Heels and Switchblades

I might have hurt someone’s feelings. I’m not sure yet. I’ll email her after I’m done typing this post, and try to find out. The worst bit is that if I did upset her, I did it while trying to be nice. The person in question sent me a text message to say that she had a bag of chic clothes and shoes for me.

After seeing the things, I thanked her for the gesture, but said that the clothes and shoes weren’t really my style or size. I suggested she gave them to someone who would actually wear them, or maybe to a women’s shelter that could distribute the stuff. I thought many women would appreciate something stylish and free for the upcoming holidays.

I did what I would have liked someone to do for me. If I give you something you can’t use, I would love for you to let me know. And if I can’t exchange the gift for something you might like, I would be very happy if you forward the present to someone who can enjoy it.

Anyone who knows me has experienced the practical ways of my mind. The person who offered the clothes and shoes doesn’t know me very well. I forgot about that. And we are very different. Let’s just say that if we were standing in the same room and someone yelled, “Red stiletto!” She would probably picture high heels, and my mind’s eyes would see a switchblade.
This happened a few weeks ago, but I thought about it the other night, and felt kind of bad. She was trying to do something nice for me, and I might have hurt her feelings by trying to do something nice, too. Did I mean to make her feel bad? No, but I think I did, and I don’t like hurting people by accident.

Have you ever hurt someone by trying to do something nice for them?

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43 comments:

  1. So often I say stuff that gets misinterpreted. I use words one way and people take them the other way. Go figure?!

    Good deeds always find their way back to you.

    Totus vos postulo est Amor!

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  2. Diandra Linnemann11/21/2011

    Happens occasionally. Most often with the BF - my mind is very guy-like when it comes to communicating, and even after more than four years he has still not gotten used to the fact that "no uninterrupted stream of talking" does not mean, "I am not talking to you because I'm mad". Sad thing is, he then keeps pestering me about, "Why are you mad at me?" until I AM mad at him.

    Some time ago I was getting rid of too-big stuff and asked a friend if she would like to go through the items before I donated them. She was a little upset at first (she is trying to lose weight as well, and I "overtook" her on the way), but I then explained that I know she is a university student (AKA not much money) and that many of those items had been worn only a dozen times, and that it was a good opportunity for her to get some decent office clothes and dresses and such. So she went through the pile and actually found things she likes enough to wear them regularly - and said I couldn't have them back if I regain. ^^ (She is kind of really direct, but I like that.)

    Apart from that... I try really hard not to say anything that might be interpreted as anything else than what I really wanted to say. Which means that every now and again I will say something and add, as an afterthought, "Okay, that probably really didn't sound the way I had planned it. Let me rephrase..." or something like that.

    Be that as it may, I don't think the thing you said was hurtful to that person. I mean, she was trying to be nice, but I doubt that it would have been less hurtful for her if you had, for example, accepted the offer and then never worn a thing of it. I think you were not only very honest, but very nice about it as well. This was a good opportunity for the person in question to learn more about the way you think.

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  3. salemwitchchild11/21/2011

    I'm not that sociable IRL. Online I can be me, but in person I feel like I need to be reserved. It's a protection mechanism that I just automatically do. This can be off putting to people. They've told me I seem stuck up. I'm not really, but it takes a lot for me to warm up and make friends. Which results in me not having many friends at all.

    Chin up, I'm sure once she gets to know you better all will be well.

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  4. I have this problem all the time with my MIL. Because I don't go clothes shopping often, while she would go every day, I have to be quite firm with her about buying me clothes(we do not have the same taste at all, I'm a grunge momma, she is fitted suit). She has decided that she "understands my likes and dislikes(except that I'm 48 and my own mother never chose my clothes for me!!), but she doesn't. Came to a head 2 years ago, when hubby spotted a dress he thought I'd like in a sale, phoned me, I squealed, he went to buy it,  but his mum had to get involved(she had joined him for his lunch break). She talked him into changing it for a new skirt(not sale price) and insisted on paying for it. When he came home I was so disappointed I cried. I phoned her and told her she had to take it back, and I totally missed out on the dress I did want.
    Now she buys 1 gets 1 free in different colours and tries to pass them on to me. I just accept them and take them straight to the charity shop(they love my MIL :D)
    At least your friend was genuinely trying to share her pretty stuff, and not trying to turn you into a "mini me" :D
    Hope your friend is ok and you get back on track with her :D XXX

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  5. I'm pretty sure that I hurt a friend once while trying to be nice / be helpful / do the right thing. I was a guest in her home, I could see that she and her boyfriend were struggling to make ends meet so I offered to help buy groceries. That didn't go over too well.

    I think that it's inevitable that we hurt people in life. We just need to avoid doing so knowingly, and to try to make things right when we become aware that we may have hurt someone.

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  6. Ugh, M.. I would want you to tell me that very thing. I'd hate to give you something you can't use, or make you feel like you had to keep something just to spare my feelings. I'm of the practical bent as well. Tell me it isn't your cup of java, and I learn more about your style and tastes for next time. Hug yourself for me. I'm sure your friend will come to understand. I know she has to see what a treasure you are. 

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  7. I agree; I'd much rather something be given to someone else if I know I wont use it and they might. And, for the record, I've done the same thing... Some people just misunderstand what you're saying sometimes though. I hope the person understands what you were saying and that you didn't mean to hurt their feelings.

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  8. Life is weird that way, isn't it? But thank goodness, more often than not, talking remedies the problem.

    It is nice to read from you, James ;-)

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  9. I can almost see the BF asking why you are mad. This might be the result of years dealing with people who don't say what they mean. For instance, this All Hallow's Eve, I told my Piano Man that I didn't want any presents. We got a bunch of things at Comic Con, and that was present enough for me. He asked "Do you really mean that, or am I to read into it?" I wanted to laugh... okay, maybe I laughed a little. But I told him, "My love, I always say what I mean, if I want something I ask for it. I don't expect anyone to read my mind. That would be weird and intrusive."

    I'm glad your friend got some cool things, and I wouldn't give them back either lol

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  10. I'll keep my chin up and load up with smiles ;-)

    And about having just a few friends, I bet those who  take the time to know and finally make it into your heart, are priceless. We only need a few of those.

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  11. SunshineShelle11/21/2011

    Oh dear... Ms Wickedness WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???
    Nah just joking... look I don't have many friends (sad but true)...

    OMG... I just wiped out a whole PARAGRAPH!!!!!

    I HAD TOO... I just became hypersensitive to other people that may leave a comment, read mine, and didn't want to make the wrong impression :/

    OK I've brushed my hair & teeth (separate brushes) and think I'll make a better impression.

    I don't like to upset anyone (LOL so not true), but I thought I may upset somebody that didn't know me, you see, what I was writing, well it was to you & we sorta kinda have a relationship (OK not in the Piano Man sort of way, but a relationship none the less)... so what I really want to say (I think) if someone is foul, I can't disguise my distaste, if I like someone I will go to the ends of the earth to not intentionally  upset them... WHAT AM I SAYING HERE??? Well, sometimes something you say that's cool to one person is totally unacceptable to another, yet it's the same thing, like your relationship is what makes the language interpreted correctly (or not)... I would not have taken offence to what you said/wrote... I like the way you just speak your mind, don't BS & are well, truthful, and hell, I think those items are better off with someone that will use them...

    and if those stilettos are Aust size 8 please forward them to my address ;)

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  12. That is a tough one, I would have probably being upset if someone kept my Piano Man from doing something lovely for me. He is good at that, thank gods, and his mother is so practical that she reminds me of me lol. 

    Yay for your MIL dressing up the masses ;-)

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  13. "We just need to  avoid doing so knowingly, and try to make things right." You and your super insightful words always touch my heart ;-)

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  14. *hugs herself, twice* I learned from the taking something not to hurt their feelings experience. I had this really ugly pants for about 2 years; my Auntie gave them to me. They weren't only ugly, but also had so much metal and glittery things on them that they were uncomfortable, too. After forever, I told her I just couldn't wear the damn things. "Thank God," she said. "I had a bet with **** that you wouldn't wear them at gunpoint." Yep, my friends and family think they are funny.

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  15. Well, I emailed her. I'll wait and see. I have a feeling things will be okay. A bit of talking, um... typing, goes a long way ;-)

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  16. Hot damn, I didn't even think of that. There were two pretty tops, which I'm sure your Suffer Boy would have loved to get you out of. 

    And know that I know you are a size 6 in US, you must bow to me; I'm a size nine, so mine is bigger ;-) 

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  17. Story of my life - and then I overcompensate to try and stay in the person's good graces.  And then worry that my ingrained "be nice at all costs" instincts will be misinterpreted as being insincere.  Gah.
     Been there my friend - you were honest.  There is no fault.  AND you were thinking of others. 

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  18. Natalie Shinn11/21/2011

    I try not to let those types of things bother me. No matter what you do almost everything you do and say will offend someone, that's just life. I know that sounds somewhat cynical, but at the same time, if you aren't kind of hard about those types of things, you'll be the one always getting offended.

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  19. You shouldn't worry about that, sweetie. You didn't hurt her feelings on purpose -- you just spoke your mind (very German I might add). I find it refreshing when people are honest. So -- don't worry!

    Hugs,
    Birgit

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  20. This happens all the time. It's even worse via anything besides face-to-face conversation. I've seen entire friendships blasted by facebook; sarcasm just doesn't transfer well over electronic methods.

    Hopefully she didn't take it too hard. Luckily, most misunderstandings can be set right with a short explanation. 

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  21. I would have never taken what you said badly. I am the same way, if one person can't use it, pass it on. I was just at my brother and sister-in-law's house. She had a pair of shoes given to her, that were too big, so I took them. Then, I had some tree cutters I wasn't using, so I passed them to my brother. It was fun passing around things! LOL! It's better that way ;o) Even with my art, if someone has won something on my giveaway and passed it along, I love that! Have a great one my friend ;o)

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  22. I am reading this post and comments while sitting next to a large packing box of spring and winter clothes that I can no longer wear.  Consignment shop of the handicapped? Senior Center? Charity box? And why am I holding on to the turquoise Go Silk jeans that shattered in the rear end? (Probably because they were the one and only pair of Go Silk jeans that I've ever had).

    You thanked her for her thoughtfulness and were honest. Some people wouldn't have done that much. And personally, I think it better to send the clothing to someone that will wear them with joy.

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  23. "Be nice at all cost" sounds like the title to a very messy novel ;-)

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  24. You are very right, Natalie. I try not to hang to every word every person utters. I feel like doing that would leave too many people dissatisfied. No one needs that, especially not me. 

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  25. Why can't everybody be as straightforward as you? And as me? So many issues would be avoided, don't you think?

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  26. I didn't even think about that; I have, indeed, seen a few social media disasters.

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  27. That is how life should be; doing certain things "just" to make someone else happy can be dangerously counterproductive.

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  28. It makes sense to me, too. If you don't need it or want it, forward it. I'm sure someone will be very pleased!

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  29. Lynn Kelly11/22/2011

    Witchhazel

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  30. Witchhazel11/22/2011

    Sorry Magaly - first attempt at replying but not getting Witchhazel up as username for reply. Sorry again <];)
    Does this fit in with the theme of the post? I always seem to put my foot in it, accidently of course but I usually take it too much to heart and the other person has rarely taken offence or even noticed! 
    I'm de-cluttering this week and there is only a small pile of items as yet to go out rather than hawk them round my family and friends, I will take them to a charity first time instead. Also a friend eventually emailed to say work had been really busy so we didn't have time to catch up - and that I hadn't offend him after all <]:)

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  31. While you are on the subject of 'witches' - what about some sexy witches - http://www.comicbookandmoviereviews.com/2011/11/13-witches-sexiest-witches-story-ever.html

    Nice blog by the way - it is very good. 

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  32. A few times because I'm just honest, sometimes brutally so.

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  33. lilacwolf11/22/2011

    I don't think you are in the wrong here.  If you give someone your used clothes...or used anything...it has to be with the "if you can use it..." mindset or you are setting yourself up to get your feelings hurt.  Asking her if she knows someone else who can use them or suggesting a women's shelter (great idea, btw) was fine.  If she takes that kind of thing personally, then I guess next time just donate them yourself and don't say anything.  If I get something from someone I only see occasionally I will do that anyway.  I thank them kindly as if it were a gift.

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  34. Kallista Silverheart11/23/2011

    I hope things will sort out.
    I've had friends in the past give me some of the things they didn't need or want, like clothes and shoes, and viceversa. But I couldn't wear high heels if you held me at knife point and I don't remember anyone ever getting upset or offended when I said I couldn't accept a high heeled pair of shoes. Usually I asked, just like you have, if they know someone else who could wear them or I'd say I have another friend who'd be happy to get them. All solved, everyone happy.
    Just like lilacwolf said, giving something should be in the 'if you can use it' mindset. If not, it sorta defeats the purpose.
    I hope she didn't take offence and things will be sorted!

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  35. I guess it happens to the best of us.

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  36. My thoughts exactly. I give things to people because I want to make them happy. I don't want to "pressure" anyone into thinking that they have to wear something because I'm making them.

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  37. Indeed, why would you want to force someone to use something? To many relationships go sour just because one person is doing things that are out of character, just because they want to make someone else happy. I don't subscribe to that. I will do anything I can to make other people happy, but I'm the first "people" I want to please.

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  38. Hmm, I'm sure I have at some point, but I don't remember. My mother often tries to give me old clothes she has no use for, but if you saw what she considers appropriate for public consumption, you'd know that none of them are anything i'd like.


    I hope she doesn't take offense.

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  39. I'm a Sagittarius, I hurt people as soon as I open my mouth.  I eat so much crow, I've got a million recipes to make it taste better.  If you feel like you should apologize, then do it.  It will clear the air if nothing else.

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  40. I found out that she did, but I think things are better now. At least I'm hoping, but if she isn't... well, there are some things that can't be helped.

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  41. I did, and I think that it made things better. However, I still believe that our differences would keep us a bit distant. Nothing anyone can't do. I can't fake it when it isn't there, and I wouldn't want to.

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  42. Oh girl, I hate when this sort of thing happens and yes, I have been on that side many times. I agree with your decision to not take what you will not use when there is someone else out there who not only will, but may need them. I know we cannot please everyone and there is little I hate more than to hurt someone's feelings but we must stay true to ourselves. 

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  43. Well, we exchanged a few emails and I can't say that it was pretty. Oh well, we do what you must, right? I can't duel on that sort of things. There are too many great people out there, to get stuck on one who insist on seeing the world only her own way. I'll be here when she decides that my life is mine, hers is hers and we can see each other in the middle without having to make the other uncomfortable by trying to throw our ways in her face.

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