Sometimes I Need to Hurt in Private…


…the same is true about healing.

I want to thank everyone who sent energy and get-well wishes after I shared this update. I’m sending extra hugs to those who emailed me privately, to say, “I’m here if you need an ear in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep. No one should have to hurt alone.”

Some of my closest friends sent concerned threatening messages, saying that the next time I “sat at home in pain, with my hip about to explode and my shoulder on fire, and I didn’t call anyone, [they] would come to get [me] out of [my] misery by beating [me] on the head with my laptop until [my] flesh fell to the ground and [my] subconscious screamed in agony.” Yes, I have very creative (and mildly vicious) friends. But they mean well, I think… and they always make me laugh.

To them and to everyone reading, I will say that sometimes I do need to hurt and heal alone. I’m almost sure that this feeling is common to most persons who have a severe injury or a condition that causes them chronic pain; something that keeps them from leading a life of complete independence. 

The last week and a half were tough on me. Everything hurt. And that was okay. I’m used to it, but… every now and then something tiny pushes me to the edge. You see, my hip and shoulder don’t keep me from doing the big girl things: I can drive, walk, run, swim (without using my right arm)… but I can no longer do push-ups or pull-ups (that always beats on my Marine heart), I can’t lift more than 5 lbs. with my right arm, I can’t push the vacuum, I can’t sit on a regular chair, I can’t open a jar without assuming a really strange position…

The other day, the chair thing got to me…

Jacob customized a bar stool for me, so he and I can eat together at our special table. But there is no chair that works for when we have visitors and want to eat at the dining room. This usually doesn’t bother me. I tend to just stand or sit on my usual spot… The other day, we had company and I didn’t feel like standing up or sitting by myself, so I sat at the table (Yes, I, too, can be quite the dumbass). In a few minutes, a pinch nerve that lives somewhere between my left hip, leg and upper back told me that I wasn’t in charge of my body anymore.

The torment lasted about eight days, maybe nine…

I was angry at my recent lack of judgment, at my body for not doing what I wanted it to, at Fate for putting me in the path that led to the ruination of my hip and shoulder, at myself for being such an idiot and (temporarily) forgetting about how lucky I am to be alive… so I had to take time and space to let myself hurt and heal a little… alone (not lonely because Jacob refuses to go away). I needed privacy to bring myself to that place, within Magaly, where I understand that I am blessed to still have myself to love and to be loved.

When I’m not in my perfect place, it is very easy for me to mistake concern for pity. And the latter is the worst thing in the world to get from loved ones, when I can do nothing to better my circumstances.

I can’t control a lot of things in my life, but I give myself license to hurt on my own terms: to say nasty things that I don’t mean (without hurting those I love)… to glare at my aches… to turn my hip into a character and shoot it in the face so that it knows pain… to ramble about nonsense that no one will hear… and most important, to take myself back to that place where it is okay to laugh at how ridiculously funny these reasons seem now that I’m no longer in unbearable pain.
 Yes, I’m wearing nothing but a scarf, my pentacle, a pair of bone earrings and a HUGE smile. Why? you ask. Why not? I say. I have great ears that don’t hurt. And I wanted to show you that Jacob and I haven’t spent the last few months just screwing around. If you look over my shoulder, behind the Crone and the frog reaching for the moon, you can see the wall we built last week. It needs painting. *cough, cough*

Share |

45 comments:

  1. "to turn my hip into a character and shoot it in the face so that it knows pain…"

    This sounds like a very good way to deal with chronic pain.

    I'm glad you're feeling better. *hugz*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm quite glad, too ;-)

      And yes, punching your pains right in the jaw can leave a soul feeling quite renew lol

      Delete
  2. *kisses poorly bits better.....just your poorly bits mind....don't go adding anymore bits to the list* ;D XXX

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damn, I was already writing a list and getting into compromising positions ;-)

      Delete
  3. Oh...and look what just popped up on my reading list.... http://collageobsessionchallenge.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/fishes.html Might what to mail this to your little friend :D XXX

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! Got to love the fishes lol

      Delete
  4. Now that is a very cool way to "kill" off pain. I will have to remember this one...for when migraines hit me right between the eyes!
    Hugging you gently
    SueAnn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Migraines and I have been battling for a while, too. Lately, I've been winning! Hugging you right back ;-)

      Delete
  5. Ah Magaly, another thing we have in common..LOL..
    Sometimes the old bod just doesn't play fair!!
    I'm glad to see you up and about again!!
    What happened to your shoulder and hip? Were you in an accident?
    Unfortunately I was born with mine (3 curves in the spine) and my shoulders hurt from RSI at work (too much time on the computer)....but hopefully I will be able to keep it at bay with exercise!! (If I can get my sorry, lazy butt into gear!! - you would think that would be enough motivation wouldn't you!!)
    Blessings to you and may you find a chair that you can sit in for long periods of time :o)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "3 curves in the spine"? ouch. My injuries are the results of accidents while in the military, so we've been getting acquainted for quite a while. Exercise helps the rest of my body, but my hip and shoulder exist in their own twisted universe lol

      Delete
  6. Sorry to hear you've been in flare-up pain. I hope it stays away for a long time again now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope it goes away, too. It usually does. I'm blaming a lot of it on the cold, cold, cold winter--it's not accurate, but Winter doesn't complain ;-)

      Delete
  7. As someone with chronic ailments, I can relate to you on so many levels. Sometimes the pain and frustration makes you sort of irrational in your responses to people and, even though we know it's irrational and we know we don't mean to hurt anyone, we'll do it anyway. When it gets to that point, it's good to lick our wounds and heal our minds on our own.

    Love the image of turning your hip in to an entity and taking sweet revenge on it. I'm going to have to try that with my eye and my intestines next time they act up! *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would love to see a paint coated with pain--it sounds a bit morbid, huh? But I don't mean it that way. It's just that I know how the mood of my writing changes when I'm in pain, so it would be interesting to see what it does to your work ;-)

      Delete
  8. I'm not going to say, yep I read and I was silent, but yes. I am of the same Aries ilk and sympathy and pity are twins separated at birth....but come over to visit at the same time. So I do so understand. And I am glad that you have moved through the pain to less now. I hate it for you as I hate my own. I love you while you are there in that 357 magnum place but I will forever silently love and lift you. I ain't no dunce, my Momma only raised one fool and she lives about 9 miles from here. Smooches and Squoozes, Oma linda

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I feel your hands keeping me up, my Oma Linda. Many times I get up because I think of you and all the great people in my life (especially the ones who have lived and endured a lot) it's, well... uplifting ;-)

      *9 miles wide grin*

      Delete
  9. So that would be the literal pain in the ass? Kidding aside, I'm sorry you're hurting. May I ask; What happened to you, how were you injured?
    But I don't know Magaly, if I believe you when you write: "... haven't spent the last few months just screwing (around)." ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The key word is "just," my dearest... there have been breaks in between ;-)

      I was injured while in the military. My hip used to be worse than my shoulder, but it seems the shoulder catching up *sigh*

      Delete
  10. I am sorry to hear that you are still in pain. Get well soon. Good friends like that are hard to find. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Things are better now, thank goodness. Thanks for the good wishes ;-)

      Delete
  11. Uh oh. I has a pinched nerve afew years ago that abolutely paralyzed me with pain. Didn't know such unrelenting pain existed. So glad that you are on the upswing and are being careful about things. You have such a beautiful face, Magaly. I just love that photo. A smile that lights up a home is, I'm sure. what Jacob thinks!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know, I always thought I had experienced the most pain EVER the actual day I hurt my hip, but by the gods pinched nerves and muscular deterioration have changed my mind.

      And about my smile... I think what I like most, is to see my Jacob smile back. He is not huge on smiles, but my smiles and cackles make him blossom and that makes me happy, happy, happy ;-)

      Delete
  12. I am so sorry about the pain you have been in my friend!! I hope it goes away and never returns!! I love your photo! You have such a beautiful smile ;o) Love that scarf ;o) Big warm Hugs ;o)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's on its way out (the shoulder is hanging on, but I'm more stubborn that it). I know a girl who has a smile even more beautiful (she likes crows, stones and hats).

      I love the scarf, too. It was a present from my nephew from some years ago. He was so proud when he got it. And I was, too ;-)

      Delete
  13. This is a great picture!

    Sorry about the pain. Those flare ups can be hell. I hear that pinched nerves are worse than torture at a POW camp. So, I'm glad you're feeling better.

    But now, I have a question.

    Earlier you stated that you haven't been screwing around. How can I believe that when you also said that your hip let's you do all the "big girl" things? Aha!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Who said I haven't been screwing around? I would probably hurt someone if I didn't get THOSE happy stretches ;-) But I figured I should point out that I haven't been just doing it, um... that... well, you know.

      Delete
  14. Uggghhhh!! Not only are you strong willed, have strength of character and have a strong libido....but your pains are tough, too!!

    Yikes....I'm sorry! But what a feat that you spin it and get through the pain with intense self love that makes you even stronger :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Intense self-loved, especially when practiced often, makes everything better ;-)

      Delete
  15. I completely understand the need to heal alone. If I'm in pain, I really want to be left alone. Kind of drives nurses insane. And doctors too when you tell them their pain meds aren't doing anything anyway and you refuse to take anymore. You do what YOU need to in order to heal. Everyone else can just wait for you to return with that glorious sense of humor we all enjoy. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm feeling better now. A bit tired, but that's all. I will be back to 100% in a bit. World beware! lol

      Delete
  16. What a beautiful wall! I almost missed the mischievous looking witch who is blocking the cameraman's shot of the wall. :-) I hope you are in less pain now, my dear.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm back to just mild discomfort. But that's so familiar that I don't after a while I don't noticing. I'm giving myself another day before getting back to life/writing/and mayhem ;-) full time. And yes, it's a great wall!

      Delete
  17. I've been catching up and hadn't realised how you had been feeling wretched until now you poor possum :( but that bright smile on your face means you are somehow rising above it (and not just because yo've been standing up to eat dinner), you have amazing strength hope you are soon back to enjoyable painless horizontal activities you have been missing too (let's keep it clean)... PUSH-UPS!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I get quite excited about "enjoyable... horizontal activities" even if they come with a bit of pain... yes, I really love my push-ups ;-D

      Delete
  18. Oh & the wall ain't too shabby either... well done dynamic duo ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have to say that I'm amazed by the this man of mine. And the feeling growths stronger every day. I swear that he can make stuff (cool stuff) using very little. I just sit back and watch him build miracles ;-)

      Delete
  19. Oh, now I feel so guilty for not keeping up with you my friend! I'm so sorry about the pain you go through. Here's a hug and smile and my best effort at sending healing energy your way! :D YOU, dear friend, have made my day!! I received my "bits" in the mail today and the timing could not have been better!! You've outdone yourself and I LOVE what you've made, the note, etc - it is too much! Thank you!! My own creative side has been lazing around munching on Cheetos and being unproductive. Time to kick it in the @ss and get it motivated. Now that I have your address you just might receive a surprise yourself. :) PS - I am reading about Reiki to try and learn ways to deal with my own pain. Do you have any experience with it? So far I am impressed!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. PPS: I am using the bookmark in the Reiki book I'm into right now (by Christopher Penczak). I figure if your hands created the lovely (and VERY useful) treasure then perhaps the healing vibes will transport along invisible magical connections to touch you positively. ;)

      Delete
    2. I am so glad my wee bundle got there exactly when you needed it. Yay! And I can't wait to hear more about your Reiki studies (I've been not so secretly looking into it, too). I find it quite fascinating as well.

      Delete
  20. My beautiful Magaly, I am so sorry that you endure such pain and you know I DO understand. Honey, your damn right that you have every right to hurt and heal and be angry and anything else you want to do on your own terms. Living with chronic pain is one of the harshest teachers there is, and I must say that you do it with such dignity and grace, that it is inspirational. You, my strong warrior, will never be anything but a Marine whether you are still able to do a pull up or not, because your heart beats with that ancient thunder. Blessings and hugs, Mina

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, you should know that when the pain reaches nearly unbearable levels I think of you and of your strength. I tell myself that my Mina hurts pain back and lives forward. Then I can do it, too ;-)

      Delete