...

    ReplyDelete
  33. Anonymous3/26/2013

    My husband and I went away and got married by a justice of the peace and then came home and had a very small gathering of only family and friends who lived close by. I think there were 40 people at our reception. We had an inexpensive dinner catered and played music we copied ourselves. It wasn't a destination wedding. We went to the city we were planning to move to to look for a place to live and while we did that we got married. The wedding was all planned and cost in total including a new outfit for me $2,000. Because we didn't have much money we only each got wedding bands. It wasn't until we'd been married 25 years that I expressed a desire for an pretty ring like an engagement ring. We looked for one together and bought one for $900.
    This year my husband and I will have been married for 27 years. Money does not buy happiness but being in debt will sure buy you misery and stress.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know, I can hear the sweet love, the patience, the dedication, and the loving reality in your words. I want that for me one day. I hope Bride hears the same tune and realizes how important and amazing it is.

      Delete
  34. I will be gentle and share my own wedding experience...
    First, there was no "proper" wedding at all. we married in the court, with three witnesses and a government official, who was our priest at that time, and signed the certificate and put all the stamps..
    At that point of time, as circumstances were not on our side, we thought of just one thing: we want to be together no matter what. Hence, we ran away to get married, and ran away to the nearest city afterwards... I don't regret even a single moment of our marriage; opposite,we have such a memory of that day that deserves a whole movie to be shot on it :)
    I can really understand your friend very well, as marriage is a big step and everyone wants it to be special... BUT... please, read about Indian wedding. People become bankrupts for just showing off to others ... there will be 200 people, and more than 50% of them are unknown to both groom and bride. And it's just one day, it will be forgotten no matter how grand it was. Are you still delighted by the wedding of Prince William and Kate (ok, they are royals, but still)? Well, I remembered it just now, while writing.
    My advice: make this day special and precious first of all, for both of you, dear Bride and Husband to be. Make it memorable by inviting those you love and those who really care for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think a wedding should be filled of loving energy. I will never understand why anyone would invite a stranger or someone they don't like to their wedding. It's just weird to me, then again, I seem weird to many people.

      Delete
    2. No no, it's not weird, Magaly. I think the same, that the stranger will never anyway appreciate your wedding as well as will never be able to be happy for you, isn't it?

      Delete
    3. Exactly, not to mention the fact that someone might bring negative energies to your day of happiness, just because they didn't want to be there in the first place.

      Delete
  35. Oh I am so with you on this. People need to understand a wedding is ONE day. It is not worth mortgaging your entire life, to have ONE day. If people put the time, energy and money into a marriage, that they do a wedding, the divorce rate would be lower.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The other thing is that an inexpensive, adorable, love-filled wedding can be many days, too. Invite those you really care about and who care about you to participate, they will be happy to. Keep it simple, yours and about love... maybe I'm naive when it comes to this issue, but I've never been able to figure out why people go so nuts over it.

      Delete
  36. I stopped reading at the part where you began with "More details:" (towards the end)... just couldn't agree with you more ~ it's idiocy to start a life out together in debt and impoverished, anyone that does this is setting themselves up for failure. I recommend they spend an eighth of the money on premarital counseling so they can pickup a few tools to help them through their life together ~ best investment they could ever make. I know... been married a few times. *smile*
    ♥Sharon

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sharon, you can see through me lol. My first reply to Bride contained links to three marriage counselor friends in her area. She told me, "But we don't have any problems." I told her to go for a free consultation and then revisit the 'no issues' situation.

      Delete
  37. As you know, Magaly, Michael and I are getting married this August - his second marriage, my third. My first wedding was that 'perfect' extravaganza. The marriage was horrible - a wedding is a gateway to the main event, not the event itself. The second marriage lasted a long time, but it was plagued by money woes, and I am so with you on NOT starting a life together burdened by debt. It is poisonous, and it will kill you. This time, we are truly having the Perfect Wedding - we are keeping expenses down and instead going for meaningfulness. Every person involved - photographer, officiant, caterer, etc, etc, are people we know personally who have their own local businesses. Symbolism that is particular to the two of us and those we love will abound, and I promise you, NOTHING will be anything found in the latest edition of Bride magazine. Because of chronic illness that has messed up my hands, I will have a wedding bracelet rather than a ring, and as we were looking over what to get we both realized we like silver, so why get something more costly for my bracelet or his ring? We are planning a trip after - to spend time at a friend's B&B, because again, at our age (late 40s-early 50s), we have come to realize through hard experience that good friends and time together is worth SO much more to us than achieving the modern American dream of breaking ourselves financially to give the impression of living more extravaganly than the average royal family did a could centuries ago. It is gluttony, and that isn't who we want to be. If how we begin is the start of who we will be, I want as much good loving positive energy attached to our wedding day as possible, and our only debt going to those fine people in our lives that we love and who help us make the day possible. We plan to be generous to them (this isn't just about not spending money - it's about spending money WELL), but not throwing it away on anonymous extravagence. I hope your friend will find a way to realign her notions of 'perfect', and focus instead of the care and feeding of meaning in their vows and their life together. Spending a fortune because that is what's expected will not lead to happiness. Making money spent the symbol of how much one loves another will lead to tragedy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can see you both having the time of your life at your friend's B&B, creating new memories, waking up to loving faces, sleeping late, not sleeping *cough, cough*. Love should be about loving and nothing else...

      Delete
  38. I'm all for perfect, but I wondered when reading this was, is this *Bride's* idea perfect or is this what she thinks people expect of her? I've seen the family done, potluck wedding and I've seen the fancy high end, expensive-mediocre-food weddings. Truthfully, if I had the chance to get married in the Caribbean, I'd do that and then have a nice big party for all my friends who couldn't make it to the wedding.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Luna, I would do it like you suggest. Get married in a wonderful tropical place, um... for free, and then treat a few friends to a nice reception. It sounds perfect to me.

      Delete
  39. Dearest Bride, there is nothing wrong with wanting a perfect wedding, however the wedding is not what makes the marriage and to bury yourselves in debt so deep it will be impossible to climb out is crazy. You can have a beautiful dress, a beautiful ring, and a beautiful ceremony at a reasonable price within your budget. Keep it simple and personal, and enlist your friends to make your decorations, and dinner Find a beautiful outdoor location to host both the wedding and the reception. You will be amazed at the gorgeous wedding you can have with a little research. Check out Pintrest for loads of ideas! I wish you and your husband-to-be a happy, amazing, and magickal wedding. May your marriage be blessed with a lifetime of love and joy!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "...a lifetime of love and joy" without the loan payments.

      Delete
  40. They should postpone the wedding until they save enough money to pay for all the things they want...otherwise the debt will ruin their relationship...plus he is not a mind reader, love does make us mind readers...don't expect to read your mind...it you want t him to know something, tell him! They need to better communicate...doesn't sound to me like this couple is ready for marriage...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've suggested the same, Judy. They aren't religious, so I implied--okay, I kind of told them--that they should live together for a while, maybe a year. See how things work, and go from there.

      Delete
  41. It's probably a bit rude, but she has already had one 'perfect' wedding...did that help her stay married the first time? It's not the 'perfect' wedding that's important, it's the commitment to each other...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The truth is often rude, but that doesn't make it less real.

      Delete
  42. Went back and read some of the comments...I see my comments were only repeats...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm very glad for the "repeats." Bride needs to hear this from many people. It was my reason for asking her to let me propose her questions here. I don't care about society's expectations, so a big wedding is just a waste of time to me. But there are all kinds of people here, and everybody seems to be singing the same tune. So it must hold some validity. I hope my friend sees that. I want her to be happy.

      Delete
  43. *sigh*

    And people wonder why I'm not pro-marriage for anyone.

    What's wrong with a goofy song and too much alcohol amongst your favorite people?

    Seemed to do the trick way back when.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I will go for a few glasses of one, maybe a shot of Bailey's Irish Cream and dance, dance, dance! You can't dance on a big old dress. And I refuse to pay (or own) anything which I would have to remove in order to have fun (and act like myself at a party, especially MY party!).

      I think the drink, food, friends and song still does the trick today. For many ;-)

      Delete
  44. You know what the "Perfect Wedding" is? Marrying the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. The costs for weddings in the US have spiraled out of control.

    If you are living in a small apartment and thinking about spending $30,000 on a wedding ... well, that money would be better spent on the down payment for a home ... the place where your true marriage begins.

    The best and most fun wedding, and reception afterwards, that we ever attended was at a small church, where the bride and groom were so in love that they were literally the center piece of the ceremony ... their love shown for each other and made all there revel in their joy! Not a lot of decorations, flowers or a pompous ceremony ... just a simple ceremony where two individuals shared their love for each other with the rest of us.

    After the ceremony, all the guests went over to the bride's parents home and had the most delicious barbecued hamburgers and side dishes I have ever eaten in their backyard! The happiness and joy of that day spilled over onto everyone there and it was better and a lot more fun than being in a fully decorated hall with catered food.

    In the final analysis, are you having the wedding to "Show Off" or "Share With" ...

    If "Share With" family and friends who love you dearly ... they don't want you to go into debt to "entertain" them ... they just want to share the joy of this special day with you.

    Jim and I have been happily married for 45 years now ... we had a simple Catholic church wedding and the reception at my parents' home, people had so much fun they still talk about it today, course maybe that is because I fainted after I said "I do." ... and they were probably happy I hadn't died! I spent around $500 on the entire wedding back in 1968 ... from invitations to wedding cake, and everything in between; about 300 of the 500 people we invited showed up. My Mom was concerned that the house wouldn't hold all the people for the reception, I wasn't worried and it all worked out quite nicely!

    What was really cute, was after we left the reception to head to the beach for our honeymoon ... we had forgotten something and went back to Mom and Dad's to get it. We walked into the house and people were still there, they had cooked up even more food and were having a grand ol' time!

    Moral of the story: when you have great friends and family ... your wedding will "turn" into the best party of your life! Your wedding will start the party .... 8)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You do know that you can't just come here and say, "I fainted after I said 'I do'" and just leave it at that? I need to know the rest of course.

      45 years, now there is a party!

      Delete
    2. LOL! That was just the beginning of a never ending journey of adventures with Jim! ...

      I woke up in a pew and saw this vision of an angel through my veil (it was over my face) ... and I asked "Did I just die?"

      The angel said "No ... I think you just fainted.." Then I turned my head and saw Father Larry and asked "Do I have to do this all over again or did we complete our vows!" ... Fr Larry smiled down at me and said, "You are now married Mrs Brady ... are you able to stand, kiss your new husband and walk back down the aisle?"

      I said ... "Yeah! I can do that! Let's get this show back on the road!"

      Now this one is really gonna blow you away ... it cost Jim "one penny" to pay for our honeymoon trip to Victoria, BC! I still have the skeleton key to the room with a canopy bed (7 mattresses tall) that we forgot to turn back in at "Ye Ol' English Inn" in Victoria, BC (on Vancouver Island).

      The scary part? Our International jeep type vehicle breaking down on Hood's Canal in the dark of the night with NO lights and ending up in a quaint hotel that I was sure was straight out of an Alfred Hitchcock movie ... and then ending up with this really creepy guy in a VW (who turned out to be a really nice guy) come to our rescue and drive us to the nearest town with lights still on ....

      See .... you don't need a lot of money to have a great wedding and memories that will last a lifetime! You just need love for one another and an enjoyment of adventure!

      Delete
    3. That sounds like a novel. You have to write it, or illustrate it lol. Your hubby sounds like an angel, and very hilarious one, too ;-)

      Delete
  45. Ok Bride....I met the man of my dreams in 1982, we were booked to get married, in an old church in the village I was born in...200 guests to a sitdown meal. Was selecting the perfect dress when the Miners strike hit us. Wedding cancelled. In 1986 we set up home together. A friend sent a letter saying she would like to come stay with us...from Australia, on April 18th. My prince charming said "if we book our wedding for that weekend she can be your witness". We had 3 weeks to get organised. Another friends mother sent her shiny sportscar to take me to the registry office. My aunty made the buffet at my mum's house. A friend of prince charming set up a disco in the pub they played football for and the landlord only charged us £30 for the venue. My dress cost £10 from a sale clearance rack....during the evening the landlord estimated 300 people came to bless us......that was a perfect wedding. What your thinking of is a "text book" wedding...text books are boring and stressful...let the universe and your friends bring you a perfect wedding and a blessed marriage <3 XXX

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep, the perfect wedding (for me) is that where the bride and groom are sooo in love with each other that they don't notice anything else, and what they do notice makes them smile like loons. And of course, where they dance until they shoes fall apart ;-D

      Delete
  46. Wanting the perfect wedding isn't wrong, but we don't get to have everything we want now do we? My advice is Etsy, they have some gorgeous rings that are around $500, and they have great dresses. And I would totally go to the Caribbean to get married even if every one I knew couldn't come. But then again when my mom got married she left me with my grandparents and got hitched in Vegas, just her and my stepdad, and she wore a prom dress and got married at the Grand Canyon (yes a planned Vegas wedding).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep, with a little planning, lots can happen ;-)

      Delete
    2. Exactly and she does say she wishes I was there but the trip was also their honeymoon and I wasn't old enough to do anything on my own so I stayed home. But she has never regretted her wedding, she loved it. It was her and her husband and that's all that mattered. Plus it was some great photos.

      Delete
    3. It was THEIR wedding, and I'm glad they had it just like they wanted ;-)

      Delete
  47. My family is huge on splitting up Holidays to accomodate more initimate gatherings.
    I say, she has a big wedding in the Caribbean, then comes home to a smaller initimate get together of friends and family...a Newlywed Party!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She might like this one a lot, Cameron. The gods know I love it! It would be like getting two weddings ;-)

      Delete