Pabelo’s Wishes…/Los Deseos de Pabelo

So much for lightheartedness…

Everybody is angry. There have been cries of outrage: “He was too great to be cremated!” “How can you say you loved him, if you are not going to do the natural thing and bury him?” “He needs a viewing in New York and a funeral in the Dominican Republic!” “You need to do this…,” “You must do that…”

I understand your pain better than anyone would. He was my flesh and blood… I hand-washed his diapers… I stayed up with him when he was just a little boy afraid of the dark and sickened by the sight of decay and wet foods… I was there (yelling at him) when he met his first love (at too young of an age) and spent hours with him on the phone as he went on and on about how much he wanted his daughter and wife to come to him. He was my brother. I have to live knowing that most of his dreams ended when that car crashed against that guardrail. It hurts. A lot. All the time. I want to celebrate his life more than anyone can imagine. I want him to live on. I want him to be alive. I want so many things…

Friends and other people who loved my brother have asked, “What can I do to help?” The truth is that at the moment, the best thing you can do for us is give us time and space to deal with our sorrow, and to take care of the mundane aspects of my brother’s death.

I understand that in order to grieve, many people need to do something. Some have spoken of financial support—thank you for that. We are not saying no to your offer. However, we ask that you hold any donations until after the service. I don’t feel very comfortable writing this. I don’t like it at all. I’ve spent most of the day changing it, wondering why it makes me feel weird. After many hours, I realized that it is because I prefer to take care of my own things. But I can’t be that selfish; he wasn’t mine alone. This is not just about me and my family’s pain. It is also about his friends. So we (my father, my big brother, Pabelo’s wife…)are grateful, in advance, for any help.

We haven’t chosen a date or time, yet. Pabelo’s wife is working on getting a humanitarian visa in order to attend the services. We are not sure how long that will take. We are hoping it will be soon. What we do know is that there will be a viewing, so that all his family and friends can say goodbye before my brother’s remains are cremated, per his wishes: ashes to ashes.

Again, to all of those who have offered monetary help, we ask that you hold on to it until a later time. What we need right now, is for everyone to remember that Nicole lost her father, my dad lost his youngest boy, Emely lost her husband, I lost my baby brother… Please think of that before complaining about the kind of service we’ve chosen or accusing us of “doing inhuman things” to his remains… We lost Pabelo. Let’s not lose each other, too. That would have wiped the smile off my brother’s face.  

En español

Todo el mundo está enojado. Han habido gritos de indignación: ‘¡El era demasiado importante para ser cremado!’ ‘¿Cómo puedes decir que lo amabas, si no vas a hacer lo natural y enterrarlo?’, ‘¡Él tiene que tener una velación en Nueva York y un funeral en la República Dominicana!’ ‘ Hay que hacer esto...’, ’Tienes que hacer aquello...’


Entiendo el dolor de todos mejor que nadie. Él era mi carne y sangre ... yo lavé sus pañales a mano... La que me quedé con él cuando él era apenas un niñito quien le tenia miedo a la oscuridad y quien vomitava cuando veia cosas podridas y comidas mojadas ... yo estaba allí (gritándole de juego) cuando conoció a su primer amor (a una edad muy temprana) y yo la que pasaba horas tras horas con él  en el teléfono mientras hablaba sobre lo mucho que quería que su hija y esposa vinieran para donde él. Él era mi hermano. Tengo que pasar el resto de mi vida sabiendo que la mayoría de sus sueños terminaron cuando ese carro se estrelló contra esa barrera de protección. Duele. Mucho. Todo el tiempo. Quiero celebrar su vida más de lo que nadie pueda imaginar. Quiero que el siga viviendo en nuestras memorias. Quiero que él esté vivo de verdad. Quiero tantas cosas ...

Amigos y otras personas que amaban a mi hermano han preguntado: "¿Qué puedo hacer para ayudar?" La verdad es que por este momento lo mejor que pueden hacer por nosotros es darnos tiempo y espacio para hacerle frente a nuestro dolor y cuidar de los aspectos mundanos que vienen con la muerte de mi hermano.

Entiendo que para lidiar con el dolor, muchas personas necesitan para hacer algo. Algunos han hablado de apoyo financiero que—gracias por eso. No estamos diciendo que no a su oferta. Sin embargo, les pedimos que mantenga las donaciones hasta después del servicio funeral. No me siento muy cómoda escribiendo esto. No me gusta en lo absoluto. Me he pasado casi todo un día cambiando las palabras, preguntándome por qué estas palabras me hacen sentir alto tan raro. Después de muchas horas, me di cuenta de que es porque prefiero ocuparme de mis propias cosas. Pero no puedo ser tan egoísta, él no era sólo mío. El dolor no es sólo mio y de mi familia. También afecta a sus amigos. Así que nosotros (mi padre, mi hermano mayor, la esposa de Pabelo ...) les agradecemos de antemano por su ayuda.

No hemos elegido una fecha u hora, todavía. La esposa de Pabelo está trabajando de conseguir una visa humanitaria para asistir a los servicios. No estamos seguros cuánto tiempo ese trámite se tomará. Esperamos que sea pronto. Lo que sí sabemos es que habrá un dia de velación, de modo que toda su familia y amigos puedran decir adiós antes de que los restos de mi hermano sean incinerados, por sus deseos: cenizas a las cenizas.

Una vez más, a todos los que han ofrecido ayuda monetaria, les pedimos que se esperen hasta un tiempo después. Lo que necesitamos en este momento, es que todo el mundo se acuerde que Nicole perdió a su padre, mi papá perdió a su hijo menor, Emely perdió a su esposo, yo perdí a mi hermanito ... Por favor, piensen en eso antes de quejarse sobre el tipo de servicio que hemos elegido o antes de acusarnos de "hacer cosas inhumanas" a sus restos ... Ya perdimos a Pabelo. No nos perdamos el uno al otro, también. Eso le habría borrado la sonrisa de la cara de mi hermano.

17 comments:

  1. Very beautifully written sweetheart. I'm sure whatever happens you will do your brother proud. XXX

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    1. I want to think that. That he would be proud of me, of all of us.

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  2. Holding you and yours in my heart my friend, Oma Linda

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    1. Allowing myself to be held. Relaxing in your heart, in your warmth.

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  3. Beautifully written, and for what it's worth his wishes should come first, then family, then friends. So if he wants to be cremated then so be it and it is not "inhuman". {HUGS} Sweetie I'm so sorry for you I wish I could do more to help you xoxo

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    1. The only inhuman thing would be to act like a pack of selfish animals without the insight to understand that our wants aren't the only ones that matter. I think we are getting better. I'm hoping we get even better yet.

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  4. MAGALY SOLAMENTE USTEDES SABEN QUE ES LO MEJOR QUE SE DEBE HACER,PABELO ESTARA DE ACUERDO CON LO QUE USTEDES HAGAN HAY MUCHAS OPINIONES SIN PREGUNTARSE QUE ES LO MEJOR PARA USTEDES.PABELO ERA NUESTRO AMIGO Y HERMANO PERO LO QUE DEBEN TOMAR DESICIONES SON SUS FAMILIAS,DIOS LOS VENDIGA A TODOS Y LE DE FUERZA,

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    1. Muchas gracias. Como me encantaría que otros se dieran cuenta de lo mismo.

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  5. Inhumane?! Words don't fail me, but an attempt at civility precludes the use of adjectives. I hope things work out with the humanitarian visa. Such a tragic loss, yet some insist on inserting their ego into all :( I hope you feel your brothers' embrace, as you follow his wishes.

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    1. Sometimes I wonder how some people can rationalize such nastiness. Best is not to dwell on it, and rather think about those who embrace us in their warmth.

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  6. My love and prayers for you and the family sweetie!

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  7. Ah, Magaly - many prayers, many sympathies, many blessings. Dragon and I lost some of those dear to us in recent years and in some cases there has not been a chance to grieve. Dragon never got to say goodbye to either of his grandfathers or his uncle... I was not able to be involved with my grandfather's funeral. I was not able to be part of it - I stood on the sidelines like any other bystander. I pray most dearly that you are free to grieve and come out on the other side, and that you have your chance to say your goodbyes the way you need to. I know you know this, but strength never precludes tears. I pray for peace for you and your family. Without darkness there can be no light, and I hope that the light shines brightly in this dark time for you and your family. And don't you listen to those who are thinking and acting only selfishly. Your heart is for your brother and those he left behind, and that's where it belongs. Much love.

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    1. I'm yet to grieve or say goodbye in the way I need to. There have been small bursts here and there, and times when I let myself cry for a while, but I'm still struggling with the mundane bits of the loss. It's so much. I'm sorry you didn't get to say goodbye, it's one of the things that hurts most: to know that my sister-in-law and my niece didn't get that chance either. And that some of the ones who were able to attend made such a mess of it all.

      I'm hoping for the life charging days of spring...

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    2. As with all things, time. Spring comes.

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