She Harms None, but Her Inner Witch Beats All to a Bloody Pulp

I don’t know why you waste our time. Perdita glared in Agnes’s mind.

“He needs lessons.” Agnes said, as if Perdita hadn’t been in her head when Turbio Dirtkock asked if she could help him practice a few songs.

He hates you! Perdita tried to scream, but Agnes kept her lips tightly shut. You could be NOT eating somewhere else.    

“You don’t have to be cruel.” Agnes almost sat on a partially fallen tree, but changed her mind. She was sure her luck and her over plumped form would make the tree collapse.

Cruel?! Perdita rarely screamed. She was eternally psychotic, but the screaming was anxiety produced by the upcoming meeting. Who asks for singing lessons in the woods? Turbio Dirtkock is… is coming!

Agnes had seen Turbio approaching, but Perdita had been probably too livid to mind her eyes.

What’s wrong with his legs?

Agnes was wondering the same thing. Turbio was dragging his feet through the dead leaves, making a trail with each step. “Maybe he got hurt while working.”

“Ha!” Perdita chuckled and Agnes let her; work and Trubio in the same sentence deserved a laugh. 

Turbio stumbled into Agnes and tried to put his arms around her. “Agggnesss,” he said, and gave up on the hug. No one in Bad Ass had arms long enough to embrace Agnes Nitt.

Agnes turned her face, but Turbio’s 200 proof breath had already reached her eyes, and she was tear-blinded. “Get off of me!” Agnes was a big girl, but she wasn’t strong. Turbio coughed a laugh on Agnes’s face, and she wanted to hurl.

“Pretty Agggnesss wants—”

Agnes pushed back from Turbio and let Perdita slap him in the face. She didn’t like to let Perdita use her limbs, but she liked been insulted even less. Agnes wasn’t stupid or pretty and she was okay with that; she didn’t appreciate Turbio laughing at her. She didn’t mind when Perdita scratched a few bits off his neck either.

“You stupid witch!”

Turbio’s hand looked gigantic when it backhanded Agnes. She froze where she landed, and wondered about the salty taste in her mouth.

Let me Agnes. Perdita’s voice sounded calmed in Agne’s mind, but the request had been unnecessary. Agnes was in shock, cowering behind the fallen tree. Perdita looked at the piece of material Turbio held in one hand. She looked down at her exposed breasts, tasted the blood in her mouth, and sneered at the asshole hovering above her. “You should run.”

Turbio threw his sweaty body on top of Perdita, and held a dagger to her throat. “Shhh, witch, you want this.”

“Sure, I do.” Perdita rolled over and slammed all of Agnes’s bulk on Turbio. His body tried to twitch under her. He dropped the dagger. She grabbed it. His eyes widened with shock, and his mouth readied a scream. “But I want this, remember?” Perdita gagged him with Agnes’s beefy right hand. The left one was sticking the dagger over and over into on side of Turbio’s neck. She stabbed, stabbed, stabbed until the hot blood flow made Agnes sick, and she hurled chunks of the prior night’s mutton on Turbio’s chest.  

“Agnes?” Granny Weatherwax wasn’t sure who was holding the knife. No one ever knew with Agnes and Perdita. “Perdita?” Then the girl sobbed. “I see.” The old witch walked toward Agnes and thought about patting her on the back, but chose to kick the knife out of the girl’s reach first. 

Agnes was a nice witch, but Perdita was dark and extreme. That was the reason why Granny didn’t worry too much when she heard two girls say that Agnes was meeting Turbio (The Lusty) Dirtkock in the woods. Agnes harmed none, but Perdita, her inner witch, lived to beat all to a bloody pulp.

Nice Agnes Nitt + Dark Perdita X Dream = a Bad Ass Balanced Witch

Note: Terry Pratchett’s views on fan fiction—according to Discworld FanFiction Archive“If it is done for fun and not for money and not presented as if it’s some canonical work by the original author, then it comes under the heading of ‘What the hell’.” I [Magaly, the Wickedest Witchy Darling of Them All] am archiving this wonderful post, under the ‘What the hell’: Terry Pratchett in my Mind… heading.

 Aine Dark from Dark and Gifted
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  1. We all have a little Perdita in us. The world should thank the Goddess that we keep her under lock and key...

  2. Indeed! Although I think that at times my Agnes is more dangerous than my Perdita. People should be afraid of the sweet-faced Witch who everybody think is just too nice to do anything terribly wicked. We, I mean, them! are the ones who get away with it... muahahahahaha.

  3. Wow, that should have been "they" not them. Oh well, my OCD is going to have to deal with it.

  4. Oh my dear.....this is so rich with life.
    My middle name is Sybil and I have been accused of being like my namesake...but as you say it's the goodie witch that is the one to look out for. Almost like a lead in to my tomorrow's next installment of "When Oz was Young". And from the looks of it, I get to be in lucky #13's listing of Witches in Fiction....yay, party. The Olde Bagg

  5. This is funny, Linda, but I was putting together tomorrow's posts and thought "Hm, lucky 13. How cool." I swear you read my mind. And I think we all have a bit of our name in us. My first name mean daisy and my last warrior (as you might already know). Guess most people would be so worried about what the last name implies that they would forget that daisies are weeds; pretty weeds, but once they set root somewhere, they can rarely be eradicated. Yep, we are invasive and lasting, and if you don't like us, you might suffer with our perennial ways ;-)

  6. Wow, that should have been "they" not them. Oh well, my OCD is going to have to deal with it.

  7. We all have a little Perdita in us. The world should thank the Goddess that we keep her under lock and key...