Some people would kill to go to heaven; no, really, they would and have. But LJ would slay monsters—and haunt assuming humans—to stay out of the place. What, you don’t believe me? Read the exchange between LJ and Assuming Sister Savior, A.S.S. for short, which I’ve snatched from LJ’s, Through Witch-Colored Eyes:
LJ - “I don’t want to go to heaven.”
A.S.S. - “What?! Why?!”
LJ - “Because I’m not a Christian and never will be.”
A.S.S. - “But, why wouldn’t you want heaven?!”
LJ - “Because I have tickets to Valhalla.”
A.S.S. - “Where?”
LJ - “It’s an exclusive club, you need to be a heathen to get in.”
A.S.S. - “But, heaven is where God is. You won’t be with God!”
LJ - “I’ll be with my God. He’s in Valhalla.”
A.S.S. - “There is only one true God!”
LJ - “This is why I don’t want to go to heaven. Because heaven is full of stupid Christians. I don’t want to share my eternity with you people.”
A.S.S. - “You would rather risk your afterlife and perhaps spend it in hell with Satan because you don’t like Christians?!”
LJ - “Yes.”
A.S.S. - “What if a Mormon baptizes you by proxy?’
LJ - “Then I hope they’re prepared to deal with my wrath after they do, because I plan to haunt them for the rest of their natural lives and torment them into mental illness. Plus, they’d be wasting their time since I would already be in Valhalla. But, seriously, please by all means, baptize Laci J Rich because she doesn’t exist……”
Believe it or not, LJ, was not the first one to express this kind of non-heaven-wanting opinion. 500 years ago, on February 2, 1512, Taino Chief Hatuey faced a similar predicament:
He “escaped [from the Dominican Republic] in canoes with about four-hundred men, women and children, to warn the Cubans about what to expect from the Spaniards… Before he was burned [for the terrible crime of fighting back], a priest asked him if he would accept Jesus and go to heaven. Las Casas recalled the reaction of the chief:
[Hatuey], thinking a little, asked the religious man if Spaniards went to heaven. The religious man answered yes... The chief then said without further thought that he did not want to go there but to hell so as not to be where they were and where he would not see such cruel people.”
You are probably wondering what LJ and Hatuey have to do with Biôrn the Viking, huh? Well, see for yourself:
In case the clip doesn’t work, here is the direct link to “The Saga of Biôrn”.
I wish to thank LJ for sharing her words. Visit Through Witch-Colored Eyes to read “But….I Don’t Want to Go to Heaven” in its entirety.
I want to thank Chief Hatuey for showing that Dominican people would choose a fiery death over slavery. Stop by historyofcuba.com, where I found the image for this post, and an interesting version of “The Legend of Hatuey.”
And, of course, I must thank Wikipedia for their page on “Hatuey”, which happens to be very informative.