My mind feeds on creativity, but my heart finds strength in action. I have never been one to live my life by “what if…” philosophies. I do what needs to be done.
Those three sentences answer many of the questions I’ve received these last couple of weeks. A friend asked, “If things didn’t work out with Jacob, twice before, then why try again?” The only person who knew about my romantic quandary for as long as it existed didn’t have to ask a thing. She just knew. “You won’t be able to have a full life with any other man, if Jacob and you have had no closure,” she said to me once.
That much I knew about myself and my situation. Sometime back, when the Piano Man and I first discussed marriage, I told him that I first needed to meet with Jacob face-to-face. He agreed. I made all the arrangements to meet my ex. A few months went by and I didn’t meet Jacob after all. I was sure we were over… Then something important happened in our lives, we spoke on the phone, and I was no longer sure of anything.
I am the most monogamous person I know. So when Jacob’s words stayed in my head after our conversation, I was cautious. If I’m thinking about him, I told myself, then there was something there. I told the Piano Man. He was upset. We cried, and then cried some more. I was scared, and so was he. “You should see him,” he told me. He must’ve seen the surprise in my eyes because he added, “I love you, and I want you to be happy. I would rather be the one to make you happy, but I want you happy all the same, even if it’s not with me. I believe in you, Magaly. Go do what you need to do. But he better make you fucking happy.”
People who love me (and knew about the dilemma) suggested that I should get a place, be on my own for a few months—clear my head, think about my life and happiness, about the things that matter, meet Jacob, make a decision… Those were great recommendations, and might have worked for someone with a little less Magaly-fire in her heart. Not for me. I need to do things on my own time (which means right away) and in my own way (which means examine the cliff, jump, and figure out what do about the sharp rocks on my way down…); not always the best of strategies, but the one that is best for me.
So I jumped head first, and with a car full with my things rushing after me…
I had no idea if the jagged rocks were going to rip me apart, so I told everyone who mattered that I wasn’t coming back to New York. Ever; regardless of what happened in the Midwest. I didn’t think it was fair to ask anyone to wait for a maybe. I don’t half-ass anything I do, my Wicked Luvs. When I went to meet Jacob, I took body, soul and everything I could shove into my MINI Cooper. Life isn’t truly lived, if we don’t give everything every time.
I gave my relationship with Jacob a third try because with life, like with stories, we must flesh things out. If we don’t, the undeveloped “what ifs” will haunt us, and our tale will die screaming.
So… with a smile in my heart, I thank those of you who have taken the time to tell me that you have been worried about me. Trust that I am all right. The past few months were tough, but enlightening:
- Jacob and I found closure.
- I took wife back.
- I won’t ever have to analyze my life, and say, “What if…” because I’ve lived the possibilities ;-)
I am a different Witch; I examine the cliff, jump,
and figure out what do about the sharp rocks on my way down...
My life isn’t always easy, or clear, or conventional (thank goodness for that!), but it is mine and I LOVE it.
for my Wicked Darlings and for me
the words and arrangement were inspired by my witchy life and by my reading of A Different Witch
click HERE to read my review