Following Someone Else’s Dream Can Lead to Nightmarish Heartbreak…


…so my policy on heart following has always been to fly purposely after my own wants and visions. This doesn’t mean that two, or even five, people cannot share the same dream. It happens. And it’s glorious when it does. But forcing our lovely hearts to trail behind someone else’s desires is not always an easy thing to do, or something that should be done at all.

Sometime back I wrote about moving on and leaving behind someone who used to be important to me; let’s call him Trifle for clarity’s sake. Anyway, recently, a person I love—and who continues to have a relationship with Trifle—contacted me to say that Trifle needs financial help. Trifle doesn’t work. In the past, those of us who used to care about Trifle tried to set up a business for him.

 A dream venture, if I say so myself: we would buy wholesale merchandise for Trifle to sale, and he could keep all the profit. The idea was that after a couple of years, Trifle would make enough money to stock the shop on his own. Trifle said he did not want to do that kind of work. He doesn’t have a mortgage, or property taxes to pay; there are utility bills and medication and such, but that’s all. Trifle is young; with a bright mind that has always been able to come up with good plots… and horrific plots. The latter was what made me walk away.

I feel bad for the person who called me to say that Trifle needs help. She is wonderful, with a heart that doesn’t fit in her chest, and I love her. It hurts me to say no. But I must. My words might sound harsh, but I can’t allow others to harm me (to use me!) by default. I wish I could enlighten the person in question, but a few decades of living have taught me that no one learns with someone else’s head.

The person who called me dreams of making everybody happy; she lives to provide and serve. I’m no stranger to wanting to help “even those who don’t deserve it.” Still, I refuse to assist someone who doesn’t only bite the hand that feeds him but also curses the souls who have spent most of their lives working to bring him comfort. If you’ve been on my position, you understand how difficult it is to stand on this spot.

Doing the right thing doesn’t always leave the heart feeling right, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t the right thing to do. I’m angry; disappointed in someone who was supposed to have made me proud. In pain because I’m hurting a heart I love more than I can say. I wish things were different, but as every witchy soul knows wishing isn’t always enough.    

Send me bright warming thoughts, my Wicked Luvs, for I’m being drenched by darkness and the tears are raining cold.
    via
Share |

49 comments:

  1. I had a friend, who I knew since my childhood, who made a very big, ugly mistake in her life.She didn't tell me about her problem, like at all. I was very open with her, telling about my Indian love..and then..when I got to know her thing, I suddenly felt so distant from her, so much hurt. I stopped talking to her not because I was ashamed or disgusted, but because I felt she actually was using me, for a long time. I know she is happy now, got married, and I see dreams about her sometimes, and I want to cry. But I know that I'm out of her life as well as she is out of mine. It happens. We can't keep all our relations alive during our life, we can't keep people attached to us. We have to let them go, because we build our own life.
    I think that your NO to that dear friend of yours is a sacrifice which you have to make in order to make achieve balance, you can't give yourself away again and again to those who don't even bother about their own existence.
    Please, don't cry and leave the dark thoughts, the sunshine is just about to come.. It's already there, making another up cycled table, or listening to your quite (or loud) :) spells...and more, loving you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Betrayal from those we trust hurts more than anything. Almost as much as seen someone you care about hurt, and knowing you are powerless to help. What happen between your friend and you sounds horrible. And you are right, "NO" and moving on is the only option sometimes.

      Delete
    2. Hope you better now, seeing so many nice comment we left while visiting your cyber cottage :) Have a nice day, Magaly! Bad thoughts away! Good to welcome!

      Delete
    3. Way better and moving forward... slowly at first, but still moving. Hugs, my friend ;-)

      Delete
  2. Trifle, reminds me of my uncle. He always messed up, owes people money, and expected from my mom(he is my dad's big brother) and my grandmom to bail him out. For decades he would live this way, expecting other people to help him while being ungrateful and bringing misery into our lives. At some point my mom had to walk away and so did his son and eventually his wife. This whole situation still makes me sad and angry, but i believe my mom should have stopped enabling him years ago.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nothing like sharing our DNA with parasites. I wonder why it takes us so long to see it. Okay, maybe I don't wonder. It is just easier to think that we are wrong; seeing things... it makes us feel less silly, I guess.

      Delete
  3. Sending you huge, big hugs sweetie!! I know this pain and you are on the right path. There are many who are dreamers..they need to learn to dream is fine but to live is necessary with your whole being..not just your heart. Best wishes hun...another for good measure.
    SueAnn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And living with my whole being means walking away from people who want to suck my life away. Thanks for the hugs; all of them ;-)

      Delete
  4. I have so many different feelings and thoughts about this Trifle guy...

    1. Ungratefulness is very ugly, but I firmly believe that ones parents/ guardians have a responsibility to teach you these things, not to continuously enable ones bad behavior. (It's not just Trifle's fault.)

    2. I have always been in pain, and my parents have chipped in a little now and again when I have had an especially hard time. This to me is love, and to recognize that not everyone is capable of always taking care of themselves without some help. (Trifle might have some emotional and/or psychological issues? Then he should get help with those, not with his crazy monetary adventures.)

    3. Some people are just users, sociopaths basically. Unfortunately almost everyone who crosses paths with them will be left damaged, robbed or used in some way. Best thing is just to stay clear. (I feel sorry for your friend, who loves Trifle.)

    Lastly: At different points in my life I have also left certain people, or groups of people, behind because I felt the relationship was damaging to me. Sometimes it doesn't matter what is right and what is wrong, YOU and your own wellbeing has to come first in YOUR life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are so right, enabling is very much like love, it takes two. I wish I had seen it earlier, but it happens to the best of us. Eventually, we figure out that Me comes before Them.

      Delete
  5. Letting go is so painfully difficult. And so is tough love. Good luck standing by your "No"; you have done the right thing, and owe no apologies, explanations or justifications. Hugs from Robin.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I stopped apologizing some time back, but it still pisses me off. I guess I need to get to the point where it inspires no emotions. I doubt I will ever get there, truly there, but one can hope ;-)

      Delete
  6. No one can "save" another person either. I think your sincere good wishes to Trifle are sufficient.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Isn't that the truth. Only we can do that, and first we need to understand what we need saving from. Good wishes, indeed...

      Delete
  7. "May the dogs of the sun gobble up all your sorrows so they may be burnt away"
    Here's some Bahama warmth for you, dear. http://lovelightandwine.blogspot.com/2013/02/love-and-lightness-of-heart-for-my.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. “dogs of the sun…”? they sound like they mean hot business, so I’ll let them munch the gloom away ;-)

      Delete
    2. Made more sense after looking at the picture, didn't it? LOL. I hope you are feeling better today. I am one like your friend...or, rather, I WAS. I am learning to take better care of me, and we HAVE to do that. Otherwise the Trifles of the world will drain us dry.

      Delete
  8. I'm sorry that your heart feels bruised. That being said, your big-hearted friend needs to learn to help those who want to be helped, who are willing to meet her half-way. I hope she picks this up *fast*. Trifle sounds like a spoiled brat, similar to my (soon to be former) soninlaw. At 25 his priority is to play video games. His idea of job search is to find local armed security jobs which pay him a minimum of 12-15 an hour, because that is what he thinks he is worth. Two years ago Grandchild #1s' Papi suggested computer training & a way to get it free. Soninlaw was, & remains, highly insulted that *that* person thinks that he needs help finding a job...esp. one he doesn't consider cool enough. (working a club as a part-time bouncer is cool, computer geek w/hrs. & pay isn't) It took my daughter almost 2 yrs. to see this lazy, spoiled brat for what he is...her credit rating has tanked & she is more of self-centered git than when she first married him. Even his family has tired of his 15 yr old antics, but they still enable his behavior. You're right, Magaly, time to cut your losses (at least until he wakes up to reality). You've worked too hard on you & yours to be sunk by Trifle.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sometimes I wonder what goes on in some people's head. Is it that they can't see the world like it really is? Seriously, how can one have so little shame, so little self-worth... be so little? It's exasperating. But you're right, I've worked too hard on being me to let anyone push me into becoming someone else.

      Delete
  9. With situations such as this, and I encounter many.. At the end of the day you just have to sit down with yourself, sweep your soul of negativity, light candles of clarity and purity and ask yourself, "Does this sit well with my soul? Is this who I am? Would my help to "so n' so" be hurtful to me? What is best for my soul?" - There is no need to extinquish your light to help someone else. "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." (Gandhi) I believe we all have a responsibility to do this, even Trifle, and perhaps, especially, Trifle.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know what? I will make some candles. Bring some light into the day, and push the uglies away ;-)

      Delete
  10. You can only rescue someone so many times. After that you just have to step back and let them sink because otherwise they will continue to drain you until they have used you up. then they will discard you and leech onto someone else. It doesn't make you a hard or terrible person to say no to someone. I hope your friend learns this lesson.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just wish that others could step back, too. I know how silly that sounds, but I get frustrated when I see it happening and I can't do a thing to change it. I guess I'm talking about it, venting, and that helps ;-)

      Delete
  11. Hugs to you. And Flynn sends her doggie hug! Unfortuately my 3 cats refuse to hug anyone, but I'm sure in their little furball hearts they understand. A person has to hit rock bottom before they can get up on their own Magaly. Easy for me to say, hard for you to accept I know - but you are doing the right thing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cats are born to be worshiped, so just knowing they understand make me feel very fortunate lol.

      Now, I'm hoping that hitting rock bottom doesn't leave them alone and with a broken neck.

      Delete
  12. At some point, help ceases to be help and becomes enabling. That's how I've always explained it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Enabling is such a nasty word. Maybe because the truth hurts *sigh* It took me a while to see it, but I have. It still sucks dishwater...

      Delete
  13. Magaly, I am so sorry you are going through this! I am very proud of you for saying no and sticking to it! I know it's hard! I am sending you bright warm thoughts my friend ;o) Big Hugs ;o)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It seems that the passing of the hours, the days... is making things feel better. My shoulders are relaxing, I'm breathing ;-)

      Delete
  14. You know, I'm all about following your gut....hearts can be soft...but guts see enough sh*t, they know when to walk away....

    It doesn't make it easy, though, I know....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There is something about how the gut takes things, isn't it? A right combination of brain and gut keeps the heart pumping. Not easy, but doable and necessary. Sometimes that needs to be enough... ;-)

      Delete
  15. I'm sorry to hear this decision has hurt you. I've been in your shoes before and there comes a time where you have to take your hands off a situation and that person has to decide to stand on their own two feet. It's painful to see someone you care about hurting - but we are not responsible for the choices another person makes - and the sooner they learn that actions (or inaction) have consequences, the better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm hoping that the hard foot-smack of the landing will create some thickening of the skin. Or at least a few reminders. If not, well... life happens, right? ;-)

      Delete
  16. I'm sorry this happened. I've lost friends and been betrayed before, but it was never something quite like this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I tell myself that life is about loss and gain. Maybe this is just an exchange, you know? Something ugly living to leave space for something wonderful.

      Delete
    2. I also sometimes tell myself that we can't fully appreciate the good things unless we also know just how bad pain can be. I'm not sure how much that thought actually helps, but I still sometimes try to remind myself of it.

      And hey, maybe your refusal to help will open up your friend's eyes to what sort of person Trifle is. One can hope.

      Delete
    3. Just like the concept of not being able to truly appreciate money until you have to pay your one bills. Trifle needs to learn responsibility.

      Delete
  17. "Helping" someone like (financially or otherwise) that does not help them. It does not force them to stand on their own feet and change their habits. Sometimes we have to be goddess-like by dropping those people on their butts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "goddess-like," huh? I like the sound of that. I enjoy the fact that goddesses really work in mysterious ways, they just do. Maybe that's what it takes to get things done... ;-)

      Delete
  18. I guess this is the kind of situation that the phrase "cruel to be kind" was invented for, but you are not being cruel. He is a grown up, time for him to prove it. I/we have helped many people over the years, but I never hesitate to say no if I feel someone needs to get on with their own life. Saying no is helping too. Smile pretty witch, your soul is pure :D XXX

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My sage Gina, you've made me smile. You are right, "Saying no is helping too." Like when we tell a child not to touch something hot or jump of a neck-braking height... it just need to be done. Let's hope this child listen... eventually ;-)

      Delete
  19. "Feed a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach a man to fish and he has a trade and eats for life." Words to live by.

    The world was not built on good intentions Magaly. You have already done enough. People think they are helping but sometimes we become enablers without even knowing it.

    Hope your day is a little sunnier,
    Sue

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good old parables can always teach a thing or two. I guess some people need to be allowed to go hungry for a while until they appreciate the value of fishing for themselves.

      Delete
  20. Been there, it's uncomfortable, but sometimes the kindest thing we can do for another is to say NO. I send you love and light to chade the shadows away. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Uncomfortable and then some. Feeling proud because you are standing for yourself, but feeling bad because you are hurting someone who doesn't deserve the pain... *sigh* uncomfortable... but there is light ;-)

      Delete
  21. I'm really starting to think that there is something wrong with my birthday. You are the second person to tell me of dark feelings. I was very very depressed. My birthday is cursed and that is not good. Sigh. Warm feelings sweetie!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was in the dumps for your birthday, that blows. I'm sorry you were depressed, guess we'll have to celebrate on a different day. We'll party on your un-birthday ;-)

      Delete
  22. I've been letting this one stew for a few days. I don't really have much to offer here. I hope your friend figures it out. *hugs* to you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hugs are always good after a good stew. Hopefully, we have air conditioner ;-)

      Delete