…so my policy on heart following has always been to fly purposely after my own wants and visions. This doesn’t mean that two, or even five, people cannot share the same dream. It happens. And it’s glorious when it does. But forcing our lovely hearts to trail behind someone else’s desires is not always an easy thing to do, or something that should be done at all.
Sometime back I wrote about moving on and leaving behind someone who used to be important to me; let’s call him Trifle for clarity’s sake. Anyway, recently, a person I love—and who continues to have a relationship with Trifle—contacted me to say that Trifle needs financial help. Trifle doesn’t work. In the past, those of us who used to care about Trifle tried to set up a business for him.
A dream venture, if I say so myself: we would buy wholesale merchandise for Trifle to sale, and he could keep all the profit. The idea was that after a couple of years, Trifle would make enough money to stock the shop on his own. Trifle said he did not want to do that kind of work. He doesn’t have a mortgage, or property taxes to pay; there are utility bills and medication and such, but that’s all. Trifle is young; with a bright mind that has always been able to come up with good plots… and horrific plots. The latter was what made me walk away.
I feel bad for the person who called me to say that Trifle needs help. She is wonderful, with a heart that doesn’t fit in her chest, and I love her. It hurts me to say no. But I must. My words might sound harsh, but I can’t allow others to harm me (to use me!) by default. I wish I could enlighten the person in question, but a few decades of living have taught me that no one learns with someone else’s head.
The person who called me dreams of making everybody happy; she lives to provide and serve. I’m no stranger to wanting to help “even those who don’t deserve it.” Still, I refuse to assist someone who doesn’t only bite the hand that feeds him but also curses the souls who have spent most of their lives working to bring him comfort. If you’ve been on my position, you understand how difficult it is to stand on this spot.
Doing the right thing doesn’t always leave the heart feeling right, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t the right thing to do. I’m angry; disappointed in someone who was supposed to have made me proud. In pain because I’m hurting a heart I love more than I can say. I wish things were different, but as every witchy soul knows wishing isn’t always enough.
Send me bright warming thoughts, my Wicked Luvs, for I’m being drenched by darkness and the tears are raining cold.Share |