Bittersweet

This is Attila, my Staffordshire Bull Terrier. The dog that stole my heart. My baby. I think I love Attila more than I love most people. He looked so cute sleeping in my closet. I wish I could walk to my closet right now and find him there smiling at me, looking all ashamed because he knows I've been looking for him for hours. But that won't happen. Not again. Never.

Attila lives in the Midwest with my ex-husband. I had to leave him when I moved back to New York. My ex kind of fought over him for a while, but then he gave in. I just couldn't take him. Attila grew up in the wild country, surrounded by other dogs, goats, chickens, rabbits, peacocks... he loves to run around in the fields. Jumping in stinky ponds is one of his delights, who am I to get him away from so much beauty and stick him in an apartment in NYC? What kind of love would mine be then?

I'm writing this, but I can barely see the screen. Too many tears in between me, the words, my puppy, the bittersweet past... by the Gods I miss my baby. I can't help, but smile a wet smile when I remember the faces he used to make, the things he did. Like the time he fell asleep with his nose stuck in one of my favorite slippers. I must share that picture with you. I laughed at that sight until I cried and my stomach hurt. That's my Attila. I wish I could be selfish and just bring him back to my life, but I'd hate myself. It would break my heart to see him confined to NYC's walls. It would probably break his spirit too, and that will end us both.

I miss him. I miss him in a way I can't explain through words. Maybe if you could see my puffy eyes, hear me sob right now, you'd know just how much. But I'm also happy to know that he is in a place where he can run like the wind, even if he is so far away from me. That's love to you my Wicked Darlings. Strange. Unselfish at times. Everlasting. Bitter, but so VERY sweet. I miss him.

And as you can see, thinking of him takes over my mind completely. This post was not supposed to be about Attila. About my love. About my bittersweet memories. It's actually my response after being tagged by Leathra from Confessions of  a Crafty Witch, Sarita from A College Girl's Days, and Willow Silverhorse from A Witch's College Experiences. They tagged me with this picture game that sent me wandering into the past. Thanks girls. I mean it. I'm usually not brave enough to look at Attila's pictures and think of our good times, but following your photo game rules forced  me to look and remember. I was very tempted to cheat, to skip to the next picture, but it was futile; all the pictures were of him. Hundreds of memories.

Now back to the present, I need to tag five other people to continue the game going. Here are my chosen five:
  1. Cheap Wine and Cookies, I just know Colleen is going to have a great picture, and a great story to share.
  2. Serendipity, I can't wait to see the great image Faerwillow is going to delight us with. I'm crossing my fingers for one of her amazing sketches.
  3. The Sauce, I know his picture will look delicious, beyond beautiful, or absolutely outrageous, just like his posts.
  4. Pixie's Musings, I know my witchy Pixie is having some computer issues, so it might be a while before she shares some of her beauty, but I'm hoping for one of her drawing or a cute people of her babies. I like what she does with a pencil.
  5. Naked in the Closet, I'm hoping for something... well, naked and artistic. Yep, I want it all.
Now my dear 5, you need to keep the circle going:
  1. Open your first photo file
  2. Scroll to the 10th photo
  3. Post the photo and tell the story behind it
  4. Tag 4 more people
Can't wait to see your pictures and read your tales. Now I'm going to do something about my face. I have school in a couple of hours and red puffy eyes is not a very good look for me.

4 comments:

  1. Devin O'Branagan11/18/2011

    I am so sorry you had to leave Attila behind. However, your love was unselfish and real. I admire you for your strength.

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  2. Thanks, Devin. Your words mean a lot to me. I guess now you can see why I've read SHOW DOG three times ;-)

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  3. Awww, he is a sweetheart! I love that breed. They are so friendly and funny and like to make their humans laugh. *hugs* I am sorry you had to leave him. 

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  4. He is hilarious indeed, with a smile that brings mirth into the heart of whoever is blessed enough to be at the receiving end. I miss him all the time, but I know he's happy. That needs to be enough for me, even if every once in while my heart doesn't care for that reasoning. 

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