…the same is true about healing.
I want to thank everyone who sent energy and get-well wishes after I shared this update. I’m sending extra hugs to those who emailed me privately, to say, “I’m here if you need an ear in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep. No one should have to hurt alone.”
Some of my closest friends sent concerned
threatening messages, saying that
the next time I “sat at home in pain, with my hip about
to explode and my shoulder on fire, and I didn’t call anyone, [they] would come
to get [me] out of [my] misery by beating [me] on the head with my laptop until
[my] flesh fell to the ground and [my] subconscious screamed in agony.” Yes, I have
very creative (and mildly vicious) friends. But
they mean well, I think… and they always make me laugh.
To them and to everyone reading, I will say that sometimes I do need to hurt and heal alone. I’m almost sure that this feeling is common to most persons who have a severe injury or a condition that causes them chronic pain; something that keeps them from leading a life of complete independence.
The last week and a half were tough on me. Everything hurt. And that was okay. I’m used to it, but… every now and then something tiny pushes me to the edge. You see, my hip and shoulder don’t keep me from doing the big girl things: I can drive, walk, run, swim (without using my right arm)… but I can no longer do push-ups or pull-ups (that always beats on my Marine heart), I can’t lift more than 5 lbs. with my right arm, I can’t push the vacuum, I can’t sit on a regular chair, I can’t open a jar without assuming a really strange position…
The other day, the chair thing got to me…
Jacob customized a bar stool for me, so he and I can eat together at our special table. But there is no chair that works for when we have visitors and want to eat at the dining room. This usually doesn’t bother me. I tend to just stand or sit on my usual spot… The other day, we had company and I didn’t feel like standing up or sitting by myself, so I sat at the table (Yes, I, too, can be quite the dumbass). In a few minutes, a pinch nerve that lives somewhere between my left hip, leg and upper back told me that I wasn’t in charge of my body anymore.
The torment lasted about eight days, maybe nine…
I was angry at my recent lack of judgment, at my body for not doing what I wanted it to, at Fate for putting me in the path that led to the ruination of my hip and shoulder, at myself for being such an idiot and (temporarily) forgetting about how lucky I am to be alive… so I had to take time and space to let myself hurt and heal a little… alone (not lonely because Jacob refuses to go away). I needed privacy to bring myself to that place, within Magaly, where I understand that I am blessed to still have myself to love and to be loved.
When I’m not in my perfect place, it is very easy for me to mistake concern for pity. And the latter is the worst thing in the world to get from loved ones, when I can do nothing to better my circumstances.
I can’t control a lot of things in my life, but I give myself license to hurt on my own terms: to say nasty things that I don’t mean (without hurting those I love)… to glare at my aches… to turn my hip into a character and shoot it in the face so that it knows pain… to ramble about nonsense that no one will hear… and most important, to take myself back to that place where it is okay to laugh at how ridiculously funny these reasons seem now that I’m no longer in unbearable pain.
Yes, I’m wearing nothing but a scarf, my pentacle, a pair of bone earrings and a HUGE smile. Why? you ask. Why not? I say. I have great ears that don’t hurt. And I wanted to show you that Jacob and I haven’t spent the last few months just screwing around. If you look over my shoulder, behind the Crone and the frog reaching for the moon, you can see the wall we built last week. It needs painting. *cough, cough*