Darlene

My roommate stopped talking to me. 

I couldn’t understand why she acted that nastily. Three weeks ago, I told her to clean up her mess. Then I drove to the airport to pick up Daddy. He was visiting me for the first time. I was excited to show him that I was a responsible young woman, who could keep a place on her own.

I opened the door and led Daddy into my living room. My roommate’s shit-stained thong greeted us from the arm of my red leather sofa. I was proud of Daddy for pretending he hadn’t seen the crusty undies.

I took Daddy to his hotel, and went back home to talk to my roommate.


“Karoline,” I said to her, “if I find your nasty crap on my sofa again, I’ll burn it.”

She glared at me for a second, but soon said, “Sorry, Darlene. It won’t happen again. I promise.”

I believed her; after all, she only subleased a bedroom from me. I was being extra nice by letting her use my living room and kitchen.


Today, Karoline was sleeping on my sofa when I got home from school. I watched her for thirty minutes. Her muddy sneakers were browning my white carpet. There was also a halo of sweat oozing from Karoline onto the leather.

I grabbed her sneakers, walked outside, and sat on the hood of my car. I breathed in and out. I got the gas can I kept in the trunk of my car. I set it next to the sneakers. I stared at the gas and the shoes for a while. “You might be innocent,” I told them.

I picked up the sneakers and headed back to the apartment. I left them by the door and walked into my home. I unscrewed the metal can and doused Karoline from head to toe.

She stirred and coughed when some of the gas went into her nose. Her eyes opened and I saw the near birth of a scream.

I smacked her on the side of the head with the half empty can. She collapsed. I whacked her again just to be sure.

I walked to the kitchen to disconnect the smoke detector. I grabbed the fire extinguisher and a box of matches.

Karoline was kneeling on the sofa when I walked back into the living room. I looked at her and waited. She stared at me wild-eyed, but said nothing. Not a damn thing.

“You are abusive,” I said, and slammed the fire extinguisher against her right temple. Karoline fell on the sofa; her head hanging off the back.  

I lit her up.

The fire spread fast. The flames followed the blood and gas that trickled out of Karoline’s nose, and the carpet started to burn.


I extinguished Karoline, the sofa and the carpet. The sofa could not be saved. “Now I’ll need to move out,” I said to Karoline. 

She still said nothing. The insensitive bitch just lay in a heap of sizzling flesh, not saying a damn word about having ruined my sofa, my carpet, and Daddy’s visit.
the story needed some shoes
that made sense to Darlenes fiery ways…
I borrowed some from here

56 comments:

  1. WHAT. THE. FUCK?
    I LOVE THIS!!!!!

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  2. Love it!! I've been feeling like this quite a lot recently... You just made me smile Darling =)

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  3. Debra She Who Seeks10/21/2011

    The ultimate roommate revenge story!

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  4. Ellen Abbott10/21/2011

    well, shit.  you warned her, right?

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  5. Linda Wildenstein10/21/2011

    Now that's how you get rid of an inconsiderate bitch....ta damn dah. Oma Linda

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  6. zombiegoddess10/21/2011

    Sounds like some of the occasional thoughts I have after cleaning the house and the family comes home....lol.  awesome story.

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  7. jonquil10/21/2011

    some people just aren't appreciative! ;) great story!

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  8. Diandra Linnemann10/21/2011

    Hehe, some days I can totally relate. ^^

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  9. Judy-JudysPhotos@blogspot.com10/21/2011

    LOL .. reminds me of the Madame in LesMiserables... I only ask once or I'll forget to be nice...

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  10. Woah! Where do you come up with some of this stuff?

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  11. MagicLoveCrow10/21/2011

    Fantasticly wicked! Love the story! You have talent girl!

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  12. Neat.

    You've shared this before, haven't you?

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  13. SilverFox2210/21/2011

    LOVE IT!! Definitely snorted quite loudly at the last part "The insensitive bitch just lie there in a heap of sizzling flesh, not saying a damn word about having ruined my couch and my carpet." 

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  14. Glad you enjoyed, handsome one ;-)

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  15. I hope everybody stays nice and tidy around you then.

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  16. Well, gracias señorita ;-)

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  17. I've shared it with you before, but I haven't published it on Pagan Culture--very perceptive. 

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  18. crystal10/21/2011

    Crazy! But i like it ;)

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  19. Well, the bitch had it coming.  You have any idea how hard it is to find an apartment, much less keep it clean?  Now you have to move.  You poor thing, I feel for you.  Can't people die without making a mess?  Geez!

    Liked the story.  Write more.  My brain is hungry for more wickedly dark tales.  : )

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  20. SunshineShelle10/22/2011

    CRAP!!!!!
    GREAT STORY!!!

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  21. I shall continue feeding your lovely brain, my dear Carmen. Something wickedly dark this way come...

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  22. "Crap" is a good reaction lol

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  23. Mina Crump10/23/2011

    OMG! I bow to you, wicked Mistress of Mayhem.What a fabulous twist on how to handle inconsiderate people. ;-)`

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  24. Mistress of  Mayhem, how wonderful! 

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  25. You need some kind of help. but I love it lol

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  26. You made me laugh so loud lol

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  27. It has been so busy around here I haven't had time to catch up on my reading.

    OH MY GOD! Where did THIS come from!? Dark.....wow.....speechless, here. I like it!

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  28. Remember that time you said something about being on a revenge kind of mood (or something like that) and I said I was working on a story you'll probably enjoy a lot. Well, here it is; I knew you'll like good old Tempe lol

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  29. I do remember that.:) You certainly live up to your end of the bargains, dear.:) I had no idea you would be working on something this.....bluntly fabulous!:)

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  30. How did I miss this one? Holy crap it is fantastic and you're right...the bitch had it coming. It should probably disturb me how reasonable this reaction seems... Nah! Light'er up!

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  31. This would make a really great Nike commercial!

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  32. Replies
    1. Darlene has that effect on people, doesn't she?

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  33. At least the poor, innocent, filthy-dirty sneaks didn't have to suffer. :D

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    Replies
    1. We are all very happy the shoes are okay. Innocent footwear shouldn't suffer if one can help it. :-D

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  34. LOL!!! I love it. I wish I could do this to some people. I love your stories. Your awesome.

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    Replies
    1. Darlene is an inspiration, lol!

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  35. Next time, pick up your shit!!

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    Replies
    1. I believe you are right. ;-D

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  36. Holy shit how did I miss this??? Nothing "prurient" here. ;-)

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    Replies
    1. I wrote "Darlene" almost three years ago... maybe you were flying elsewhere around the cyber-skies. Now you're here!

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  37. wow- Darlene is a force to be reckoned with- better obey is all I have to say!

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    Replies
    1. Darlene has some interesting ways...

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  38. Ha ha ha! I know friends who have had room mates like that, I won't tell them this and give them ideas!~

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