Weird and Wild are the first two words that come to mind when I think about the beginning of my day. I woke up and reached for my Piano Man. He wasn’t there. I stumbled to the kitchen, eyes half closed and mind dreaming of coffee. My lover wasn’t there either. I ran to the Little Princess’s room. Empty. I freaked out. I rushed to get my phone; unlocked it; the screen read 8:40am. I sighed. My Piano Man and Little Princess were gone to work and school, respectively.
I stared at the white shirt I had slept in. There was blood all the over the front of it. My nose bleeds often, but I guess I missed it with all the running around. I cleaned myself up, retraced my steps and found a bit a blood on the kitchen floor. Thank goodness I had not bled all over the carpet.
I was heading for the shower when the phone rang. It was a friend I was hoping to hear from. She is getting a divorced and relocating to a new city. Moving is difficult; moving alone after having lived with a partner for six years is even tougher. I’ve been worried about my friend, but I didn’t want to bother her. I felt she needed some time to herself.
We talked for a while. She misses her stepchildren. She misses their father, too, even if her ex-husband’s to be behavior has been less than admirable these last few months.
“They don’t want to talk, Guerrero.” My friend’s voice trembled a little when she talked about her stepchildren. “You should be careful with the Little Princess, you know? My oldest…” she paused. “I mean, his oldest, told me I wasn’t mother. I have raised those kids for almost seven years. He said his mother would have never left him. Kids can break your heart, you know?”
I didn’t know what to say at first, and then I figured the obvious would be best. “J, their bio-mom did leave them. The children know this, too. Doesn’t she live less than two hours away? When was the last time she spent any time with them?”
“It hurts so much,” she began to cry. “I wish they were a little bit like your Little Princess. She sounds so loving. She never hurts you. She—”
I let her talk for a while without saying anything. There are times when the only thing you can do for a friend is to listen. I listened to her speak about how the Little Princess never hurts my feelings. How everything in my household is bliss. How I’m always happy. How I’ll always be. I listened.
I also thought… I thought about how I wished that all those things were true. But if you have a family you already know none of that is always true. I’m happy most of the time, and when I’m not, my Piano Man is often—if not always—drags me out of the gloom. I love that. I also love that the Little Princess is such a good child. But I’ve never met a perfect human being, and children—believe it or not—are human.
The Little Princess has hurt my feelings more than once. I know she will do it again, too. I also understand that I will probably do the same to her. I love her and she loves me, and with love comes vulnerability… and pain… and boundless bliss. But you can’t enjoy the love bliss while keeping your heart in a pain-proof box. And not loving can leave the soul in a very lonely place.
Loving another is not an easy thing. To love is to rebel against something that looks a whole lot like common sense, but looking a little closer might reveal that what appears to be logic is actually a bit of fear.
And talking about rebellions…
I’m jumping in the colorful Award Rebellion Van Wagon led by Stacy and Shelle. You see, I’ve received a Versatile Blogger Award from Tori. Then Stacy and Shelle, proving to be shameless blog diggers, gave the iDig Your Blog Award to all their bloggy friends. It doesn’t end there; Shelle is a Libra all the way to her boots, so her sociably
nosey self nominated all her cyber flock for
the Tell Me about Yourself Award.
The fiery Aries in me refuses to be left behind, so I grabbed everything. Here are the awards:
And here are 13 things about me:
1. I’m crazy about Tori, Stacy and Shelle because these three women have hearts that hardly fit in their chests. Thanks for the awards and the friendships, my luvs!
2. I’ve always had very vivid dreams and nightmares.
3. I bite the inside of my cheeks when I have nightmares.
4. I dream (and nightmare?) in color.
5. I used to wake up screaming from nightmares most nights.
6. I’ve had few nightmares since I moved in with my Piano Man.
7. I no longer scream when I wake up from a nightmare.
8. I used to sleep with a KA-Bar under my mattress.
9. I have gotten really good at controlling my dreams.
10. I used to dream that a man who slapped me when I was a child, came back to slap me again and again.
11. I dreamed that I had a black and pink semiautomatic pistol, and used it to beat the abuser out of the man who slapped me when I was a child.
12. I no longer dream about the slapper.
13. I’m grinning wickedly right now ;-)
Grab the three awards, my Luvs.
Tell the world you’re feeling a little wicked.