Fine, So I’m Not a Very Nice Witch

Everybody has a holier-than-thou friend or, in my case, a witchier-than-all acquaintance. My pain in the ass friend almost visited me yesterday. She wanted to see my writing studio and bring me a house warming gift—I’m so blessed, aren’t I?

So… she brought me five plants. Tomato, pepper, beet, eggplant, and—are you ready for this?—broccoli.

Let me explain some things. My writing studio is a 28’ x 13’ half cellar with four 24” windows that bring in very little light. My brightest window is in the bathroom. Go ahead, chuckle, it is kind of funny.

“Um… Witchier-Than-All,” I asked, “where did you find a broccoli plant this time of year?”

She beamed (I know this is a cliché, but the triumphant light that bathed her features could only be compared to a kind of psychotic beaming). “I got them online,” she told meI ordered too many, and I figured you could use some. You are always talking about how growing things is good for the planet and for the pocket.”

I blinked. “How much did your pocket spent on this?” I pointed at the poor little plants, which I noticed were wilting in the trunk of her car.

“That’s not the point.” The beam was replaced by a hastily camouflaged scowl. “What counts is that I’m being good to the Great Mother, and I’m bringing living things into my life. I thought you were a nice Witch, and you would—”

“Look,” I said. Okay, I probably yelled it. She was getting loud and I had to talk over her ranting. “It’s not that I don’t like the plants; I love them. The thing is that I don’t have the space or the light to give these plants a good home. I won’t accept them just to see them die. They would do much better with you or someone who can care for them.”

“I don’t even know why I tried. Everybody in the coven said you weren’t a real Witch or a nice person.” With that, she slammed the trunk, got in her Prius hybrid, and drove away. She never made it into my writing studio. Thank gods!

I walked to my writing studio, thinking, fine, so I’m not a very nice Witch; not when being one means compromising my common sense. I miss having a kitchen garden. I love my dragon’s blood plant, and the bamboo and philodendron I grow in a pot and a jar, respectively. They know it, too, for I often tell them how much I wish they had green kin that didn’t mind sharing their bits with my tummy.

But being a Witch is much more than having an altar, burning candles, and surrounding oneself with greenery. It is to have enough insight to understand that good witchery doesn’t involve a one-size-fits-all mentality. The same goes for how we express environmental consciousness—by we, I mean me, and maybe Polgara, too. 
“Until a person learns to laugh at himself, though, his life will be a tragedy – at least that’s the way he’ll see it.” Polgara the Sorceress by David Eddings
      

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82 comments:

  1. Slommler1/31/2012

    Oh I just love "friends" who give so much of themselves!!  Ha!!
    Friends are entirely overrated!!  You did well my dear friend!
    Hugs
    SueAnn

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  2. Aine O'Brien1/31/2012

    Someone once told me that there was nothing worse than (a) someone on a new diet (b) someone who just kicked a habit or (c) someone who just found god.   I think this is a very wise observation and found it to be very very true.  The same goes for overly enthusiastic newbies to any religion including Paganism, and since it takes quite a long time for the average Pagan to move past being a newbie, many of these people think they know everything when they know very little, and yet insist on telling you things that you already know or already know is b.s.  I once worked in a metaphysical shop and three women who fancied themselves psychics said how they just came from a psychic fair and their "third eyes were hurting."  Yeah. You can't make this stuff up.  I love this path, but honestly.... some of the people I've met - I don't think I've rolled my eyes so much in my whole life.

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  3. Diandra Linnemann1/31/2012

    That was probably not very considerate of her. (I'd love to have more plants, but they will either be eaten by the cats or die from lack of attention, so I keep my focus on the half dozen that manage to survive no matter what.) And buying stuff online when you might just as well get it locally is not very environmentalist...

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  4. Kristy Wren1/31/2012

    Rock it!  I don't know why we all have to be Love and Light?  Gotta let your inner Wicked Witch out sometimes, even if it's just telling someone the truth.  I don't see what you did as Bitchy, you were being honest and she was assuming.  ~)O(~

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  5. lilacwolf1/31/2012

    "I thought you were a nice witch"? She'd make a fantastic side-character in a book.  :)  Welcome to your writing studio anyway.  *hugs*

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  6. Not a very nice witch? That's a compliment isn't it? You go on being true to yourself Magaly, I'll just stand here in awe (saying no to anything isn't my strong point). I'm sure Polgara would approve. (My favourite character - ever!)

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  7. Amy P.1/31/2012

    You were being open and honest with her and as a "friend", she should have respected that.  We are not here to live our lives to others specifications, just our own.  You were not rude and she had no cause to treat you that way..

    Witchier-than-thou types can take their ill manners and shove both them and their brooms where the sun doesn't shine, as far as I'm concerned.

    You keep being the awesome wicked witch you are, Magaly!  Elphaba would approve. :D

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  8. I find the 'they told me you...' excuse and come back extremely annoying! What? You're so closed minded and self involved that you can't take the time to honestly get to know someone? Maybe if she had she'd understand your point of view. Of which I'm totally in agreement with. You know what's best for you, your space and your path. And anyone who doesn't get that should just buzz off! 

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  9. brandi1/31/2012

    ~be a mean witch...cause you my dear friend...have a beautiful mind who knows right and wrong...i always love those who seem to be able to tell us what we are and are not...aren't they the best...lol!!! much love light and blessings~

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  10. *smh* Ah, what I call FINOs (Friends In Name Only)... gotta love 'em. I'm growing broccoli on my back patio. It loves the cold.  I don't think she understood you were doing those plants a favor by not taking them into your studio. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem to comprehend a lot about the Craft. Hug yourself for me, M. You're one of my all-time favorite witches :)

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  11. ellen abbott1/31/2012

    You seem to know a lot of prickly people.

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  12. OMG!!!! How incredibly rude of that person....I refuse to call her a witch, as it derives from "wise one" which she so blatantly is not! Who exactly was she trying to impress? I don't think it was you or the Mother Goddess.....Growing plants and sharing with friends are both worthwhile causes, but there is a huge difference between "sharing" and "foisting". You did well to ward off such negative energy by refusing to accept them.
    Bless You "very nice Witch" :D XXX

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  13. Linda Wildenstein1/31/2012

    Hey....GO TEAM GREEN!!!! As my Uncle Fancy used to say, "some people's children". You know I have had encounters with "friends" who seem to know what is best for me without them knowing me. The only thing I can say and you already do this anyway but it bears repeating..........let it pass through you not dwell within you.
    I'm glad "she" didn't bring her energy into your personal space....talk about a clean up nightmare. Don't worry, I know you're nice and kind and caring and a loyal friend, but don't let me visit either, cuz I'd wanna stay too long and visit....keeping you from doing what you need to do in that space. teeeeee heeeeee, Oma Linda

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  14. You are a lovely hoot, my dear!

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  15. Did you asked them if they needed a pillow to sit? You know, to relief the pain is their "third eyes." 

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  16. jonquil1/31/2012

    I'm with Uncle Fancy...some peoples' children is right!  I try to promote the 'I'm not nice' as it saves the energy of driving the rif-raf away ;)

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  17. I was talking to my Piano Man about the environmentally friendliness of buying a plant from somewhere, probably thousands of miles, from New York City. I guess she thinks the plants get here via teleportation--okay, that was mean of me, but she deserves it. I will apologize after she finds her way into common sense land.

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  18. I think my "inner Wicked Witch" lives out and, occasionally, lets the "Love and Light"  gaze outside through a tiny window. lol

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  19. My main character would probably bite the head of someone like this girl. She a is bit more physical than I am with her un-niceties.

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  20. Polgara is one of my favorite characters in fiction, too! Whenever someone pisses  me off, I visualize Polgara blowing them through bits. And saving the little glass bird, of course ;-)

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  21. I think Elphie would probably grin a bit. She is one of my favorite two witches in fiction. Here is a post about it: 
    http://pagan-culture.blogspot.com/2011/04/my-favorite-witches-in-fiction-elphie.html

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  22. ljrich1/31/2012

    Hmmm, so you're not a real witch, now? I really wanna ask this gal what a "real witch" looks like. Or acts like? Not wanting to take some plants you can't actually grow decently makes you "not a real witch", now? "Everyone in the coven", oh my aching ass. I'll bet she, and her coven, would be very flabergasted to know that a great deal of "real witches" don't even tell anyone they are witches! They're walking among us and most of us wouldn't know by looking, or even talking a lot of the time.

    /sigh
    People never cease to amaze me. 

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  23. I think she is trying very hard to please her newly found coven. It is a little sad because I know she is really trying.

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  24. Yep, those who assume they know us better than we know ourselves tent to be quite "special."

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  25. Sweet Zombie Goddess1/31/2012

    I just want to know what there are some out there who feel like if they merely grace us with their presence that that is a reason for parades and accolades.  I wouldn't want to have a plant, or anything for that matter, to just come into my house and die.  Talk about bad juju lol.  You did the right thing by saying no (not that you needed justification from me lol) and, and this is just my opinion, I feel that her energy remaining outside of your house was the best thing in the world.

    \IiiI

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  26. "FINOs," I like. Well, I actually don't like them, but acronym is pretty neat. And I'm quite taken by your witchy ways, too, Kallan.

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  27. I think I just know a lot of people lol

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  28. If she keeps at it, she might find her way. I think she's just too new to the whole thing. I think.

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  29. I think if you came over we wold be doing exactly what we were supposed to be doing: having a world of witch fun and driving my neighbors people insane with the cackles, but that's okay.

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  30. I like Uncle Fancy quite a bit. He sounds like a wise fellow, who probably met lots of people who needed to hear his words.

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  31. The coven that said that I'n not a real Witch, is the same coven that I refused to dance in about two years ago. I was supposed to do the Maiden Dance, and a bunch of friend came to see me doing it. Two came all the way from Florida, just for the High Priestess to inform me--on the day of--that males would not be allowed in the dance. That is their reason for my no being a "real Witch." 

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  32. People are strange, specially the ones who believe they are exactly what the rest of the world should aim for. 

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  33. Perhaps shoving the plants up her ample ass would give her natural vitamins through a different orifice?  Just a thought.

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  34. I can't even imagine saying such a thing...interesting person...Hope she enjoys her new plants or perhaps the coven can take them...

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  35. Ha! You are such a riot. You know, Angie (Lilac Wolf), said my 'friend' would make a good side character in my novel. I think she's right, especially if I get to torment her with another character who would shove her ridiculousness up her butt.

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  36. I didn't think of that, I should have suggested the coven. You know what makes me feel worse? This girl used to be okay when we were in high school. A bit strange, but what teen isn't? Now she is a little scary. I wonder how her finding of religion has changed the rest of her world. 

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  37. Oh this so totally relates to a post I'm trying to put together in defense of "having an opinion" OTHER than folding under the (usually newbie) "fluffy, trippy, ALL things are now okay with me cuz I'm Pagan" mini-lashing I got from a recent post I made. Broccoli as a houseplant, huh? Never thought of that one ;) 

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  38. "Everybody in the coven said you weren’t a real Witch or a nice person." ...oh, snap! Oh, well, I guess you won't be invited for tea.
    Of course, if you were a "nice" Witch, you have have accepted the plants so that they might languish in the darkness for weeks, maybe months, before dying miserably in your studio-turned-plant-torture-dungeon. ;)

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  39. ljrich1/31/2012

    Ahhh the sexist, overly feminist coven. Yeah, I'd have turned those people down too. Sheesh. Not a real witch. I guess if we don't hate men and keep them away from our craft we're not real. Silly me.;)

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  40. This is why I generally wait to see someone's house before I arrive to purchase them something as a housewarming gift - or I just straight up ask them what they want (unless they're one of my few friends that literally have nothing, then I usually bring a type of food they like). It's the thought that counts, yes, but you actually have to put some thought into it to it even be called that. 

    I probably would have just taken the plants and handed them off to someone else, but that's just me. Of course... none of those plants would survive a week out here once summer hit, sooooo... I don't blame you. I don't like dead plants. I also don't like 90% of the people who drive hybrids; especially the smug ones.

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  41. SunshineShelle1/31/2012

    So I guess you don't want this fig tree seedling I had put aside for you?

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  42. Alexia Chamberlynn1/31/2012

    I kill half the things I try to grow! I always want to garden, but then I get lazy and forget about the poor plants.

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  43. Betsy Bailey1/31/2012

    Wow...just wow. 

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  44. "Sigh"... people.  Rock on with your bad self, wicked lady!

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  45. Elphie and Esme are my two favorite fictional witches as well.  Full of sass and their own style.  Thanks for linking that post. :D

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  46. I'll admit I'm a tiddly bit confused (age and decrepitude, probably). Did she come over to confirm what the coven had said about you, or to make the determination herself? If the former, she's a pitiable pawn; if the latter, she's definitely socially inept. Or just  the center of her own universe?

    Never did cotton to coven work, myself. Too many petty egos.

    And what the hell is this "good witch", "bad witch" crap? We are who we are. Each of us is a compilation of memories and experiences. Our world view is colored by them. It is what makes each of us unique.

    FYI, you were probably kinder than I would have been.

    I'd be writing names on toilet paper and using it in an appropriate manner.

    @Alexia, Feng shui maintains that dead things--even potpourri--are detrimental to the chi. Silk plants are better than dead and dying ones. Think of it as sympathetic magic.

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  47. I better go and read then. 

    I had the same thought about the broccoli. I know you can grow indoors, under very controlled conditions, but I don't have the means of providing a good environment for the plant. I guess she didn't consider that.

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  48. Nope, no individual having an opinion or any signs of the existence of a brain shall attend this particular coven. They really like the banish thinking.

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  49. I didn't even think of the passing it forward idea, but that would have been a possibility. Although, I don't know who I would have given them to. 

    You know what? I only know one person who owns a hybrid, aside from she-who-must-not-be-name lol, but this other individual is sweet a fresh fruit. She fits your 10%.

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  50. Does it come with a house and a few acres of land attached to it?

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  51. Maybe you should think less is better and livelier?

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  52. I have the feeling she was in a "I Will Save Magaly from Her Un-Witchiness" mission, if you ask me. I want to think she was doing it because she wanted to be nice, but I must admit it didn't feel that way. 

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  53. Well, then I guess we'll both not be very nice witches together; I don't have any plants.  I tried, but I tend to do them more harm than good, so it's better for them if someone else grows them and I just get what I want when I need it.  Personally though, I don't think there's any right or wrong way to be a witch; only what feels right to the individual.  And this is one of the reasons why I prefer to be a solitary practitioner!

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  54. And now I want to meet this woman!

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  55. Colleen Beaty2/01/2012

    I love you for referencing David Eddings!  He far outshines so many fantasy authors with his wit and ability to spin a truly engaging tale.

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  56. Well, I think you are a nice witch! ;o) You know what I love about your Magaly, you are honest! I'd rather someone be honest with me, than see the plants die, like you said! Keep being you! ;o) 

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  57. I'm not a very nice Witch either but at least I don't feel like a hypocrite for saying we should be completely natural while using tons of paper towels for everything and smoking cigarettes, like one Witchy friend. I would love a kitchen garden but I won't be able to do that yet. 

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  58. I'm right with you, I doubt there is a right or wrong to be a Witch. What works for someone might not work for others, so we can't all be the same.

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  59. Yes he does, I love his characters and the worlds in he throws them in ;-)

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  60. Thank goodness you like me the way I am, I don't think I can change lol. I, too, like you  exactly how you are: wonderful and with a smile that can take over small galaxies in a flash.

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  61. It is a difficult position, isn't it? I've seen people try too hard, like driving miles to buy organic foods.

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  62. Exactly. I buy organic gluten free and will drive for that but that's cause the little mermaid girl is gluten free.

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  63. HA! You? Not a nice/real Witch?! Someone has their conical hat and hooded cloak too tight.... If only it were tight enough to end their misery....

    I've been dealing with some similar crap from one of Hubby's co-workers. She claims to be a devout Roman Catholic whose mother is a devout Roman Catholic/Pagan and everything I do/believe is wrong because I'm not some little white light Wiccan who follows all the "rules".. i.e. I buy my own tarot/oracle decks. I honor the Dark Gods. I dance with my Shadow Self and I accept the importance of darkness just as much as the light. I'm guessing she's never been around an East Coast Pagan.. We're tough bitches and that's just how we roll darling ;-)

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  64.     She sounds like one of those prissy little twits from high school. "The
    coven said you weren't a real witch or a nice person." Yeah. I got her
    real witch right here, honey. (making rude gesture that if you could see
    you would snicker and applaud) ;-)



    I know I don't have to tell you this but if we looked up the word witch
    in the encyclopedia, it would have a picture of your beautiful face with
    that lovely smile right next to it. Kudos to you for not taking
    something on that you already know will not work in your life at the
    present and shame on her for being such an assuming and  judgmental
    bitch. Smooches, my sweet! 

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  65. Anyone who thinks life can be balanced without recognizing the dark bits of it is highly delusional.

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  66. You know what? For some reason I've been feeling bad for her. I think the individuals "guiding" her are not thinking about what's best for her and she is so lost in the rapture of having found something that speaks to her that she hasn't noticed that she losing herself. I need to think about this, but I might give her a call... maybe offer a book, so she can see that there are other ways and she should be free to interpret a way that speaks to her heart, but not because someone else is pushing her towards that path.

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  67. Yeah I'm going to bring it up with her doctor on Monday at her check up. Hoping she doesn't have Celiac's  =/

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  68. Fingers crossed. It is not easy to go through life having such a restricted diet. Aside from the cost there is also the fact that most people eat different things and one can start feeling kind of left out. 

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  69. Yeah it's hard cause everyone wants to give her food, and I'm like um no, not unless it has no gluten in it. I already told my hubby that if she is then the whole family is going gluten free.

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  70.  That is a wonderful idea. She really needs to balance her heart with her beliefs and to know when it is time to question what others say and feel and that she can have all the "power" she needs just by being true to herself. Sorry I got so nasty. It just really flies all over me when you are treated that way.

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  71. That might be really tough, so great luck.

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  72. Oh I'm still pretty pissed with her; trust me. But I think I'm upset with her idiotic attitude than with her, if that makes any sense. I'll try, and if she doesn't respond, well, I'll ignore her forever lol

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  73. There's a chance I might also need to go gluten free. I have a lot of the symptoms.

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  74. I know you are no Satanist, but have you ever read the Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth? I keep a copy framed on the wall; not because I am a Satanist, but because these Pagan laws make a tad more sense to me than "harm none" (which is somehow interpreted by some zealot witches as "force good upon everyone else"). The Satanic Rule of the Earth at the top of the list is "Don't give your advice or opinions unless asked". 
    So just to amuse you, this is what would have happened if my zealot witch friend would have popped by with internet vegetable sprouts in the middle of February, during the month of minus temperatures. I would have thanked her kindly for the gesture. I would have done it with an evil smile on my face. The plants would have eventually died, and they would have ended up as compost. No problem. 
    But then, I would have waited for springtime, and waited until the dandy-lions, crabgrass and all those wonderful herbs sprouted, which others designate so affectionately as "weeds". I would have apologized to the plants, dug them up, carefully potted them and taken them a week later on a lovely Saturday afternoon when Miss Zealot Witch was putting about in her garden. Then I would have grabbed the trowel shovel and starting planting the dandy-lions in her garden. And when she would start to protest I would have held her hypocrisy before her with a conversation like this: 
    "What are you so upset about? I'm doing you a favour, by the Goddess, I am! I am helping the Great Mother by planting these important healing herbs in your garden! Don't tell me you didn't know dandy-lions heal your liver and remove the industrial poisons from your body that the muggles add to the tap water! And crab-grass compress are excellent remedy for acne and rashes! (Both, which are incidentally true). Now, be a good girl, and help me. You wouldn't want to have to explain it to the Great Mother later how you spurned her Sacred Gift of healing herbs, would you? I, for one, couldn't live with myself if I did that!" 

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  75. Celeste, I'm in tears. I haven't laugh this hard in a long time. This sounds  like a scene from a hilarious story! 

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  76. Ah, but as witches, we don't do nice, we do necessary! ;)

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  77. You know the thing writers threat with?

    "Leave me alone, or you end up in my novel!" ;)

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  78. Laughing through this, I'm really not sure where this assumption came from that all pagans are natural gardeners and can make anything grow even under the most adverse conditions. I've no green growing ability at all, I really try with houseplants I'm given but I can't help but feel sorry for them knowing my lack of ability. Garden plants at least have a fighting chance, I only need to plant and then mother nature takes over, she's much better at it than me and always seems to grant me some beauty each year.

    It doesn't matter what it is, religion or anything thing else, there is always someone who thinks it's their duty to tell you that your doing it wrong. I once got told I wasn't a proper pagan as I didn't follow and celebrate the 'Wheel' of the year, the fact I follow a different path she couldn't seem to register at all. Ho hum, sometimes it's just a case of smiling and then going off and doing your own thing anyway.

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    Replies
    1. Some people are just really strange. You are right, sometimes we just need to smile, nod a lot, and walk away slowly.

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