Self-Delusion Can Be the Most Powerful of Dogmas

The following words hold difficult truths; some overt, others not so much. The overall subject might inspire solidarity and nods of agreement, for we’ve all been hurt by someone who was supposed to love us. It was a painful post to write. It’s not positive nor negative… I lived what I’m about to describe, so I can say that even after feeling all the evidence on flesh and in soul, there is always a bit of hope that one might be wrong and that the person might change. However, that kind of optimism seems to vanish after one acknowledges the truth by saying the words aloud… or by sharing them with the world.

This is not a happy post, my Wicked Luvs, so don’t read it until your heart is up to it.


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4:13 am, Thursday, Aug 9th
I’m noting the time and date of the conversation because Pagan Culture has become some kind of public journal for me; also, because the 13th has always been significant in my life; a lucky number; one that exists in-between; a marker of crossroads; a sign of change…

“You don’t come to visit me; you don’t give me another chance because you don’t trust yourself around me. You know that if you look at me again, you’ll honor me like The Word says you must. We shared too much; you loved me too much for all that to mean nothing now.” 

Self-delusion can be the most powerful of dogmas… That was the thought going through my mind as I heard the words above. That, plus an intense need for coffee; when someone calls me before the sun has stretched its rays over the land, most of what they say is clouded a little voice in my head, saying, “Um… I know you need to listen to this, but you don’t need your hands to listen, you know? Why not make some delicious French vanilla coffee and talk between blissful sips?” So I listened to the voice, and brewed something sweet, dark and yummy, as I shook my head at the caller’s nerve.

I can’t understand how anyone who shared any amount of time with me—who lived with me!—got to know me so little that they can cheat themselves into believing that they can manipulate my thinking by invoking blood, religious philosophy, or their sick understanding of love. 

I don’t think this person will ever get me or my ways, but I’ll still take the time to explain why I stay away from this individual. Nope; it’s not because I care about this being, but because the issue allows me to quote a powerful piece of writing. So here it goes:

Not So Dearest Self-Deluded Parasite,

It is not lack of self-trust that keeps me from you, but the understanding of how ruthless I can be when nice is not an option. I’ve lived enough to have learned that certain actions lead to a kind of damage that can’t be fixed… not completely, anyway. You broke things that can’t be mended. You shattered Nice and left only Mean behind. Like Merry Gentry says in A Stroke of Midnight, someone whose wisdom I respect “taught me to be nice first, because you can always be mean later, but once you’ve been mean to someone, they won’t believe the nice anymore. So be nice, be nice, until it’s time to stop being nice, then destroy them.”

You heard the same wisdom from the same person, but you laughed at it. You followed your path, and I chose mine. Your decision made you the thing you are now; a mindless common thing; someone to be pitied by anyone who doesn’t know that the bones that hold your flesh were rotten long before you embraced the shroud under which you try to mask your stench. It’s not working, by the way.  

I am a Witch… instinct… thought… I know better. I am of the Earth. Like a wild plant, I was born; I am growing; and although like with all energy, one day my flesh and essence will go back to the Nature that birthed me, I am also sentient and mobile. So unlike the flower that can’t do much about trampling feet, I can move away and leave mean behind. For destruction is not only about devastation and ruin… I won’t soil my hands or soul with you. My mode of destruction involves banishment. I was nice to you for a long, long, long and painful time… even when I was almost sure that my efforts were useless. When nice stopped working, I tried numb and that was inadequate, too. So I walked away. I expelled you from my heart, and let you decay in the lonely wretched juices of your miserable life.

My niceness failed, and your meanness succeeded in destroying what you once meant to me. So no, it is not lack of self-trust. What keeps me from you, is something below pity; something that doesn’t care for nice. So please, just let me be. Don’t inspire me to be mean. We would both dislike the outcome.

Like I said at the beginning, my Wicked Darlings, this is not a pretty post. Yet, in a balanced world there are times when nasty has to show its ugly head and glare. Then, life goes on  and so do we ;-)
It sounds a lot like madness, does it not?


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56 comments:

  1. I love you lady, because your posts are real, and I can feel every emotion in your words, you dont hide behind anything you really put yourself out there.
    You keep being you, You are amazing, don't let these types bring you down, remember its ok to feel saddness or darkness around these people but dont stay in the dark without the light on too long.
    You rock my little witchling xxx

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    1. You are right, some things just need to be done and faced, even if they are dark. Life goes ;-)

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  2. I've had to cut toxic people out of my life over the years as well. It's never fun or easy, but it is a necessity for self preservation. A lot of people are not willing to do that, especially when it's a family member. So I say bravo for sticking to your guns, and get mean if they keep bugging you.

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    1. It is a hard thing to do, not so much because of them but also because they are connected to other people you care about. Sometimes it is not as easy as just letting THEM go, you have to push away others. There is where the pain lies, but it must be done.

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    2. True, though I've gotten use to it over the years. It's in my nature to be solitary. All I need are my Dh and my children in my life and I'm happy. A call home to mom once in awhile just tops off my life. ;) Anyone else is a nice bonus but not needed.

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  3. I wish I could be strong like you.

    If he called me today and said those things I'd be on a plane before the phone hit the ground because they'd all be true.

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    1. I've been there, my friend. And because I have, I won't tell you that things will get better. Not because it isn't true, but because your heart won't listen to much--my didn't, and time has told me that you and I are very similar at the core.

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    2. LoL awe.

      I also wish I had hair like yours but I've said that a million times.

      I like how the universe conjured me a bf when I wanted one but stalwartly refuses to give me back my hair.

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    3. I think the universe is quite stingy when it comes to grant certain wishes. For instance, I've spent a lot of time wishing for the ability to spend hours writing without feeling that my shoulder and hip are going to explode, but nope, the universe is not responding *sigh*

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  4. A tough phone call to start any day with. Good thing you're a strong little witch.

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  5. Wow. That's a rough start to a day. I hope that was some premo, super-strong coffee. It sucks that people push and push and push until they push the nice out of us and force us to be mean. Then they are actually surprised when we drop the A-bomb of mean on them. You are a strong Witchy Woman. Don't let them keep you down. Sending you some calm and peace on this Monday morning.

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    1. Like, delusion is a blinding thing. Somehow they've created an image of the world that is so strange that when they finally see reality--or it is shoved in their faces--they don't recognizes. Maybe that is the reason that it drops them on their behinds.

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  6. To say that you are honest and true is a very big understatement. To say that you are wise and wonderful is absolute. I admire your stand, your explanation and your heart. When nice has been used up, mean must handle the mess. Good job.
    You are my hero dear Magaly and a model for my grands. This is such a timely piece for both of them right now as they have both "remembered" and are looking for answers. I will share with them what they will understand. Coming from you, it will hold the place in their hearts that will arm them for their future as well. Blessings, Oma Linda

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    1. I hope it helps... it took me a lot of time getting smacked around before I realized that I wasn't the problem. I know that having you and Shelley and Sweet Man will help them embrace certain truths way before I did. They are lucky to have you all.

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  7. I agree about self-delusion. I've deluded myself on more than one occasion. but I don't agree with the mean. being able to be mean, being mean, means you have mean in your heart. not a good thing to have in your heart. and what you put out there will come back to you. can being mean really make you feel good? I'm not saying be nice or subject yourself to their bullshit. but there is an alternative if you have truly walked away. when this person calls, hang up immediately. if they email, delete without reading. if they send a letter, throw it away without opening it, if they confront you in person, walk away. in this way you protect yourself and you do not add more negative energy to a world already swimming in it.

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    1. I think you misread or missed something along the way. The bit about destruction (or mean) not being all about damage, it's about walking away and leaving behind. But walking away from on individual is not as easy when this person is in the life of other people you love. I've removed the person in question from my life, but I've watched over this individual via someone else, for someone else's sake and happiness if that makes any sense. Not because I care about the person--sadly (and it does saddens me) I no longer do--mean in this case would be to erase that person completely... making others suffer, in way, because of it. I would hate what this action would do to the latter, but there are times in life when one must watch for oneself and do things one dislikes or there won't be a self to help anyone. That is what I meant by being mean.

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    2. I was curious how you would respond to this one.

      I think you are far more tactful than me :)

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    3. The world is made of many different kind of wonderful people. Some are so different from us that we might even think that we would never get along, then you look a little deeper and realize that although we are like water and oil, in the end we all just want for the vinaigrette to make the best salad possible ;-)

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  8. What a tough way to start your day, thank goodness you at least had the small bliss of coffee to help you through that conversation. I agree with you, walking away is the best in these sorts of situations. What good does it to keep something so negative around? Specially if it is someone we once loved. "At some point, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life." Remember the good time let go of the bad and know that it is the best to move on. Its probably one of the hardest things to do, at least I think so. I wish for your day to look up and be filled with many great and wonderful things. Don't let this bring your spirit down.

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    1. I, too, believe that it is one of the hardest thing to do. No because of the bloodsucking souls we leave behind, for that is a great thing, but for those who get sacrificed as collateral damage.

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  9. Sometimes I find myself remember that we have to be like surgeons, cutting away at the broken dead bits, doing harm in order to heal. It's not always the most pleasant of thoughts but sometimes all too necessary. Stepping away and cutting someone out of our lives who makes us so unhappy and who can never really see who we truly are... yeah, I get that, particularly when that person just seems to bring out there worst...

    I hope the rest of your Monday goes better!

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    1. My week has gotten better, thanks very much. And you couldn't be more accurate. Sometimes things do need to get really bad before they get better. And some of those times we think we won't survive it. Then we look back, after years, and realized that it wasn't as bad after all. And how much better we feel.

      I hope you are having a great week, too ;-)

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  10. Beautifully written! Sometimes it is just necessary to cut away a rotting plant to save a garden. I seriously suggest you block her number, the fact that she felt it necessary to call you so early shows she is not right in the head...even I know you don't do early mornings :) I know people can see it as being heartless to cut some one out of your life after so long, but I see it as an important survival technique. Stay strong, and know you are loved :D XXX

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    1. You always make me smile, Gina. Your choice of words and your wise view. I swear that the first thing I said after answer the phone with incomprehensible grunting was, "Are you insane?"

      My pruning shears are out and sharpened ;-)

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  11. I needed to read this. As a matter of fact I'm going to copy and print it. If I could have been so strong, written so beautifully it would be what I would say about a situation in my life that has gone on for decades. Blindsided again this week, I'm finally am walking away. but a part of me is glued to the past and I keep having the 'delusion'. I will read this everytime it happens. Thanks, Magaly.

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    1. I'm glad this helps, Frances. It takes time, patience, and most of all a lot of love for oneself. At least, that is what it took for me. I spent a lot days telling myself, "Maybe if I wait a little longer..." "Maybe if I'm more understanding..." "Maybe if I try harder..." then I realized that maybe I had nothing to do with the whole thing. Some individuals are just rotten, and regardless of how much and how hard we try to "fix" thing, we just can't.

      It will hurt for a while, too. Even more than being victim of their lack of compassion, but once you are free of this individual, it feels like you have just been healed of a migraine that made you bleed tears for ages.

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  12. I call people like that toxic. I have a toxic person that I've been trying to cut out of my life for a while now.

    I don't call, text or or contact this person at all if I don't have too.

    But, they like to text and leave nasty things on my phone.

    They get some sick type of enjoyment by upsetting and stressing me though they should have moved on by now.

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    1. I found myself, more than once, asking "Do you enjoy what you are doing?" so I understand exactly what you mean. I've done the blocking number bit, but there is always the "good soul" who believes that he or she knows what's best for me and who goes ahead and gives my number to this individual, or spends ages lecturing me on how I should give it another try... it's maddening at times... so much that I started screening my calls. Why do you think the call was at 4am? It would be funny, if it wasn't so despicable lol

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  13. To paraphrase on of my favorite authors, who writes 'cozy mysteries' (certain series I am *addicted* to) about an ex-husband:
    'Please don't be angry, darlin'.'
    'I'm not angry.'
    'Good! Then there's still a chance...'
    'No.'
    'But...'
    'I feel nothing for you. I searched my heart, & all of the pain is gone, so is the love. There is nothing there for you anymore. I'm not angry, or happy, because I don't care.'

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    1. I KNOW exactly what you mean. I never thought I was going to get to that point, but it is very refreshing when these kind of people are reduced to the status of trivial nuances. Like spit on the sidewalk: I don't care for it, it annoys me because it is disgusting, I want someone to clean it, I might even suggest it, but once I get home, it doesn't cross my mind again; for it is just spit. Waste.

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  14. May not be a nice post, but it's a good post. It's a real post. It's a powerful post. Plus you know how much I enjoy and love Merry Gentry. I feel sorry for the person who tried to tell you what to do and how you should act, cause that person, I want to say he, is an idiot.

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    1. You made me giggle. Thanks so much.

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  15. You are a strong, wonderful, wise, woman! I think I would block this person from your phone! Love ya!

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  16. Cutting someone out is always harder than it would seem, but obviously needs to be done. I'm not good at it. You are such a strong person!

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    1. It is difficult and it takes a very long time. Not just to cut them out of your life, but explaining to the rest of those one interacts with why it is necessary. It can be quite exhausting.

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  17. @ellen abbot (because the page won't let me reply mid-stream)

    All humans have dark and light within them. This is true in an essential way. What matters, and what determines 'positive' versus 'negative' energy, is how we chose to express what is there within us. In this manifestation of that truth - in the choice between kindness and meanness - Magaly has chosen the high road. I think commendations are in order.

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    1. I totally agree with your explanation of "positive versus negative energy" more usual than not, things are not as clear as we might want them to be. There are times when we need to do something ugly in order to find some good, it might not make us feel great, but life is not simple.

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  18. That is definitely a crappy way to start the day... But delicious coffee is always a silver lining in my book... Toxic people are the most delusional out there. They are so stuck, living inside their own dark bubble that they never realize that things around them have changed. That the people around them have changed, especially the ones who decided to walk away... They think that when they step outside of that bubble, everything will still be the same and everyone will act accordingly.. There are worse things than "mean" (like raging murder) and preserving your own heart and sanity is necessary.. The person obviously isn't bothered enough to figure out that they need to change and that is very sad...

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    1. I think that it is as simple as that, they don't understand that just because they are stuck in their insane rotten ways it doesn't mean that the rest of us will stay around to drown in the nasty juices. Maybe they will realize it before going under, but I doubt it...

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  19. Delusion is madness indeed. How very enlightened and wise to accept and acknowledge a toxic relationship. Like you, there are people who help to bring out the worst in me and it behooves us all to stay away from one another. And to call you with this kind of saga before you even had your coffee??? Oh honey, I just hate that! You keep on being your beautiful witchy self forever and always. Hugs sweetie!

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    1. The nasties are much easier to ignore with people like you in my life, my Mina. I doubt that I would be as strong as I am and do half the things I do without the strong women and men in my life. I am a very lucky Witch, and no one can change that ;-)

      Hugs right back at you!

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  20. Anonymous8/17/2012

    Hmmmm...haven't visited you in a while here. Somehow...I feel that I know this person you speak of. If that is true then DAYUM...they really DIDN'T know Magaly Alejandra huh?

    Miss you and pray that you are well.

    Milagros

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    1. Mila, I just imagined your face and tone as you say these words and laughed. It took a while, but enough is enough. My sanity needs a break; a permanent one.

      Hope you are well, too. Many hugs ;-)

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  21. For a minute there, at the beginning of this, I thought I might have an idea of whom you were referring to. Now, I'm pretty sure I don't. Yeah, self delusion is a pretty powerful dogma, indeed. Why is it that the most toxic among us are also the most arrogant?

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  22. Anonymous8/18/2012

    HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! :-) Mila

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  23. As someone who works with people who have not been strong enough to turn away from toxic parasites who are so empty that they suck the life out of those around them to try to fill their own emptiness and feel power only through manipulating and intimidating others, I am so appreciative of your beautiful wild, strong nature and your personal power that you will not give away cheaply to the undeserving, yet so generously you share self with those you love and who love you. You are a gift dear Magaly, to be cherished, as you are by those who have the privilidge of having you cross the path of our journeys. Much love sent!

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    1. Thanks so much for those words, Luna. I appreciate every one of them. Many people see my behavior as harsh. They believe that the right thing to do is to "turn the other cheek" and such, but real people know better. Life is not that simple. And some times when you turn the other cheek, people just kick you while you aren't looking. It is important to let the would be kicker know that one is not only walking away, but that if any foot kicks our way, we'll break it in half.

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    2. Exactly! Limits and boundaries are healthy! There comes a time when "turning the other cheek" is appropriate, for instance when our child says "I hate you!" when we don't give into a demand, or when someone is rude in front of us in line at the grocery store. But sometimes turning the other cheek is like taping a sign on our back that says, "Kick me again...Harder!"

      I have a favorite Irish proverb/toast/saying:

      ~ May those who love us love us. And those that don’t love us, May God/dess turn their hearts. And if S/He doesn’t turn their hearts, May S/he turn their ankles, So we’ll know them by their limping. ~

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    3. "May those who love us love us. And those that don’t love us, May God/dess turn their hearts. And if S/He doesn’t turn their hearts, May S/he turn their ankles, So we’ll know them by their limping."

      Yay for the Irish!

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  24. That shows your maturity. Sure, you could go hang out with that person as they request...but you know how you will react to their delusions, and that will leave you feeling terrible not better. I'm having a day of people's delusions in my face and its getting annoying. "Just let me be," is a perfect response.

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    1. I doubt that many things are as terrible as staying in a relationship just because you don't want to hurt someone or you don't want to look bad or you don't want this or that. If the love isn't there one should walk away.

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