And then They Haunt You…


My mind feeds on creativity, but my heart finds strength in action. I have never been one to live my life by “what if…” philosophies. I do what needs to be done.

Those three sentences answer many of the questions I’ve received these last couple of weeks. A friend asked, “If things didn’t work out with Jacob, twice before, then why try again?” The only person who knew about my romantic quandary for as long as it existed didn’t have to ask a thing. She just knew. “You won’t be able to have a full life with any other man, if Jacob and you have had no closure,” she said to me once.

That much I knew about myself and my situation. Sometime back, when the Piano Man and I first discussed marriage, I told him that I first needed to meet with Jacob face-to-face. He agreed. I made all the arrangements to meet my ex. A few months went by and I didn’t meet Jacob after all. I was sure we were over… Then something important happened in our lives, we spoke on the phone, and I was no longer sure of anything.

I am the most monogamous person I know. So when Jacob’s words stayed in my head after our conversation, I was cautious. If I’m thinking about him, I told myself, then there was something there. I told the Piano Man. He was upset. We cried, and then cried some more. I was scared, and so was he. “You should see him,” he told me. He must’ve seen the surprise in my eyes because he added, “I love you, and I want you to be happy. I would rather be the one to make you happy, but I want you happy all the same, even if it’s not with me. I believe in you, Magaly. Go do what you need to do. But he better make you fucking happy.”

People who love me (and knew about the dilemma) suggested that I should get a place, be on my own for a few months—clear my head, think about my life and happiness, about the things that matter, meet Jacob, make a decision… Those were great recommendations, and might have worked for someone with a little less Magaly-fire in her heart. Not for me. I need to do things on my own time (which means right away) and in my own way (which means examine the cliff, jump, and figure out what do about the sharp rocks on my way down…); not always the best of strategies, but the one that is best for me. 

So I jumped head first, and with a car full with my things rushing after me…

I had no idea if the jagged rocks were going to rip me apart, so I told everyone who mattered that I wasn’t coming back to New York. Ever; regardless of what happened in the Midwest. I didn’t think it was fair to ask anyone to wait for a maybe. I don’t half-ass anything I do, my Wicked Luvs. When I went to meet Jacob, I took body, soul and everything I could shove into my MINI Cooper. Life isn’t truly lived, if we don’t give everything every time.

I gave my relationship with Jacob a third try because with life, like with stories, we must flesh things out. If we don’t, the undeveloped “what ifs” will haunt us, and our tale will die screaming.

So… with a smile in my heart, I thank those of you who have taken the time to tell me that you have been worried about me. Trust that I am all right. The past few months were tough, but enlightening:
   - Jacob and I found closure.
   - I took wife back.
   - I won’t ever have to analyze my life, and say, “What if…” because I’ve lived the possibilities ;-)
         
I am a different Witch; I examine the cliff, jump, 
and figure out what do about the sharp rocks on my way down...
My life isn’t always easy, or clear, or conventional (thank goodness for that!), but it is mine and I LOVE it.
 for my Wicked Darlings and for me
for the February entry of The Artful Readers Club and to stay Creative Every Day
the words and arrangement were inspired by my witchy life and by my reading of A Different Witch
click HERE to read my review

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46 comments:

  1. You are one crazy witch...and we love you for it :D XXX

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  2. "crazy" has never sounded so good ;-)

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  3. I don't know the history behind this as have only recently 'met' you thanks to the Artful Readers Club, but I've got to say you write beautifully and I wish you all the best with life, love and those sharp rocks!

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    1. Thanks for the good wishes, light is good specially when coming from newly found 'friends' ;-)

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  4. You do write so beautifully, with heart and soul. I wish every jagged rock to melt away before you. x

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    1. I will sing to them and make them all soft and warm for my landing ;-)

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  5. I figured you would do what worked for you. Though I have wondered if you finished your classes and photo course before you left NY. Go for it and enjoy!

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    1. Life shouldn't be forced to do things it doesn't want to, right? Unless the things are ridiculous, then we must do some reshaping. I didn't finished the class, but guess what? The photographer whose class I was taking asked me if I wanted to apprentice at his studio! I will give him a call in the spring, after I settle down. Again ;-)

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    2. So you and Jacob are not together?

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  6. Closure is always good. Live life on your own terms! Where are you headed to now?

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    1. It feels like breathing and breathing again and tasting sweet living air. I'm in NYC again. Excited about catching up with family and friends. And with museums, and libraries, and parks, and...

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  7. I would probably have done something pretty similar in your situation. I don't like living with "what ifs".

    I want to ask where you're going next, but I suspect you'll answer that in your own time.

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    1. "What ifs" suck dish water, so I'm not too fond of them. I'm in New York. Shall talk more about that soon, as you already predicted ;-)

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  8. nice...its good if you can work out life to where you dont have what ifs to haunt you....good on you for knowin what was best for you and pursuing...great to see you today as well...smiles.

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    1. "smiles" right back at you. And you know what? You are right, it feels good to know (at least for now) exactly what way to take. The details shall work themselves out during the journey...

      It was good to see you, too ;-)

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  9. I'm happy you have closure sweetie!

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    1. Closure tastes like frosting.

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  10. Now I understand it better.Why you did that, because you had to try and see.I'm happy that you don't regret and content with your decision.
    I tried too: to come to India, meet my boy and marry him, leave my parents far away, live in a totally different family..I have sometimes such thoughts what if I didn't do all these? Would I have been a more happy girl? In some things yes, in some - no.
    Because when I imagine being without my D, I can't imagine it. However, I have certain issues here, which bother me and haunt me. But I'm afraid of trying more.
    So I really applaud your strength, Magaly, and your daring witchy personality.:)

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    1. Some steps are harder to take than others. Some are so terrifying that we spent months, years... wondering if we should. Some of those hard and terrifying decisions must be made or we go stagnant. Someone who went across the world for love understand that stagnant is not an option. It kills. It stinks. And it does it painfully. I applaud you, right back ;-)

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    2. Thanks, Magaly :) I always look forward to your replies, I know i will find something good for myself in them.
      Have a nice new week!
      Anna

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  11. Finding yourself is always fabulous ~ especially when you never lost it to begin with. *smile*

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    1. And finding out that you were never lost is even best. Oh, how wise you are ;-)

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  12. Strong, brave, beautiful woman, I wishing you much happiness, wherever the road leads you, jagged rocks be damned.

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    1. Thanks for the happy wishes. I shall drink them, feast on them, and fly full of joy--those rocks won't know what hit them ;-)

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  13. I agree, throw yourself out there and see what happens. I used to live with as much fire as you do. Then something happened to me, and now I miss the old me.
    May I ask; Are you back with Pianoman, or are you living the single life now?

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    1. I'm almost sure the old you is just there waiting to be caressed into the surface. You and my dad sound sooo much alike it's almost funny. He asked me, "I wonder what [Piano Man is doing]. I really love that boy." lol

      Right now, I'm just living ;-)

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  14. OK, just read 3 posts, reading the broken glass (great glass by the way!) thinking, so something's cracked... :( ... the next post, well... thinking, 'fuck a duck' 'shit a brick' and other rhyming crude declarations ;)... but gotta tell you, that piece of posted word treasure is awesome, heartfelt, emotionally raw & totally inspired prose by a woman who grabs life by the short & curlies & lives it to the full... the fact Jacob inspired that creative gem means he has done something worthwhile, because Magaly that is one hell powerful bit of life, wisdom and talent you shared in that post. This post (?) well, like the pianoman, I hoped if you changed your life to be with Jacob he would make you 'fucking happy' too (ahh we all love you)... there was some of that, so for a bit, he did... but he did something better than that... and it's longterm... he made you free, you got closure, no more 'what ifs' :)

    Don't worry about that cliff either Magaly... you got a broom babe, you can fly :)

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    1. No one puts it like you, my Shelle. I am free. It feels good to write that. Free. Yum.

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  15. Whether with or without..stay true to yourself!! Then never look back and move forward with knowledge and wisdom!
    Hugging you
    SueAnn

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    1. I've had to look back once or twice in order to stay true to myself, but you are right, I will never do it to please another (if it is unpleasing to me). I will hold on to the "knowledge and wisdom" of the sage souls that fly around me ;-)

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  16. Y'know, if you pack a paraglider, you don't need to worry about the sharp rocks below ;) Safe travels, wherever you go, wicked weather is afoot!

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    1. Paraglider is packed and in use. The wind is on my face, and the past blurring away ;-)

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  17. As long as you are happy and you have closure, that is the main thing ;o) Hugs ;o)

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    1. I am happy, and I am myself. So I guess "the main thing" has been taken cared of ;-)

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  18. You don't know unless you try.

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    1. And I tried. And I know. I'm glad ;-)

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  19. Live fiercely, love wholeheartedly, know completely....I agree, the only way to wring every drop out of life!

    I'm proud of you....

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    1. Living life half-assedly will leaves the heart stinky and eternally wanting to wash. I'm wringing, my friend. Thanks for being here for me ;-)

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  20. You are such a strong and beautiful woman. I so admire your flaming Aries heart and your ability to jump the abyss into the unknown, because somewhere, in the back of that brilliantly creative mind, you know the truth is all that will set you free, and the "what if's" of life have no place for you. I am so glad you have closure and hope that your heart mends in peace very soon. Be good to you sweetie.

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    1. You know, when this journey started, a few months ago, I remember a short-haired beauty who told me that she didn't have the best of feelings about the whole thing, but that I should do what I needed to do and she would stand by me. I'm lucky, brave, and Aries-hearted, but that's made easy because I have the best of friends ;-)

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  21. "What ifs" suck terribly, but they do have their redeeming qualities. Sometimes you never see the path that's covered with leaves and debris without that little question buzzing around in your skull. I gave in to it myself and I can't remember the last time I felt such at peace and whole before. You are a beautiful and inspiring woman, Magaly and my heart sings at the fact you have closure. Life is beautiful when we set ourselves free =)

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    1. We can't know what's under the mess if we don't do a bit (or a lot) of cleaning, right? I like the feeling that fills my heart after having done a LOT of cleaning ;-)

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  22. I'm sorry that it didn't work out for you and Jacob, but at least you gave it a go with all your heart and soul...now you won't be sitting back in your "mature" age thinking shat could have been, now you have closure....
    Even though I supported you through your decisions, I must admit I did prefer The Piano Man!!
    You are a wonderful, strong woman Magaly and we all love you for it - AND - whatever you decide, whatever you do - we will support you and be there for you.
    Blessings to you my friend xxx

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    1. You just made me roar. I love your honesty--you remind me of one of my good friends. She told me, "I don't want to say that I told you so, but I love enough not to feel remorse when my gloating is good for you. So, I told you so."

      I'm glad you prefer the Piano Man, for he is a great man. The best. It seems you aren't the only one who prefers him. Blessings, right back you ;-)

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  23. I am glad that you found your closure. I admit I was surprised about all this, but I am so happy for you and that you are going bacck to NY. Wish you luck in your new life in the attic :)

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    1. Thanks for the good wishes. Closure tastes good in the mouth ;-)

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