Flesh and Spirit, Not Dreams and Memories…


I’ve been rereading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Actually, Jacob has been reading it to me before we go to bed. I’m enjoying the ritual to no end, for I’ve missed the sound of his voice coaxing my thoughts into my favorite places of dreamland…

However, three or four years back, I would have eye-gouged anyone senseless enough to put that book in front of my eyes. I hated the tale; was disgusted by the lies it promised. I wanted to murder the narrator for saying that “when you really want something to happen, the whole universe conspires so that your wish comes true.” More than once, I found myself thinking, Either you [the narrator] are a lying sack of shit, or the universe is deaf and dumb. I’ve been wishing and wanting with all that I am and not getting a damn thing!

A few nights ago, I was lying in bed with my eyes closed, when Jacob read these lines:
       “And now it was only four days before he would be back in that same village. He was excited, and at the same time uneasy: maybe the girl had already forgotten him. Lots of shepherds passed through, selling their wool.
       ‘It doesn’t matter,’ he said to his sheep, ‘I know other girls in other places.’
       But in his heart he knew that it did matter. And he knew that shepherds, like seamen and like traveling salesmen, always found a town where there was someone who could make them forget the joys of carefree wandering.” 
Jacob stopped after “wandering,” and we watched each other in silence for a long while

The next day, as we shared our morning coffee, I said, “Remember last night, when you read that part about—”

“The shepherd wanting to pretend that he could be okay. That he didn’t need the girl to be himself,” Jacob finished the sentence for me. “I remember,” he said, “I was thinking about that while I watched you last night.”

I nodded, and said, “It’s so easy to interpret the meaning of things after they’ve already happened.”

We found ourselves in silence, again; not needing to say a word to know exactly what was going through our minds. He put his coffee on the table, set mine next to it, picked me up and sat me on his lap. We held each other for a long time. We’ve been doing that a lot these days—holding each other tight; waking up in the middle of the night to find the eyes we love most staring back (in mildly weird adoration ;-); making love until our spent bodies tell us that what we are feeling is flesh and spirit, not dreams and memories…

Never in my life have I been scared and at the same time reassured by the fear in another’s eyes. As that thought caressed my consciousness, Jacob told me, “I’m afraid to lose you again.” I chuckled, and he said, “What?”

I kissed him, and said, “I was just thinking the same thing.”  

Life doesn’t always make sense, my Wicked Luvs, but like Oma Linda said to me once, “My dear one, sometimes we need to let life choose the best way to share her meaning with us.”

Today is Jacob’s birthday. He asked for three presents:
1. A bath together
3. And my hand caressing his back as we fall asleep, after enjoying the 2nd present.

I love that we can take such joy in the seemingly small things…
…and in the much bigger ones, too. The ones only him and I can fully understand.


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39 comments:

  1. Anonymous11/07/2012

    You sure wake up early. :P
    Happy birthday to your Jacob.
    PS. Not only our wishes come true, but sometimes our fears as well... becareful and think positive! ;)

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    1. Wake up early? We never went to bed lol.

      Thanks for the anonymous warning; you are right, life is balanced and it comes with goodies and baddies. I stay positive, and tend to be careful; let's hope it helps ;-)

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  2. Happy Birthday Jacob! Yes our purpose in life has a way of making sure we know what it is...eventually!!
    Hugs and a toast to your happiness
    SueAnn

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    1. And once you do, life finds new ways to keep things interesting, too. It's all about dancing with her, and leading her our way every now and then.

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  3. Happy Birthday to Jacob. This post made me sniffly in a good way. So happy for your happiness.

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    1. I love it when I give you the happy sniffles. I just thought about that Enrique Iglesias song "Love to See You Cry."

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  4. Happy birthday Jacob! May your year be as full of life, love, & joy as this day is :) The last photo gives me rise to say 'Good thing he has a flexible spine' ;)

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    1. Oh, he is flexible and then some. Particular while the "some" bit is taking place *cough, cough*

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  5. I know Jacob will have a wonderful birthday today! Best wishes to you both!

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    1. He did. He didn't even go to bed. Okay, he went to bed, but he didn't sleep *teehee*

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  6. You and your love are obviously kindred spirits who have been together through the centuries in one form or another.........lovely and very rare.

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    1. Jacob just said that you are absolutely right, Wicked Faerie Queen. He just said, that we were indeed together through the centuries. According to him, "In our first life [he] was pile of crap, and I was the pretty mushroom growing on top of it." I'm still roaring!

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  7. Throwing your whole self, heart, body and soul into the early stages of connection (or reconnection) is scary. But you are both doing it....there is strength and comfort in that :)

    Happy Birthday to your Jacob.

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    1. You've said it, Cameron Luv, love of any kind at any stage is complex. We feel extra lucky because we know our uglies and our beauties and how to keep them balance.

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  8. You look and sound so happy, in love and content with each other. It would almost be making me sick if it wasn't so damn adorable ;) Happy birthday to your love!

    Though I can't stand The Alchemist! ( I won't say Coelho, because I have refused to read anything else by him, but I have heard it's the same with his other books). The men travel around, following dreams and notions. The women wait around for them to come back, to lavish them with love. Pffft!

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    1. We tend to have that effect on people... lol

      I think The Alchemist, and most of Coelho's writing, is very culturally specific. And you know how in certain cultures the women wait while the men go and slay dragons--we, now days, kill our own nightmares, so I know how you feel. I don't like that aspect of the book either. Most of the time, such motif leaves me feeling... well, "Pffft!"

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  9. Happy Happiest Jacob.
    Wrap each other up in that blanket of love.
    Oma Linda

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    1. We did a lot of wrapping, my Oma. Thanks so much for your lovely wishes ;-)

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  10. You're making us guess at what his second requested present is!

    Happy birthday to Jacob. :)

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    1. I'm pretty sure you can figure it out *wink, wink*

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  11. Magaly, that's beautiful! I can understand so well, when being with the one you actually you NEED to be with is a meaning of your life! no matter what.. and i know that fear of losing each other.. it is always there, unfortunately. My blessings to both of you!

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    1. You fear to lose only the things you love most, so I guess we are just normal people ;-)

      Blessings to you and your heart, too ;-)

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  12. Happy Birthday Jacob! Men can be easy to please on their birthday. lol - I think my husband has the same requests.

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    1. Yep, they can. Feed them, love them, repeat. Simple and enjoyable ;-)

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    2. Wisely said in short! :)

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  13. A bit late but a heartfelt ♫Happy Birthday♫ to your Jacob~♥

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    1. I just danced your happy birthday wishes to him ;-)

      You are never late at Pagan Culture, dear Sharon!

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  14. Awww I am so happy for you <3

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  15. Happy Birthday Jacob ;o) Sorry I am late! Big Hugs to both of you!

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    1. You're never late, Stacy. Specially if you bring in the hugs ;-)

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  16. You've made me smile inside and out!

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    1. I'm very glad. I'm always for smile that reach body and spirit ;-)

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  17. Happy B-day to Jacob! Mine is on the 21st, hooray for Scorpios! I love the bath thing. ;)

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    1. He just finished his birthday cake. Actually, I made it in two batches--my man eats like the super-tall and delicious beast that he is. I hope your birthday makes you as happy as Jacob's seems to have done for him. He is grinning right now, watching me type ;-)

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  18. happy birthday to jacob!
    the love & happiness that's pouring out of you...off of you...is overwhelming...contagious...
    =)

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    1. I read this comment and he has some very *cough, cough* insightful things to say about everything "that's pouring out of" me lately lol. He is such a riot ;-)

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  19. Are you clipping his finger nails?

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    1. That would be a yes to clipping Jacob's fingernails. We are like monkeys when it comes to grooming lol. I pick at him, he picks at him (we are civil enough not to eat any bits thought ;-)

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