Why Biôrn, Hatuey and LJ Don’t Want to Go to Heaven

Some people would kill to go to heaven; no, really, they would and have. But LJ would slay monsters—and haunt assuming humans—to stay out of the place. What, you don’t believe me? Read the exchange between LJ and Assuming Sister Savior, A.S.S. for short, which I’ve snatched from LJ’s, Through Witch-Colored Eyes:

LJ - “I don’t want to go to heaven.”

A.S.S. - “What?! Why?!”

LJ - “Because I’m not a Christian and never will be.”

A.S.S. - “But, why wouldn’t you want heaven?!”

LJ - “Because I have tickets to Valhalla.”

A.S.S. - “Where?”

LJ - “It’s an exclusive club, you need to be a heathen to get in.”

A.S.S. - “But, heaven is where God is. You won’t be with God!”

LJ - “I’ll be with my God. He’s in Valhalla.”

A.S.S. - “There is only one true God!”

LJ - “This is why I don’t want to go to heaven. Because heaven is full of stupid Christians. I don’t want to share my eternity with you people.”

A.S.S. - “You would rather risk your afterlife and perhaps spend it in hell with Satan because you don’t like Christians?!”

LJ - “Yes.”

A.S.S. - “What if a Mormon baptizes you by proxy?’

LJ - “Then I hope they’re prepared to deal with my wrath after they do, because I plan to haunt them for the rest of their natural lives and torment them into mental illness. Plus, they’d be wasting their time since I would already be in Valhalla. But, seriously, please by all means, baptize Laci J Rich because she doesn’t exist……”

Believe it or not, LJ, was not the first one to express this kind of non-heaven-wanting opinion. 500 years ago, on February 2, 1512, Taino Chief Hatuey faced a similar predicament:
He “escaped [from the Dominican Republic] in canoes with about four-hundred men, women and children, to warn the Cubans about what to expect from the Spaniards… Before he was burned [for the terrible crime of fighting back], a priest asked him if he would accept Jesus and go to heaven. Las Casas recalled the reaction of the chief: 
[Hatuey], thinking a little, asked the religious man if Spaniards went to heaven. The religious man answered yes... The chief then said without further thought that he did not want to go there but to hell so as not to be where they were and where he would not see such cruel people.”
You are probably wondering what LJ and Hatuey have to do with Biôrn the Viking, huh? Well, see for yourself:
In case the clip doesn’t work, here is the direct link to The Saga of Biôrn.


I wish to thank LJ for sharing her words. Visit Through Witch-Colored Eyes to read “But….I Don’t Want to Go to Heaven” in its entirety.

I want to thank Chief Hatuey for showing that Dominican people would choose a fiery death over slavery. Stop by historyofcuba.com, where I found the image for this post, and an interesting version of “The Legend of Hatuey.”

And, of course, I must thank Wikipedia for their page on “Hatuey”, which happens to be very informative.

*witchy curtsy*

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  1. ljrich2/22/2012

    I love you, Magaly! Thanks for sharing the history! I did not know that, but I'm sure glad I do now!

    We will dance in the afterlife together! 

  2. Woohoo! I will get to meet so many interesting people when I don't go to heaven :D And how does baptism by proxy work exactly???? Do we need an amulet to ward off mormons now??? :D XXX

  3. salemwitchchild2/22/2012

    Loved the video. :) 

  4. Love the post! And I feel bad for Bjorn, the poor bugger. No good deed goes unpunished, eh?

  5. ForestWalkArt/laura kinney2/22/2012

    ...when i die...it'll be a pleasure to mingle with those souls who aren't heavenly fanatics!!

  6. I love that video. I felt so bad for him.

  7. Biorn tried so hard to get where he wanted to go...The best laid plans ...

  8. I'm relieved to discover that I'll know some people when I don't go to heaven; always nice to know people when you go somewhere new. ;)

    *Chuckles at both this post and the memory it evokes*

  9. Be still my Viking heart! OMG! Poor, poor Biorn! Yes, I will admit that my wicked self chuckled throughout this video because it was so much like Murphy's Law. Having a fascination for and studying Heathenism, I knew the desire to choose Valhalla had to be overpowering.

    Perhaps if I tattoo a pentagram on my butt and Mjolnor on my breast, the Christians will not want to "save" me at death. ;-)  Something I must go ponder. Thank you for the smiles my wicked friend.  

  10. ljrich2/22/2012

    Well, that's really the kicker. Just the idea that you can just baptize some formless name after they're already dead, and crossed over, is totally ludicrous. But, the two elders that still visit me (I used to be LDS) really honestly believe they have a duty and a responsibility to make sure that everyone goes to heaven. Period. It grates on my nerves that they literally believe they've got some authority to do things like this.

  11. Well, Magaly, I don't know what to write, after reading Mina's comment ;o)  She said everything perfectly! I really loved the video! Poor Biorn! And, thanks so much for the history lesson too! I never knew any of that information! Great post! Hugs ;o)

  12. Alichino Ishbane2/22/2012

    Funny, how the public school system teaches about Columbus but not Taino Chef Hatuey. The Spaniards destroyed a lot of cultures.

  13. I loved this!  I laughed so hard, that is until Valhalla was lost to Biorn. My humble respect goes to Taino Chief Hautney for being a man of integrity, conviction, honor and courage.  May I have the honor of meeting him some day.

  14. Read some of the links in this post...just more examples of religion and it's violence...history can be a real bummer...

  15. I read that post and loved it, cause I don't want to go to heaven either. 

  16. lilacwolf2/23/2012

    That's Chief's last words should have been on the Cracked.com article about the most bad-ass final words.  I've reached that point where I'd just rather not go to heaven, but knowing the requirements I don't think many people really will anyway.  You can't just be a Christian, you have to behave as one too.

    Ivan and I loved the video, but we are both sad for Biorn.  Off to watch it again.

  17. Oh! Poor Bjorn! I was hoping that wouldn't happen to him... Even Nate was saddened by it...

    I don't want to go to heaven either... I've had that conversation with so many people and I'm either met with an understanding nod or a shriek of disbelief... I've told Hubby and the rest of my family many times over that if sometimes tries to baptize my dead body in the name of Christianity or even has the notion that I want some priest or Christian minister reading rites over my body, I will haunt them until the day they die and I will make sure I'm the first thing they see once they cross over... Needless to say, only my sisters have the courage to handle my death plans if Hubby and Nate are unable to lol.. 

    I hope that between this life and the next, I am able to meet Taino Chief Hatuey and many of the brave souls who stood up to the Christian invasion...

  18. And I luvs you right back, my friend! 

  19. I think Mina came up with a way to keep unwanted "salvation" away (see her comment below) lol

  20. It is a bit (ok, a lot) intrusive. I wish people stopped thinking about themselves when they tried to do unto others.

  21. Indeed, poor old man ;-(

  22. It's hard not to feel terrible about the poor guy.

  23. Yep, the best laid plans might not work out the way we want them to, so...

  24. No one wants to go to a place full of strangers. 

    I did a bit of chuckling, too, by the way.

  25. Mina, you made me laugh so hard that I nearly dropped my computer. And now I can't stop seeing that pentacled butt and Mjolnored breast!!!

  26. Our Mina has a way with words and imagery, doesn't she?

  27. I always raised a brow at the historical filtering. Interesting, isn't it?

  28. Hatuey sounds like a man whose back I wouldn't mind guarding and vice versa. The world needs more like him.

  29. More of us should read and digest that history, maybe we would stop acting so ignorant towards each other.

  30. I would need better music and more colors lol

  31. Can you imagine his expression during those seconds while he considered his options?

  32. The idea of someone choosing for me (because they think they know better) really pisses me off. I understand praying and wishing the person goes to a good place, but "good" should be described by the person, not the imagination or beliefs of anyone else.

  33. There is the story of a Norseman who was ready to convert, but asked if his family and ancestors would be in Heaven when he got there. The Priest said no, that they would be burning in hell. The Norseman then said he didn't want to convert, but would rather burn in hell for eternity with his family than be parted from them.

    combine that with the not wanting to be around christians, it's a strong case for not going to heaven.

  34. Lucius, I think the Norseman has a strong case, indeed.

  35. Witcherygrove2/26/2012

    The stories remind me of a Heathen tale.

    ' Radbod of Frisia had one foot in the baptismal font, and
    was ready to be baptized when he asked, "Where are my dead ancestors at
    present?" Wolfram the Christian missionary answered, "In Hell, with all
    other unbelievers." Upon hearing this, Radbod removed his foot from the font
    and responded, "Then I would rather live there with my honourable ancestors
    than go to heaven with a parcel of beggars ." Wolfram and his missionaries
    were expelled, Wolfram narrowly escaping sacrifice to the Heathen Gods.'

    It's one of my favourite tales and one I'll can heartily agree with.

    Jane x

  36. Wolfram is quite tactful, isn't he?

  37. Colleen Beaty3/13/2012

    That video was adorable!  And godds I hope my family never gives me a Christian burial.